Delirium Commentary: Blasphemy Against the Holy Periodic Table (Part II)


Chapter Thirteen

This chapter’s quote is from the same book as the last chapter’s, and it talks about how people started getting the cure. But it says it’s from page 87, while the last quote, which talks about the situation before that, was from page 121. Well, someone didn’t have a very good structure to their book!

Another boring family dinner is interrupted when a raid takes place. Action!…

…does not happen, because the raiders pass them by, but Lena is worried about Hana who’s at a La Resistance party, thinking—for the first time, apparently—that killing a whole bunch of people for listening to forbidden music is wrong, and that La Resistance music is sooooo much better than Delirium-land music!

Lena buggers off to warn the morons who risk death just to listen to some dumb music (note this, authors, it’s very difficult to connect someone to audio media via text), hearing voices from a dead dog on the way. Now we really know that Delirium-land is evil—they kill dogs!

She goes to a deserted part of town where the gathering is (apparently the evil overlords don’t realise that large abandoned areas are a good place for rebels to congregate) but is too late to warn them as the Gestapo let the dogs out.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Chapter Fourteen

Now action actually does commence, so let’s enjoy it while it lasts. Lena is almost eaten by a dog, but gets saved by Alex—but wait, that means Alex kills dogs too! Gasp, he must be evil!

But who cares about that when we have more important things—like Alex taking his shirt off!—to describe. They’re in for another boring conversation so Alex can give his backstory, which is too boring for me to recount, and the prose gets more purple. Kissing ensues.

And now Lena doesn’t care that her being in love will get her killed, which is great because frankly neither do I!

Chapter Fifteen.

We’re over the hill now, whoop-dee-shit, so let’s see if we can keep it together.

Lena calls up Hana to no avail, so we can only hope she was eaten by a grue.  She’s now really happy about having contracted love, when up until the middle of last chapter it was the werst thing evah! Insta-conversion? Well, I did uncover this book’s secret fundamentalist agenda, and insta-conversion is a staple of such agendas.

Anyway, Alex drops by Lena’s shop, and did I mention she was in love with him? Because she is. In love. In loving love. When loving lovers love, their love is such a soft and precious love—it’s love…

Oh, and Hana shows up at the store, so I guess she survived. Lena tells Hana everything that happened in a nice big exposition—

Ouch. Oh well, Patch the camel didn’t really need that spine.

Chapter Sixteen

What can only be described as a falling in love montage ensues, Louis Armstrong singing over the happy couple as more exposition clogs up the story, and we end on a dumb analogy of their love being ‘hopeless as a butterfly’.

Are butterflies particularly hopeless? I have to admit, I’ve never taken the time to ask one.

Chapter Seventeen

Now that Lena’s in loving love, Alex invites her out into Sherwood Forest, and Lena scoffs to think her old self would have been afraid to do such a thing—just because the penalty is, you know, death. What a loser she was! (Well, she was, but not because of that).

Vague mention is made of Alison, a girl who seems like she should have been this book’s Marcie-from-Hush, Hush, but unfortunately it’s only a mention.

To get out they have to cross the deadly impassable fence, but luckily Delirium-land is so crap they can’t afford a deadly impassable fence, and just tell everyone it’s deadly and impassable and rely on their people being too dumb to find out the truth. Then again, this clearly has worked so far, so maybe Delirium-land isn’t so crap.

No, it is, it’s just that its people are also really that dumb.

Chapter Eighteen

Lena wangsts over the whole apocalypse thing that happened before her birth as she skips hand in hand with Alex through the ruined cities of the old world, but these were people who lost to the morons who ran Delirium-land, so I have no sympathy for them.

Anyway, Alex takes her to his trailer-park and invites her in for a cup of poetry, including stuff written by that guy—you know the one—who wrote Romeo and Juliet, the cautionary tale. But Alex reveals that Romeo and Juliet was not a cautionary tale, but a great love story!

No. No, it wasn’t.

Anyway, poetry is banned in Delirium-land, another thing that makes no sense because if the cure actually worked then why would reading poetry matter? Or do the overlords just tell everyone they’re cured of love the way they told everyone there was a scary fence of death, and everyone’s too stupid to figure it out?

Lena practically has an orgasm listening to ‘Shall I compare thee…’ and more poetry ensues. Then she goes home.

So… is anything else going to happen? Oh, wait, we’re only 68% through the book, and Hush, Hush’s plot didn’t begin until about 80%. We’re still good.

Chapter Nineteen

The quote for this chapter is ‘live free or die’, and we’re told this is a ‘dangerous idea’ in Delirium-land… even though another chapter’s quote was about how the cure was freedom, and we know that if you’re not cured, you die.

So I guess the motto of Delirium-land is ‘die or die’?

Anyway, Lena’s aunt has invited Lena’s fiancé over for tea, and Lena whines, but the fiancé shows up anyway, and he’s not hot! And he’s allergic to stuff! Eww!

But it gets worse, because he was captain of the fencing team in high school!

(I’m not sure why exactly that’s bad, but if Lena thinks it, then I’m totally with her!)

Oh, and Alex sees them together, which is apparently important or something.

Chapter Twenty

Lena goes off in search of Alex, wangsting poetically the whole way. She leaves him a note, begging him to let her explain, when you’d think Alex would have known about the whole arranged marriage thing, even if they didn’t really talk about it. I mean, it’s not like Lena’s a special case here.

But Alex doesn’t show, and he’s cleared all his stuff out of their love nest, so I can only batten down the hatches and hope my new coat keeps out the brunt of the epic wangst-storm to come—oh no, wait, he is there after all. Yippee.

Alex says he can take Lena off into Sherwood Forest, but Lena gives another exposition dump about how wonderful and speshul her mother was, and how she killed herself because of love, and got all obsessed over a Chekhov’s pin, that’s so speshul Alex recognises it immediately because—gasp!

Lena’s mother is alive! (or someone who has her pin is) Now we’ll get to see how speshul she is in person, I just can’t wait!

Chapter Twenty-One

Because Patch the camel wasn’t quite dead yet, it’s time for another exposition dump regarding the ‘Crypts’, Delirium-land’s prison camp type things. Alex sneaks her in by telling the guards she got the favourite-colour question wrong in her Evaluation. First he takes her to see his father’s grave; as apparently even though the ‘Crypts’ are overcrowded hell-holes, they do have room for graveyards.

And this might be the first time we’ve heard Alex’s last name. It’s ‘Sheathes’. And what’s ‘sheath’ in Latin? Vagina. Coincidence? I think not.

Anyway, Alex’s dad got sentenced to life in the ‘Crypts’ for fightin’ da man, yo, sad times. But they hug, and since love is God and God is love, it feels like God and stuff. And they continue to walk through the building…

(Have no fear, Patch is a Nephilim camel son of a regular camel and an angel who got thrown out of heaven for being a furry, so he can’t really die unless one of his female descendants sacrifices her life for a fallen angel.)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Alex takes Lena to Ward Six, the super-restricted part of the complex, but is caught out when the sympathetic guard he was expecting has been replaced. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os! The tension bildz!

…for about ten seconds, then they just talk with the guard and he lets slip that there was an escape! The rebels must have somehow broken through Delirium-land’s top notch security of telling people that if they try to breach security they’ll totes die for realz!

He lets them into the cells and its really horrible and awful, and we see Lena’s mother’s cell where she’s written ‘love’ all over the walls like the loony she is. But she was one of the escapees so good times—

Wait, where did she get a pen?

Chapter Twenty-Three

Now Lena hates her family for lying to her about her mother, even though there’s no reason to assume they knew she was alive, except Lena knows they did because… well, she just knows, okay? So, whine, whine, whine; love, love, love, rinse—repeat, good times, planning escape, this might be a good bit, but I care so little about the characters that I can’t tell.

Lena goes on about how sorry she feels for her Aunt for not realising that the Meaning of Life is to find what’s important to you and fight for it and never let go, and it’s just so beautiful I can’t help but sing…

Near… Far… Wherever you are, I believe that my heart will go on…

…And then fall apart laughing.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Well, after that pointless chapter the book remembers that Hana exists and they have a running montage. Lena invites Hana to escape with them, but even though she was all sympathetic to La Resistance, she doesn’t want to give up partying. Well done, Hana, party-cop would approve.

Chapter Twenty-Five

So, no story yet, huh? We’ve only got 10% of the book left and…

There’s not going to be a story, is there?

Well, there is some action though, as Alex and Lena are found out and the Gestapo let the dogs out. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Lena’s caught but Alex escapes, and really, being caught by the Gestapo of Delirium-land is just pathetic. Rachel pops by for a boring conversation and then, oh noes, Lena is going off to be cured!

Ha ha, no, I can’t even pretend to be upset that it’s come to this. Huzzah!

Chapter Twenty-Six

Okay, we’re nearly there, let’s see if Lena managed to get cured of her idiocy or if Deus ex Machina pops up in the form of Generic Love Interest or La Resistance.

Hana drops by to try and have  Kripitik Konversayshun, and so Lena prove what a miserable twat she is by not caring how much trouble she’s caused for her family, even though we know that they’ll probably be fired and ostracised because of her. Lena hints to Hana using SUBTLETY!!!, that she wants her to pass a message on to Alex.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

The quote for this chapter is ‘He who leaps for the sky may fall, it’s true. But he may also fly.’

No. No he won’t. Gravity is a harsh mistress.

(Unless he’s Clark Kent)

Lena goes on and on about how she’d rather die than live without Generic McVagina, and there’s only 5% more of the story to go. Come on, Patch, we can make it!—

“I think of Alex’s molten honey eyes…”

Molten. Honey.

… I got nothing.

Anyway, it’s dumb Gracie to the rescue! She chews through Lena’s bonds, and they leave the house—more of Delirium-land’s great security in action I see, and Lena escapes on the back of Alex’s motorcycle.

A chase scene ensues, but sadly Delirium-Land actually decided to turn their fence o’ doom on today, Alex gets shot to death, Lena escapes and closes out on the purplest of purple prose in memory of dear beloved what’s-his-face.

Except there are two sequels, so either he lived or Lena will get a new boring love interest in the next book. Whoopee.


I wasn’t sure what to write up for this book, so I said a prayer to the periodic table as we atheists do, sitting on a deadly electrified fence, throwing copies of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ at innocent dogs.

Yes, Delirium-land was dumb, but we know who we really have to blame for this, don’t we? That’s right—Hush, Hush! No wonder the overlords tried to cure love after reading that book!

And so, as I ride Patch the Camel off towards the grey sunset on my way to be cured of ‘Delirium’, only one question remains…

What is my favourite colour?


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