Happy Valentine’s Day, wankers! To show you all how much I love you, I’m giving you a special treat: an exclusive look into the dark and dubious origins of my diseased mind. Yes, as I promised, this is the first story I ever wrote, aged somewhere between nine and eleven. Footnoting has been added and some of the grammar corrected, but otherwise it is exactly as it appeared in its original form.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… Teletubbies.
(I know, it’s exactly what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?)
[All material relating to ‘Teletubbies’ are the property of the BBC or something]
The teletubbies rule the world. They will turn anyone who gets in their way into mindless idiots. They beat the Peachy-Pineapple news. They sent Baboo flying into the sun. They killed Fdfgdehcxz\fsgdwetffggtgtt and he died.
Finally, Melady Clam sang her song…”Look at me– I’m a freak and that’s reality!!”
The teletubbies sang their song… “Teletubbiesss…. teletubbiessss, say hello: eh-oh!” They ate Melady Clam with fried Noo-noo. The only thing to do was …….
NOTHING! so the world was doomed.
Until Mrs Gloop was finally sacked for devouring her pupils. She had an army of drunken zombies. They were turned into tubby toast! She had an army of brainless gits. They were turned into tubby custard! She had an army of dead people–and they died!
But she didnt need them. She sent the teletubbies to the moon with her AUTOMATIC send-people-to-the-moon-thing.The teletubbies suffocated and died.
sfgjhfgjdgfbemjgfmshoeiurljhgkwhdijkdvbgjhgckisdufygoifdhfgiyhglkdfhgoediufglkrjlgjgkhgjrljrlhjlkfjhlkdf  died, because he was killed. He was 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 years old .
1. The Peachy-Pineapple News was originally thought up by a friend of a friend (possibly taken by someone else before that, I have never been quite certain), its exact origins are unclear. The main idea behind it was that of a crazy news program run by a cast of homicidal characters, many of whom I added myself, often stolen from other books/TV shows.
2. The character of ‘Baboo’ was taken from a 1-page story I saw taped to another friend’s door, written by his friend, whom I believe I never met, in turn.
3. It was customary in those days for me to create throw-away character names by hitting random keys for a few seconds (well, at least I never named a character ‘Grignr’). These characters were usually killed off in the same sentence that they were introduced.
4. An associate of the Peachy-Pineapple News crew.
5. Sung to the tune of that one Geri Halliwell song that was popular when I wrote this.
6. The character of Mrs Gloop was created solely by myself during a grammar lesson, I believe regarding semi-colons, in an exercise which involved writing sentences containing specifically required elements–and even in those days I’d do anything to make boring exercises more exciting. The idea behind her was that of a cannibalistic schoolteacher who somehow always got away with her crimes, possibly inspired by a Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode. It occurs to my now that being a ‘Mrs’, this character must actually have been married; likely to a powerful figure, given her ability to avoid significant retribution for her crimes.
7. Apparently Mrs Gloop had enough zombies to comprise two armies. One imagines that the first one was smaller, given that it seems to have been a requirement that its members suffered from alcoholism as well as from being dead. Alternatively, the first ‘zombie’ army may have been meant figuratively.
8. [See ‘3’ above]
9. The introduction of an unrelated character followed quickly by his death and the age he was at the time of his death was typical for my writings at this time, which reminds me…
General JGLIGJHGJHJKGLIGT died reading this post when his brain exploded from the stupidity. He was 57 years old, and only two days away from retirement. RIP.