(THE WICKED WOODS COMMENTARY, PART TWO)
Well, the homecoming dance is approaching, and Pepper drops by to tell Briony that no one will ever want to go with her because she’s a freak. For some reason.
That’s my girl!
Then Fallon shows up and Briony cries in his arms. Aww. What a loser.
Fallon reveals his brother went missing around the same time as Briony’s family, and he’s really in town to look for him, so Briony’s not alone anymore. Then Fallon says he doubts Briony could ever be alone, and Briony thinks he’s comparing her to Pepper and is horribly offended, because that’s the most reasonable reaction there is.
But Fallon asks her to the dance, and after a few pages she finally grasps the concept of being asked to a dance enough to say yes (though for some reason she starts thinking about Kevin). Yay.
‘Fallon was one of the best kissers Briony have had’.
(Actually, this entire page makes no grammatical sense. Maybe it was stuck to the one before it when the proof-reader went through it?)
Well, never mind. Time for a choosing a dress for the dance scene! The most exciting scene there is.
But when Fallon shows up to collect her for the dance it turns out he’s a vampire. What a bummer. (apparently Aunt Sophie can tell these things by sight, but even though Fallon knew Briony knew about the supernatural, he came over to her house to collect her. What a dumbass.)
Briony briefly considers killing him, what with him being a soulless blood-drinking monster of the ilk that killed her family, but then she just says it explains why he was hanging out with her rather than the popular girls.
Aunt Sophie says trusting vampires is a bad idea, but then she’s just like ‘whatever’, and listens to Fallon say that Briony’s dad asked him to watch over Briony the night he and Fallon’s brother disappeared. Oooooh! Briony gets upset, believing Fallon’s interest in her to be purely the whim of her father (she doesn’t seem to care that he was there the night they all disappeared and so might actually know what happened to her family), but he says he totes loves her for realz, and so they go to the dance together.
This is just hilarious.
Fallon shows his love by buying Briony a crucifix so she’ll be safe from him wanting to eat her. Yep, sing it with me now;
“I want to chomp into your throat… and watch you bleed out on the floor… then I’ll bathe myself in your life essence as you die, tear your heart out of your chest and crack the bones and suck the marrow out—slice into your brain for sandwiches and maybe have an omelette made of…”
Anyway they go to the dance, where Tracey is wearing a ‘glittery thing that only she could ever pull off’. I know, right? Isn’t that just so Tracey? (well, let’s assume it is for now.) Pepper is Homecoming Queen and wearing an ‘ensemble that tried just a little bit too hard’. How so? Never explained.
They spend a few pages dancing and then Fallon abruptly loses control of himself and tries to suck her blood, then gets all sad about losing control. It’s really heart-wrenching. Well, I think I wrenched a rib laughing anyway.
Fallon flounces off, so Briony goes back to thinking about Jacob. Uh, I mean Kevin!
He tells her that he is indeed a hunter, he’s just not part of the society because he’s a rebel. My heart = throbbing. Then Briony gets pissy at him and he leaves without saying goodbye. Sad tiems.
Briony gets a ‘heartfelt’ breakup letter from Fallon and cries for the loss of their three-week or so relationship. Aunt Sophie comforts her.
Kevin comes back to the diner to remind everyone that he exists and Maisy and Steve tell Briony to find a new boyfriend. The next day, Kevin’s there again, and they have a boring conversation about swans. Then there’s some kissing.
Aunt Sophie rings up to say that something’s happened, and in this book that’s almost a plot twist. But prepare your handkerchiefs guys… Tracey’s been killed by a vampire!
*Sob, sob* I know, she was my favourite character! *Sob*.
The society goes out to fight the vampires, and George and Briony get attacked by…
Granny Goodness! Dun dun dun!
No, not really—it’s Fallon. He pretends to be evil now, and it’s so obvious he’s pretending that Briony’s heartache over it seems as dumb as… well, everything else about her. Also some other evil vampire called Lily is there, and she tries to kill Briony, but Fallon reveals he’s actually not evil and protects her. Yay. They make up. George doesn’t care.
Well, this book is three quarters of the way through, and what have we learned?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is seriously the worst written of any of the YA I’ve read so far, it has more things happening than the others, but they’re given barely any gravitas in the writing. The characters are clichéd and bland, the plot is worthy of a sixteen-year-old’s fanfiction.
And it is glorious!
Anyway, Maisy and Steve pop up for no reason, then a shadowy figure appears to tell Fallon he’s in big trouble with ‘the Master’. Insert Doctor Who joke here. Then he practically throws himself onto Briony’s stake.
Maisy and Steve are like ‘huh, that was kind of weird’, and Steve faints. They get told about the existence of vampires, and immediately start talking about a dumb vampire show they like to watch.
Then nothing happens for the rest of the chapter.
The super-secret monster hunting club makes Tracey’s death look like an accident so they can continue to deal with the endemic monster problem on their own and not raise awareness with authorities who could organise better equipped responses.
They’re the best!
Of course the medical examiners are also the best, as they declare the claw marks from monsters to be scratches from thorn bushes. Even Briony comments on how dumb that is!
So Briony and Fallon go out on a date, but their boring conversation is interrupted when Kevin shows up to reveal that he’s Fallon’s missing brother! Dun dun dun!
And also he’s a werewolf.
Neither of the brothers are very happy about this, and neither is pleased to see that the other is alive. Fallon reveals this is because vampires and werewolves have hated each other for ever, or at least since ‘Underworld’ came out.
A fight scene ensues, and Briony pleads with them to not kill each other, but Fallon reveals he now wants to kill his brother even more than he wants to kill her (kinky?) and then a bunch of vampires dressed in really stupid outfits show up and applaud Briony’s stirring speech about how in order for her to trust him, Fallon has to—you know—not kill his brother. Sarcastically. Just like I’m doing.
The Master comes forward, reveals his name is Pietre and takes the opportunity to grandstand like all cartoon villains do, and also put both Fallon and Kevin in a chokehold. Then Briony threatens to kill herself if he doesn’t let the dumb duo go, and for some reason this upsets Pietre and he complies.
And then she blacks out and wakes up at the Pokémon Centre.
Okay, she’s not really at the Pokémon Centre. Believe it or not, I lied.
The terrific trio awaken tied to chairs. Pietre shows up for some more cartoon villain grandstanding, wherein he reveals that he and Aunt Sophie used to date. What a twist. He’s waited until now to kill her family for dumping him (and also for trying to kill him) because he had to wait for the main character of the book to show up, I guess.
Anyway, Pietre says he’s going to kill Kevin if Briony doesn’t do what he says, and she immediately capitulates. Then he reveals he turned her entire family into vampires and—
“Wicked Woods continues in Book 2 of Wicked Woods: Shimmer”
What? I… I… I don’t believe this! We’re only 90% through the book, what the hell else did I download onto my kindle!?
Let’s see… advertisements for other books written by this author… author going on about how much she cares about her readers… how to contact the author… more advertisements… more advertisements… shit, this is one prolific author!… and then nothing.
It’s the end.
Wow. Just wow.
Well, it wasn’t exactly the ‘Mr Worf, fire!’ cliffhanger of ‘Best of Both Worlds’ but…
No, I got nothing. (Haha, like the book!)
Or wait—we could do a Birdemic reference, that’s always good for a laugh!
“Man, that was a good movie—uh, book: The Wicked Woods.”
Dawn: “That’s it. I’m getting myself a vampire werewolf love triangle that’s environmentally friendly.”
And in conclusion, we have only our burning of fossil fuels (which is causing global warming) to blame for this book. And for being attacked by exploding bird pictures.