Inescapable Commentary: We Just Keep Hitting A Firewall (Part II)

PART TWO

Chapter Twelve (finally)

Well, it’s portrait time. Evie’s going to be Persephone, and with Reed having warned earlier that Evie’s extra-crunchy chocalatey-fudge super-soul might attract people from hell wanting to get themselves un-damned, I see where this is going.

Art-guy has some very YA paranormal romance ideas concerning the myth of Hades and Persephone—indeed, I believe there’s another one of these books out there that centres on precisely that myth. He gets his super-duper photos and Evie goes off for a boring lunch at Reed’s house—fish, with a side of infodump.

Evie decides she wants to get more involved with Reed’s demon-hunting. She moons about how sexy he is. There is talking. They’re in twu wuv 4evah now. Zzzzzzzzzzz…

Chapter Thirteen

Evie is avoiding Russell, because that’s so much more effective than just explaining to him what’s going on. Sure, Russell is an idiot, but he’s also a nice guy—he’d understand!

Pages and pages of avoiding Russell go by (what does she do instead with her time? Nothing). Until she happens upon him daring to make out with another girl! Oh no he didn’t!

To be fair she does acknowledge that she has no right to feel jealous, but she still refuses to explain anything to him so it’s still stupid.

Then a man with a ‘dysfunctional shadow’ shows up. Ooooooooh! Do I detect a hint of plot in this book? We’re not even half-way through! (and by that I mean my Kindle tells me we’re at 49%)

Chapter Fourteen

Umm… I’m not sure what’s going on here. A running subplot has been Evie getting Russell a firewall for his computer (exciting, I know) and they finally got it to him last chapter and now Freddie tells Evie it was easy to install…

But that Russell uninstalled it…

By smashing it with a hammer. Freddie even takes the mutilated firewall out of his bag to show Evie.

Oh. Dear.

Anywho, now it’s time for the hockey game—but first that ho Candace (another Marcie type character and the girl who was making out with Russell) drops by to tell Evie that everyone thinks she’s a psycho for destroying the firewall. Gasp! She’s been framed!

No, wait, they think she’s a psycho for installing the firewall. Because they don’t know what a firewall is.

I could believe that maybe, maybe, Russell was too dumb to have ever heard of a firewall. He did remind me of Trip Catfish Tucker after all, the engineering genius who can’t figure out high school algebra, but everyone in his dorm? Seriously!? I’m beginning to suspect the author may not quite understand what a firewall is. (Or possibly I don’t, but I’m pretty sure it’s her)

Well, I went on about that a lot, let’s move on!

Evie’s team win the match of course, despite jeers from Marcie—uh, I mean Candace. And Reed returns to be sexy.

Chapter Fifteen

Reed tells Evie about his friend Zephyr, who would probably try to kill her if they ever met because of reasons. They exchange luvey-duvey-ness and Reed shows her a super-duper sculpture he made of her and shows her his super-sexy charcoal-coloured wings. Hmm, Charcoal, huh? Maybe Reed is Chauncey’s dad?

Anyway it turns out that shadow-guy is a fallen, and that means that trubble is on the horizon. After a page of discussing frozen macaroni and cheese, it’s decided that Evie will stay at Reed’s house for the night, while Reed goes out to kill shadow-guy.

Evie awakens the next morning to find some other angel came in in the middle of the night and dropped some rose petals on her, which is srs bizness, and involves Russell’s magic necklace. Reed asks why Evie didn’t tell him about the necklace before, which is possibly the dumbest question anyone’s asked so far.

No, the coach from Hush, Hush was so dumb that he wins that even though he’s not in this book.

Anyway, Reed says this means Evie was meant to be with Russell, she can’t be with Reed, blah, blah, Evie whines a lot… it goes on. And on. And on.

Chapter Sixteen

Evie goes all Bella-in-New-Moon and Russell comes crawling back to be joint-caretaker with Freddie. Then Uncle Jim shows up to visit and bears witness to a really dumb conversation between Evie and Reed, which may have  been written by Frank Millar, due to all the overdone emphasis of significant words.

Uh, let’s see, what else happens… Evie gets to keep the Persephone dress… her hearing randomly improves… she goes to a formal dance with some guy called Owen… thousands of new, unimportant characters are introduced… Evie gets worried that Reed is moving on from her with the date he brought when she has absolutely no reason to think the girl is anything but his human beard… Reed and Russell seem to have an important conversation about football.

Then some blond guy who’s also an angel shows up, picks Evie up and starts carrying her off caveman-style. Maybe that’s the secret behind all these terrible books. What the characters thought were supernatural creatures were actually cavemen, all along…

Russell has a Spock ‘THE WOMEN!’ moment and intervenes, followed by Reed. Then blondie decides to start up some good old-fashioned sexual assault, but Evie’s pwecious maidenly virtue is saved by Reed, who punches him off into a car. It’s Not Very Effective. So they fight and they fight and they fight and they fight, and Russell tries to get Evie away, blaming her dumb dress for the situation.

He goes on about how speshul and beautiful she is for a while, then Reed calls up to let them know he killed poor old blondie. Reed and Russell seem to be forming some kind of ‘we must protect Evie’ friendship, which I suppose isn’t the worst way to make friends.

Oh, and Russell has broken up with Candace—a shame, what with her being such an original and well-written character.

Chapter Seventeen

We take a break from… whatever, so Evie can play a dumb prank on the meanie-people dorm. While running away she conveniently gets a new superpower of Night Vision and escapes to the administration building where she meets a ‘soul’ called Will.

Well, Reed calls him a ‘soul’, anyone else would call him a ghost, but this is Premonitions (of which there have been only two so far, and both were kind of forgettable) so it’s ‘soul’. Kissing ensues, followed by ‘we can never be together’ -ing.

And then it’s time for more dumb hijinks—in the form of paintball! (or blood-ball if you’re Nora and can’t tell the difference). Evie and Russell have a wangsty conversation about how she can’t be with him because of Reed, and Evie has an inner monologue that quite resembles my own right about now, with:

“I just want it to end. I just want the pain to stop.”

Then she has a premonition of Russell’s magic necklace covered in blood (or paint). Reed shows up saying they need to talk, but she tells him to get da fuk out. He drags the truth of Russell’s impending bloodiness out of her and decides; fuck Russell, he’s taking Evie to another country for her own protection.

Evie wants to stay and protect Russell, but Reed says that if anything happens to her he’ll kill Russell anyway, so it’s really not Russell’s day; poor, dumb Russell. Wait, did he ever even ask Evie what was up with Reed being able to throw people across huge distances? No? He’s just that dumb then?

Reed also feeds her some bullshit about not telling Russell because it could seal his fate, when it seems to me like that’s what not telling him would do because he wouldn’t even know he was in danger to begin with—unless these premonitions are self-fulfilling prophecies, but Reed doesn’t seem to know that and in any case he’s proved he’s got nothing against leaving Russell to die.

But in the end he agrees to help save him. Probably by telling him to get da fuk out.

Chapter Eighteen

Reed informs Evie that he’s been watching her sleep like a creeper for the past few weeks. What a guy! Surely there is no end to his virtues!

But forget Russell, it’s Evie’s birthday! And Freddie gives her a pretty box, described in such detail that it must be important. Russell gives her a St. Jude pendant—the patron Saint of desperate situations, so we’re told. And as an added marketing incentive they could sell one with this book, as I’m beginning to feel the need for divine intervention right about now.

Evie, Buns and Brownie go to a costume party dressed as angels. Will’s there—it took me a while to remember who he was, but he’s the ghost and a bunch of other ghosts have shown up to marvel at Evie’s speshulness. Also, there are more angels.

The angels speak kriptikally to one another, and one of them shows up to kill Evie. She tells him to do it quickly, so Reed won’t be hurt trying to stop him.

Seriously? Is Evie actually suicidal or something? No? She’s just that dumb then. Huh, maybe she and Russell really do belong together…

But her wings sprout at that point and they’re all fiery red which means she’s even more super-special than before and a Seraphim, the highest order of angel. Yay.

It turns out this bozo is Zephyr, Reed’s friend he mentioned earlier, and he’s so impressed with Evie’s stupidity that he decides not to kill her. Yay.

Evie wangsts about having such weird wings, but Reed tells her they’re really speshul and she now outranks all the other angels. Including archangels. Okay, I’m not exactly an expert in Christian mythology, but even I know that’s a load. Not that the author has to follow real Christian mythology exactly, but why make a change like this? It’s just dumb.

…And that’s probably why, isn’t it?

Anyway, Russell shows up and wants to know what’s going on, but Evie says she can’t tell him because of the reason, and he gets all mad. Sad tiems. Sad tiems that go on. And on. And on.

Chapter Nineteen

We’re 80% through the book, so let’s review what we’ve discovered so far. Plot? More of a random sequence of events. Antagonist? Uh… does Candace count? World-building? Well, it’s better than Hush, Hush, but still kind of amounts to ‘good angels vs. bad angels’. Point? I must have missed it.

Anywho, Reed gives Evie a rock for her birthday (oh my god! A giant rock!) which has a really interesting story behind it… that we don’t get to hear because the scene fades out at that point.

So, time passes, Zephyr is apparently hanging around with Buns and Brownie, Uncle Jim is invited over for Christmas, and “seems to really like Reed, but then, what’s not to like?”

Oh, Evie. I hope that was a rhetorical question!

Russell is mad at Evie again, and—Gasp! He’s got back together with that ho Candace! She and Zephyr go on about how terrible Candace is, and Zephyr tells Evie Russell doesn’t need to forgive her for being what she is, she’s just speshul—which would be fine, except we know that this isn’t about some prejudice Russell has against angels, but that he’s sick of not knowing what the hell is going on!

But Evie wants to make sure he’s alright, and bullies Zephyr into letting her go Russell-stalking with him, but ends up going with Reed instead so they can talk about how much they wuv each other. Russell, by contrast, tells Evie to get da fuk out, because she’s a freak, so apparently he did get that whole angel-prejudice off-page, despite still not knowing what angels are.

Wangst, and chin-grabbing that instantly bruises so Reed has something to caveman rage over, ensues. Then they go to an art gallery and are attacked by demons! Reed fights them off so Evie can escape with Freddie, who randomly showed up to reveal that he too is an angel—an angel of death!

Yes, it was Freddie who put roses on Evie’s bed, and he who destroyed shadow man, and he’s in love with Evie (and apparently Russell too, though that may just be the author’s confused writing) and he was sent by the major big devils because Evie is just that speshul, though not special enough to use the word schizophrenic correctly. Anyway, Freddie’s going to take Evie’s soul, bullshit, bullshit, terrible nonsensical worldbuilding… dum dee dum… infodumping exposition, la.

Ooh, Freddie has dragonfly wings!

So he takes her to where she had the premonition, where he’s keeping Russell, and there’s a cannibal-rapist angel there who seems like jolly good fun, killing his own team-mate for no reason.  Oh, and Russell was only pretending to hate Evie so she’d leave—guess he learned that one from her—and Freddie stabs him in the leg. Russell begs Evie not to give her soul to Freddie, since if Freddie had his soul mate’s soul he’d have to be in love with him, and that would make him gay (yes, this seems to be the biggest problem he has with it).

But then Buns and Brownie come in—and they’re angels too! They fight the cannibal angel, and Evie pulls some sort of mystic healing mumbo jumbo on Russell and finally passes out from boredom.

Chapter Twenty

Well, everything was resolved off-page, just like another book I know of, and Evie wakes up to the dulcet tones of Reed discussing all the mind control he’ll be doing on Evie’s doctor. Reed goes on about how special she is and threatens to hurt Russell for… uh… existing, I guess.

Freddie got away though, so I guess the book isn’t over yet. And there’s more tragedy when it turns out Evie missed finals! How will she retain her scholarship!? Maybe Reed will pay her to murder Russell so she can afford tuition, I mean, they may be soul mates but come on—money!

Oh, and Freddie killed Uncle Jim. Sad tiems, he was such an integral character to the masterpiece that is Inescapable. Hang on, has Evie tried to escape anything so far?

And it looks like Evie turned Russell into an angel when she healed him, whoop-dee-shit, that ‘ll be great for wangsting purposes, I just know it.

Chapter Twenty-One

Reed displays his wonderful qualities really do have no end by smashing his house up and firing his servants. Zephyr acts like an android despite supposedly having been on Earth for thousands of years, and Evie is showered with Christmas presents, no doubt each of which will be described in loving detail…

And then Reed explains that he doesn’t actually give any money to the school because that would ‘offset the balance’ and instead mind controls other people to give their money and say it was from him. What a douche.

But he’s a super-special douche, because apparently he’s the only angel who can use mind control, which has probably been shoved in here as an explanation as to why the bad angels don’t just mind control everyone to kill each other. Except according to Christian theology, that wouldn’t work anyway, and the author already explained away why they wouldn’t do that because of ‘offsetting the balance’, I mean, presumably the Fallen respect the balance (for whatever reason) otherwise there, uh, wouldn’t be one. So yeah…

And that’s the end of the book! Well, it was a long road  but I think we all held up well under the—

Chapter One.

Huh? Oh, Manos—it’s a Mobius Strip!

No, it’s chapter one of book 2 of the series, stuck on the end of the first book to tantalise the reader for the further adventures of angel high. Yeah, everyone’s an angel now or secretly was one all along, except Candace and the creepy art teacher (though I’m guessing his revelation is just around the corner)

Well, Evie is pulling another Bella-in-New-Moon, and though she does have more reason for it, it’s really poorly realised, like “Oh yeah, I was totes traumatised by that whole massacre and stuff. Waaah.”

Here’s the thing. In fiction, it takes more than horrible things happening to a person for the reader’s sympathies to be with them. They have to care about the characters, either before or after if the horrible stuff happens towards the beginning. Inescapable did not make me care about Evie.

Evie then refuses to take Reed’s money because that would make him her sugar daddy, then wangsts about not having any money (seriously, what?), and it appears she stupidly kept the gift Freddie gave her as a reminder of her stupidity (this is what passes as a flaw for this character—not knowing things she couldn’t possibly know). Then a pig’s head on a stick comes out of a mirror and attacks her.

No, not really, it’s actually just some guy covered in flies, but if you were in my Year Eleven English class, you’d have got the joke. It was more entertaining than Inescapable at any rate.

So the book ends with the promise to continue on in the same style. On. And on. And on. And on…

FINAL THOUGHTS

As I haven’t read a review of this before, I guess I’ll have to come up with my own criticisms, but hey—that’s no fun! Then there’s the fact that after reading this book, I don’t seem to be having any thoughts.

I guess the only thing to do is hop into my car, clutch my copy of ‘Inescapable’ to my chest and go out with my foot on the gas pedal, full speed into my neighbour’s garden firewall.

Just kidding—that’s ridiculous.

(I don’t have a car.)

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