Damen shows up at Ever’s house so Riley can be creepy and spy on their boring conversation. Ever whines about what a Gary-Stu Damen is, but Damen says that’s not true, he does have a flaw—he sucks at love. Bleeeuugh.
“One more sign of how perfect Damen is—he keeps a pair of trunks in his car.”
Ah yes, the height of perfection right there.
Irrelevant swimming ensues.
Ever’s usual wangsting over her powers is interrupted by Haven and Miles having a fight. Haven whines about how Drina is the only one who understands her, and Miles observes that her tattoo looks infected. Haven observes in turn that Damen doesn’t come to school anymore, and I’m wondering how much time is supposed to have passed in this book?
Damen then takes Ever on a date to the local bookies’. Remember, kids—gambling is good for you! But Ever’s satisfied because being a gambling addict explains why Damen’s never at school.
Sabine tells Ever she’s been invited away for the weekend, and Ever debates on whether or not to tell Sabine that the man who invited her is not who he says he is… he still lives with his mother! What a loser!
(It’s funny, because I still live with my mum too!)
Then Damen and Ever have another boring date and Damen ditches her when she falls asleep.
Riley’s wondering about whether she should stick around or not (No. No you shouldn’t, Riley.) when Haven shows up to tell Ever that Evangeline is dead. Oh noes, not Evangeline! She was my favourite character! (Just kidding, Stacia)
But Damen arrives too, to say he didn’t really ditch Ever and to worry over Haven’s tattoo. Yay!
But he didn’t count on Ever actually asking him what was going on, and the slightest hesitancy on his part makes Ever flip out and ask if he’s breaking up with her. When he says no, she asks him what’s going on for realz, and he’s forced to respond with… a plausible explanation!
Ah, the familiar feel of a half-way mark, free of anything actually having happened.
Well, Evangeline died, Riley started talking to the ‘fake’ psychic, Haven got a tattoo and made a friend with a girl who was Definitely Not a Villain, and Damen was mysterious, but since that was all boring I’m not sure if it counts.
Anyway Ever and Damen have another boring date, then Damen leaves to do, you know, stuff. Haven has gone missing, but Ever doesn’t really seem to care, and Riley has been spying on Damen, revealing to Ever that he lives in a big house… with no furniture! He must be a vampire!
This is so amazing that Ever drives straight to Damen’s house to spy on him. Yay for equal opportunity stalking!
Ever breaks into and sneaks around Damen’s house, and finds a bunch of paintings of Damen from different centuries wearing different clothes. He seems to have been painted by every artist the author’s ever heard of, because I guess he used his vampire powers to know that in the future they’d become famous.
He also has signed copies of all the 19th century romances, and for some strange reason Shakespeare. Could you actually buy Shakespeare’s plays back when he was still alive? Really? No. No you couldn’t. My mum also informs me it’s highly unlikely he got a signed copy of Wuthering Heights, seeing as no one knew who wrote it until poor old Em kicked the bucket. Ever drops it on the floor of course, wouldn’t want to be careful with a signed copy of Shakespeare’s works, now; would you?
Many of us might have assumed these were counterfeit, or family heirlooms—and Ever does consider the possibility, but all those years training to value and authenticate rare books and paintings must have paid off, because she knows they’re real. Well, I’m assuming she had all those years of training anyway, otherwise this would be, you know, stupid.
Oh, wait, no—her psychic powers authenticate them. Of course.
Then Damen shows up, carrying a bloodstained Haven, and knocks Ever out before she can call the police. Awww, isn’t that sweet?
Instead of explaining the whole vampire thing to Ever, Damen mindwipes her and dumps her back home. Mindwiping the POV character in a first-person present tense book? Perhaps not such a good idea…
Apparently Haven was cured of whatever off page, as Miles informs us after she sends him a text. Damen spends the rest of the day stalking her like a creeper.
Haven and Ever reunite so Ever can faint and get taken home by Damen. His home, I mean, which is suddenly all furnished and decorated—I guess the delivery guys were just late. Ever then reminds the audience all the weird things about Damen, and begins to wonder if maybe not having an aura means he might be some kind of supernatural creature?
But instead of asking him she just wants to go home. Me too, Ever, me too.
Ever is now mad at Damen for… uh, a reason, and doesn’t park next to him in the school parking lot! Damen responds by murdering the entire class!
Woo! Things are finally starting to get… wait, no! Staaaaaaaaciaaaaaaaa!
Oh, never mind—he just knocked them unconscious with mind powers. False alarm.
But still, it’s enough for Ever to say ‘omigod’. I’m not kidding, that’s how it’s spelt in the text.
Well, it’s time for the big reveal, and Damen can read Ever’s mind so Ever goes all Run Away! But it’s Not Very Effective because Damen has superspeed. It does result in her memories of two chapters ago coming back, glad we resolved that plot point so quickly.
Ever accuses him of trying to kill her, based on… uh, a reason, and tells him to get da fuk out. Damen reveals he’s not really a vampire, but an immortal. Which is different to a vampire because vampires aren’t real. Then he reveals he was the one who turned Ever into a psychic and saved her life when her family died, because she’s his destined soul mate or something. Ever takes it pretty well.
And she tells him to get da fuk out again (she’s giving Reed from Inescapable a run for his money here!) because her life is sooo terrible with her having all these cool psychic powers and stuff.
Believe it or not, Ever regrets dumping the vampire—uh, immortal, but who cares, there’s more boring stuff like going to a random festival to do.
Ava the psychic shows up to help Ever barter for a bag, but Ever thinks she’s stolen Riley (huh?) and tells her to get da fuk out. Then after more bore-wangst, Drina shows up to remind everyone she’s supposed to be the villain in this book and to act like Haven’s sugar-daddy.
Apparently Ever can’t get her psychic powers up when she’s drunk (I’m sure it happens to a lot of YA paranormal romance heroines) so she begins drinking. Unfortunately, Stacia catches her and gets her back for the earlier blackmail threat with her own photographic evidence. I don’t know if Stacia was just carrying her camera around everywhere, waiting for Ever to do something untoward so she could take photos, but hey—I like a girl who’s prepared.
This leads to… the two of them getting drunk in a bathroom together! Well, I admit I didn’t see that one coming.
And Ever gets suspended because Stacia took the picture to the principal anyway! Good times.
Okay, we’re coming up to the three-quarter mark. Let’s get serious. Or not.
Ahem, Miles invites Ever to a goth party on the winter solstice. And Drina’s there! Dun dun dun!
Drina gives a villain monologue about all sorts of bullshit and she’s going to kill Ever because apparently that’s what she does every time Ever is reincarnated, because she’s in love with Damen, or something.
Then she kicks Ever in the head, so she can monologue even more about how she was the one who lured Ever out and tried to kill Haven and Damen saved her life and she stole some picture of Ever in a plot point so minor I didn’t even mention it, and she killed Evangeline, and got a Miles a part in a musical, and made Sabine fall in love with Jeff, and it was she who took the last cookie from the cookie jar, in the conservatory, with the revolver.
And she did this all to make Ever feel isolated. Then she goes back to killing her, but Ever is an immortal too now, and fights back; I sense a grand battle will be—
Because suddenly Ever is with Damen, in a random other dimension called Summerland, where they sacrifice virgin police officers who scream ‘NOT THE BEES’ in giant wickermen. Oh wait, no, that was Summerisle.
Making mind-butterflies ensues. And also mind-Orlando Bloom.
Can we say ‘Big-Lipped Alligator Moment’?
Anyway, then it’s time for Ever to whine about Damen saving her life and turning her into an immortal, and then for almost letting her get killed by Drina. Make up your mind! Then Damen explains how Summerland exists…
“It’s simple quantum physics. Consciousness brings matter into being where there was once merely energy. Not nearly as difficult as most people choose to think.”
Aha. Ahaha. Ahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Of course! Don’t you know anything about science?
Well, this book just became worth it for that line alone. And Stacia.
But now it’s time for backstory, and Damen’s dad was a mad medieval scientist, who was searching for the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything, and when he died Damen used his Gary-Stu powers to continue the search. Apparently the answer was red Powerade (or some kind of magic booze), and he gave it to himself and Drina so they could become immortals together.
This results in boring infodumping, yay! And then Damen has to bugger off.
Miles calls up to be extremely unfunny, and Sabine shows up all depressed because she found out her boyfriend lives with his mother, the horror, yawn. Then Riley appears—oh, joy—to tell Ever to go see Ava again. Ever still doesn’t want to, even though Damen also told her to see Ava.
Ever goes to see Ava.
Ava tells her that Riley decided to come back to earth to be with Ever, because they apparently had such a close relationship before, and Ever has to give her a blessing so she can pass to the other side.
Instead, Ever learns how to turn off her Psychic power switch. Good, maybe she’ll whine less now.
Ha ha, who am I kidding!?
Haven is apparently no longer a goth now, for… reasons. Time moves on, montage style, boring, boring, boring… And, then Damen sends Ever a greetings card. And tulips.
10% more to go. We’re almost there.
Ever decides it’s time for Riley to move on to the other side now, a complete 180 from what she felt a few pages ago—consistency! They argue, those parents of theirs are mentioned briefly, and then Riley leaves. Yay!
With Riley gone, Ever finally realises that the tulips are supposed to mean something, and goes to the interwebz to look it up. Well, turns out a red tulip is ‘undying love’, (that’s not what it says in my book on flowers, but I’m sure google knows best), and that the white rosebuds he kept giving Stacia meant ‘I’m just doing this to fuck with Ever’.
Yep, his flirting with Stacia was just a test, a test worthy of Walter from the Clerk’s Tale’s brilliant ‘I’m going to make my wife think I murdered our children to see if she still loves me’ test. This means Ever and Damen belong together!
Suddenly Drina appears to villain monologue and mock Ever, telling her Damen’s a big ho who’s been around the block five hundred times and wouldn’t be interested in her. Drina also reveals it was she who murdered Ever’s family, and Laura Palmer, and she didn’t kill Ever’s father—she is her father! (okay, not those last two), and she smacks Ever over the head.
This time a fight actually does ensue—well, half fight, half monologue, and Drina uses psy-beam, which almost depletes Ever’s HP, but Ever uses the Power of Love, and it’s Super Effective—
Nah, I’m just kidding; Damen shows up and saves her. Or, he just shows up and Ever killed Drina with bullshit love power, it’s not very clear. Apparently chakras were involved. Ever tries to get Damen to quit bullshitting, but he says “Never!” and they end the book with a boring conversation. Ah, boring conversations, the bread and butter of the YA paranormal romance. A fitting conclusion.
Blue Moon Excerpt:
Sigh. Like with Inescapable we have a chapter from the next book to entice us. It’s pretty boring.
Interview With Author:
“Damen is an amazing character…”
An amazing character?
An amazing character?!
Also the author says her favourite character to write was Riley, which explains a lot.
Well, since I’ve chosen to go along with what this book has taught me, and believe that thought can transform energy into matter, I’d better be pretty careful how I go about this. Let’s see, uh…
Oops! I just turned my boss’s house into a potato. I knew I shouldn’t have drunk that fifth of vodka in the school bathroom with Dawn.
Wait, what was I doing at a school?
To sum up: insert a Drina-style villain monologue here and let it be known that the cast of Evermore are preps and posers, one and all!