Hush, Hush Commentary; Revenge of the Basketball Coach (B)

PART TWO

Chapter Fifteen

And the book is half-way done. Somehow things seem to be moving slower now…

Nora’s detective skills really shine here, in the form of hunches about Eliot that have almost entirely no basis. Patch helps by delivering more tired innuendo. The psychologist tells Nora to stay away from him some more, and seems to have been doing some stalking.

Wasn’t this book supposed to be about angels?

Chapter Sixteen

Research into Eliot is turning up zip, so the plot shoves Marcie back in to make really poor fat jokes about Vee so it can pretend things are actually happening.

Unfortunately despite this valiant effort I think it’s realised that in order to really make it seem like things are happening… things have to happen. So Patch shows up again! Yay! I just can’t get enough of his never saying anything of any substance! Nora asks him what the hell’s going on again, but again nothing that can be considered an answer is forthcoming, so we’ll have to hold off on that point.

Chapter Seventeen

The cops return to accuse Nora of getting Patch to beat up Marcie, and I think I’m beginning to understand the supernatural curse on this place. It has nothing to do with angels, no—that was a red herring. There is a logic hole somewhere in this town—my guess is the Mexican Restaurant—and its presence prevents the people of the town from thinking in a logical manner. I’m guessing this is why Nora’s father’s killer was never caught too, the cops are as utterly incapable of thinking logically as Nora is.

Or maybe they’re just really terrible at their job.

Anyway, the rest of the chapter is spent with Patch teaching Nora how to play pool, not at knife-point this time so I suppose she’s learned her lesson, until Patch’s Irish boxing coach Rixon shows up and they have a ‘play’ fight, which rips Patch’s shirt off and reveals two strange gashes down his back. And I think we all know what that means…

Patch gets his clothes from the same store as James T. Kirk! He must be magical!

Chapter Eighteen

Nora finds a torch covered in blood whilst rifling through Patch’s glove compartment. In this case her leap that Patch was the one who beat up Marcie isn’t quite as far-fetched as her ridiculous insistence that Eliot murdered suicide-girl, and becomes actually understandable. What’s this? A sincere compliment? Well, not so much that but a sincere not-insult. Let’s see what happens when Nora confronts him…

He tells her it’s paint. She believes him without checking—or was too stupid to tell the difference between paint and blood. Never mind.

Anyway they drive home, but uh-oh! Nora’s mum is there waiting for them! She gives Patch the third degree—well, second degree at best really, bordering on first—and then Patch leaves. What a great chapter!

Chapter Nineteen

In conversation with Vee, Nora realises that Patch’s scars are exactly the same as those of the angel in the picture in the fairground ride. And there I was worried that that plot point wouldn’t have  any payoff!

But the logic hole wreaks its terrible powers again, as Nora immediately considers the possibility (thanks to some stilted dialogue from Vee) that Patch might be an actual angel. Of course! It all makes so much sense now!

Google comes to her aid, with a terribly written article on the Nephilim which she believes since it came from such a trustworthy source.

Chapter Twenty

Eliot shows up at Nora’s house and he’s drunk or possibly being possessed by Patch since he’s acting as douchey as him and Google told us that angels can possess people. He wants a foursome with Nora, Vee, and Jules so he can cheer Jules up (okay, he said he wanted the four of them to ‘go camping’, but I think we all know what that means!), but Nora says no, now convinced that he’s a murderer.

He shoves her against the wall but gets scared off by Nora’s mum. Then Vee calls to tell Nora she should get over that because camping, yay! And the two of them try to prove to the other which is worse, Patch or Eliot, when in reality they’re both complete dickheads.

So Nora goes to the restaurant where the dead girl used to work to annoy the waitress with really un-subtle questions. As Nora is the worst sleuth ever, the waitress almost instantly susses her out, and subsequently answers her questions with more ease than before. It’s almost as if Nora’s needless theatrics are working against her. But then she did have to do that essay on Othello, and she read Hamlet earlier so maybe theatre is supposed to be a theme in this book.

The waitress tells her all sorts of irrelevant crap about how Eliot and Jules used to come in and talk about tests, and how Eliot bought suicide-girl her apartment.

Chapter Twenty-One

Nora goes to meet up with Vee who’s out partying with Eliot and Jules, and apparently in America you can tell a bus driver to stop anywhere and he’ll just come to a halt. Nora is too dumb to make sure she knows where she’s going and ends up bargaining with an old homeless woman for directions.

She also leaves her phone in her coat pocket when she gives it to the old woman, which is perhaps the stupidest thing I’ve heard yet. No, wait, there’s still the basketball coach’s biology lesson. That was the stupidest thing I’ve heard yet.

Luckily the old woman is murdered by ski-mask guy, so Nora gets her phone back and calls Patch to come pick her up. Patch misses out on winning a condo in a game of pool—apparently it’s easy to make a living like that—but since the car he won in pool breaks down maybe it was a near miss.

Chapter Twenty-One

Wait… didn’t I just read chapter twenty-one? Either the logic hole is affecting numbers now, or there’s a slight error in this edition

Anywho, the lines are down because of a snowstorm so Patch and Nora are going to stay in a motel, and I sense huddling together for warmth in the near future! Or maybe not, since Patch apparently finds Nora really sexy when she’s drenched and half-frozen. Must be her vulnerability,

Nora momentarily remembers that her best friend is out with someone she’s sure is a crazy murderer, but is then too distracted by Patch’s sexiness to care.

And then she gets sucked into his scars. Well, I can think of worse ways to go, but I’m glad the book was wrapped up quickly! Now, on to—

Chapter Twenty-Three

Damn.

Nora hasn’t died, she’s just astral projected back in time to Patch’s favourite bar, and immediately wonders why none of the men in the room are looking at her, even though she’s in her underwear, rather than, oh, how she suddenly gained the ability to teleport!?

But the calendar shows it’s now months and months ago, so I’m guessing it’s exposition time! The Therapist shows up to speak with Patch, sucking a lollypop so we know she’s evil. They have a Kriptik Konversayshun, which isn’t all that cryptic and, given the stilted dialogue, is barely a conversation.

So Patch is a fallen angel, banished to earth for some terrible crime, and the therapist is a regular angel, and she gives him a chance to become un-fallen and get his wings back but Patch is too cool for that and they kiss, yada yada…

Oh, apparently the therapist is lying. Patch is actually planning to do something super-dangerous involving the Book of Enoch and she’s there to stop him. Then she says someone is out to kill Nora Grey and Patch must save her, except then she reveals it’s Patch who’s trying to kill Nora! Dun dun dun!

And then Nora’s back in the motel room.

Patch flips his shit and pins her to the bed, and they have a conversation about how much he wants to kill her, and Nora is more upset about their stupid relationship than she is amazed at the fact that ANGELS EXIST!

Then we get this…

“I get that you’re angry—,” said Patch.

“I am ripped apart!” I shouted.

YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PATCH! /Wiseau.

So Patch has been trying to kill her all this time, for… some reason. But for now he decides not to, and lets Nora touch his magic exposition scars again.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Well, now that the plot’s started… over three quarters of the way through the book… we get another flashback moment, as Patch’s scars act as a Pensieve and Nora sees him talking to Rixon in a cemetery about all the thinking he’s doing. My suspension of disbelief is straining—not because of the flashback, but at the idea that Patch thinks.

Anyway, Rixon’s a fallen angel too, and he tells Patch they have to go see some guys, but Patch is too cool for that. He wants to be human, like it says in the Book of Enoch (apparently). Rixon, like me, thinks that’s a daft idea, and also impossible. But Patch says all he has to do is kill some guy called ‘Chauncey’, his Nephil vassal, and he’ll become human.

Back in the real world, Nora proves she still excels at walking into tired innuendo and Patch reveals that he’s made of glass, or has a glass sheet covering his body, I don’t know it was a bad metaphor about him being unable to feel physical sensations. But he can feel emotions, emotions like desire, which makes no sense. In fact most of his tired innuendos make no sense now, if he can’t be physically attracted to Nora, and really, an angel finding someone physically attractive is… well, I guess there’s the Nephilim, so yeah…

When asked why he fell, Patch explains he wants to become human. Why? He was in love with a girl. Bo-ring.

Then Nora reveals that the therapist is still on earth and Patch decides to go through her files to see what she’s planning. And now Nora immediately suspects the therapist of being ski-mask guy, based, as usual, on nothing but vague speculation.

Chapter Twenty-Five

The therapist, Dabria, shows up looking for Patch and so she can reveal, Bond Villain-style, how she was behind the attack on Vee because she wants Nora to stay away from him so he can go back to angel-land. None of this seems particularly angelic…

Come to think of it, what does constitute ‘angelic’ in this book? Say what you will about Meyer, at least she came up with some ideas about how vampires worked. They were stupid ideas, oh boy, were they ever stupid, but so far we’ve learned next to nothing about the fallen angels and Nephilim, and nothing at all about actual angels. And we’re 82% through the book!

But at least Nora’s place in all this is revealed, she’s apparently a descendant of Chauncey (I’m going to have to go back to the front of the book and see if Chauncey was that duke at the beginning, aren’t I? And… yep, he is. Anyway, I’m calling it that either Eliot or Jules is Chauncey) and that’s why Patch is trying to kill her.

Dabria’s plan to avoid this is to kill her first, while ranting like a lunatic. What a well-realised villain! Though I’ll admit she was better at her job than the basketball coach. During this extended Dabria-tries-to-kill-Nora-scene, Dabria yells ‘I’ll burn this house down room by room of that’s what it takes to find you!’

So why don’t you just burn the whole house down at once and be done with it?

Instead, Patch shows up to save her, and thank goodness for that! I’m just so relieved!

Chapter Twenty-Six

Nora remembers that whole super-special-best-friend bond she has with Vee and how she’s off with another psycho so decides to go and rescue her. She does this by going to watch a movie. The same movie they went to see before.

Patch shows up to annoy the movie-goers by making them think Nora’s talking to herself, then tells Nora in a really boring way about how he fell and stuff. And now he’s in love with her, for, you know, reasons. In true Hush, Hush tradition clichéd, nonsensical dialogue ensues. And kissing.

Oh, and Patch ripped Dabria’s wings off, but I guess that’s not really important.

More kissing… and then Eliot rings up to threaten to kill Vee if Nora doesn’t go to the school. Cliffhanger!

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Nora and Patch go off to the school to rescue Vee,

Wow, that was a short chapter. I mean, I guess I could talk about the car trouble they had, but I don’t think I’m that desperate!

Chapter Twenty-Eight

They arrive at the school and Nora goes inside at Eliot’s taunting. She trips over Jules’ dead body and then Eliot is dead too. Bummer for him, I guess, but Nora is attacked by ski-mask guy! Oh noes!

And ski-mask guy is…

Jules! He wasn’t really dead at all, hooray! I mean, oh noes!

He takes her to the coach’s biology room (that will never stop sounding weird) makes a bullshit speech about horses, and reveals the most shocking of revelations… he’s Chauncey! And he got Eliot to murder suicide-girl for money, because Eliot was on a scholarship and that meant he really wanted money!

Anyway, apparently the whole Nephilim thing means Patch takes possession of Jules’ body for two weeks of the year, so you can kind of understand why Jules is a bit pissed off about that. He talks about how easy it was for him to influence her mind (Nora has a mind?) and he’s going to kill her so he can hurt Patch, who’s in love with her and stuff.

Fighting and a chase-scene ensues.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Nora searches for Vee (remember her?) and they decide to split up to get help. Jules finds Nora and explains that he attacked Marcie because he was upset that someone else was tormenting Nora (great motivations!) which we needed to know so Nora could distract Jules in time for Patch to show up.

Patch possesses Nora in order to fight Jules off, and more fighting/chase scenes ensue, and Nora decides to sacrifice herself so Patch will become human and Chauncey will die. To be honest if it had been me I would have tried to team up with Chauncey in order to get rid of Patch since he’s such a fucking douchebag and his torturing Chauncey for centuries just so he could ‘experience human feelings’ is what’s lead to this, but to each their own.

Chapter Thirty

Patch rejects Nora’s sacrifice so she comes back to life. Chauncey dies though, so that loose end is wrapped up, and Patch becomes Nora’s guardian angel. You know, mostly everyone else who hated this book hated it because of Patch’s treatment of Nora, but I have to admit all my sympathy is going to Chauncey here.

I mean, sure, he assaults and murders a whole bunch of people, but centuries of having Patch inhabit my body to do who knows what (and I wouldn’t put anything past Patch) would certainly have driven me off the deep end.

Anywho, Vee rings up to apologise for things that aren’t her fault, and the same cops as before show up. Apparently Dabria is still out there, so, sequel fodder. Yay.

And then it just ends…

Final thoughts?

I doubt there’s much I can say that hasn’t already been said. As others have pointed out this book is horrendously offensive—I haven’t seen such a disgusting excuse for the portrayal of a science class in many, many years.

Curse you, basketball coach-guy! May you rot in hell!

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