A Post About NaNothing

Ladies and Gentlemen, Loyal Fans and Archnemesises (Archnemesi?) today I have nothing to say, so I thought I’d start writing anyway and hope for the best.

Let’s see. I ate Singapore Noodles for dinner, watched some anime, did some work, and my dear mater got a new cutting board in the post, which she will use to prepare her victims for the unsuspecting customers of our family pie shop. Or possibly for her sewing, seeing as we don’t have a pie shop. Yet.

But what I’ve been hearing about mostly in the past few days is the run up to month commonly known as November, and with it…



Yeah, I’m not doing it.


Shut up! It’s not my fault I’m a lazy bum!

Apparently NaNo is good practice for writing when you start writing as an actual professional writer, and you have to crank out book after book to pay the bills. But you see, this doesn’t apply to me, because I plan on being so outstandingly amazing that my books will sell millions, and then I won’t have to write as often to pay the bills.

Also, I’ll be getting my mum to pay the bills for as long as possible. And to do my laundry—it’s what she’s there for!

Rachelloon’s Mother: “Please, daughter! Please let me out of the basement! If I could only see the light of day one last time…”

Get back to work, mother! You’ll earn your bread and gruel until I say otherwise!

Ah, I kid, I kid, we live in a block of flats, so I don’t actually have a basement. Anyway, back to NaNo. It’s not that I don’t have yet another idea for a novel, or the time on my hands to write it, or that I don’t want to put all my other projects on hold for a whole month (not like those fuckers are going anywhere…) no, it’s mostly the whole laziness thing, and the subsequent certainty of complete and utter failure that’s lurking in the back of my mind…

Also, what novel is 50,000 words? ‘Rooks’ is 120,000—and even that was tough. I know they say it’s only supposed to be a first draft, but I don’t work in drafts, and you know that means I double definitely won’t finish!

Furthermore, this ‘find a region’ page on the tab I have open right next to this one immediately sent me to a group in Berkshire. I don’t live in Berkshire! There’s already a group in the city I do live in, so why the bloody hell do they want me to go to Berkshire! Is it so I can make puns about going berking mad? Is that it!? It is, isn’t it! I knew it!

All right! You’ve forced me into it! I will do NaNo, and I will fail miserably and get my mum to sew a patch of shame into my clothes, a patch that says ‘HERE BE ONE WHO FAILED NaNo! MWAHAHAHA!’

… as soon as she’s finished her gruel.

(How’s that for a weird post? I started with nothing in particular in mind and ended up committing myself to write 50,000 words next month. And I don’t even drink!)


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