(BORN AT MIDNIGHT PART TWO)
Because the monsters can’t tell the difference between other monsters and people who have brain tumours, Derek suggests Kylie go to the healer-fairy, Helen, to see if that’s what’s wrong with her.
But first, Miranda and Della snipe at each other some more. Huh, maybe they’re in love? Kylie tells them to stop it, because if they get separated she might get stuck with Lucas’ girlfriend, who seems to have been introduced a few paragraphs ago and hates her for no reason.
Della tells her that the FBI are going to interrogate her for… some reason, and Kylie thinks that means they’re going to torture her. As you do.
Stalker-ghost shows up for no reason as Holiday leads Kylie away.
Kylie is interviewed by the FBI agents, Burnett and Austin. Holiday tells Burnett to ‘bite my ass’ during the bland interview (Kylie is just shocked at the ‘foul language’) because she’s upset that Burnett thinks being a member of the FBI gives him some kind of authority or something.
The whiny interview progresses to no purpose, and Kylie is sent out to read a text from Sara. Turns out she’s not pregnant, so her reasons to be in the story are dwindling.
Lucas shows up to ‘talk’. As you can imagine, it’s boring.
Then Kylie goes off to find Helen the healer, who may actually be an interesting character, in that she’s the only person so far who isn’t unbearably smug. But surprise, surprise…
Kylie doesn’t have a brain tumour. I’m so shocked. Well, we don’t find out until after another boring conversation between her, Della, Miranda, stalker-ghost, and Derek (not that stalker-ghost really participates or anything) in which Miranda transfigures a sandwich.
Also Lucas’ girlfriend Fredericka pops by to let Kylie know she’ll be the Dawn character in this book, and Kylie almost chokes to death on the sandwich.
Holiday tells Kylie about ‘death angels’, monsters for monsters who are like avenging angel type things. Oh my. I wonder if one will appear before the end of the book?
(Spoilers: For once I’m wrong. This book is much too boring for that)
Exposition is given in droves, as it has been throughout.
Then Kylie spends some time with Helen and Jonathon. Who’s Jonathon? I neither remember nor care. Lucas shows up for a bit, as does Miranda, and nothing of any importance occurs.
Halfway mark, yes! Though again, we need shorter summaries, otherwise this will end up being as long as ToG.
Anyway, Kylie tries to figure out if anyone in her family was born at midnight, because that was mentioned as a thing in a couple of throwaway lines.
Trey the ex-boyfriend shows up. Yay. He tries to cheer her up with sex, but Kylie ain’t no slut, yo! She accidentally calls him Derek in the way no one ever actually does, and then tells him to get da fuk out.
After some more irrelevant encounters, Della asks her all about it, and on being told Trey left her for not having sex with him, offers to commit GBH, because that’s an appropriate reaction!
After confirming that most important of plot points that Kylie is a virgin, (whoop-dee-shit) they discuss Fredericka and how her parents are supposedly ‘rogues’. I wonder if that will figure into the plot, whenever it decides to start?
Spoiler: it doesn’t.
Then Della tells how she had to break up with her old boyfriend when she became a vampire because he noticed how low her body-temperature was and was afraid she was sick, so he wouldn’t kiss her. Miranda thinks this makes him ‘a jerk’, rather than what it actually makes him—’not entirely braindead’.
After a thrilling cliffhanger of Kylie getting an e-mail, we find out her parents weren’t born at midnight. Wow. What a twist.
Then Holiday and Kylie have a rehash of Ever and Ava’s relationship from Evermore. Kylie walks around wangsting for a few days (well, it feels like days anyway) and Derek seems to have a new girlfriend called Mandy, who is no doubt a total dumb slut.
Kylie’s dad doesn’t show up to parents’ day because he has to work. Oh, the humanity!
In this chapter we find out that Perry has a crush on Miranda. Thrilling.
Kylie still wants to go home though, and Della and Miranda are really mad, because Kylie’s been their friend for a whole week or something. Then she gets paired up with Lucas for the pairing up thing so they can bitch at each other a bit.
Apparently Lucas and Fredericka aren’t really together, and Kylie’s stupid for thinking that just because she saw them making out and Fredericka’s been acting like a jealous psycho this whole time.
A long boring conversation about vampires lets us know that vampires can only survive on human blood, and therefore people have to donate to them, and if you don’t surrender your precious life-blood to a vampire then you’re a bigot!
Then they have an equally boring conversation about werewolves.
Then they climb some rocks.
And then they kiss.
Wait, what? I thought she hated Lucas because he killed her cat! Where did this come from, apart from one sex dream earlier!?
Suddenly Trey walks in on them and it’s a real shock… that he’s even still bothering to be in the book. As you can imagine, this leads to absolutely nothing.
Then Kylie tells Della she knows she hasn’t been a very good friend (of a week or whatever), but from now on she’ll start donating blood. Woo hoo. Mindless conversation ensues.
And now it’s vision time, and Kylie has a vision of a foreign land, which she knows is a foreign land because… she just knows. She’s reliving, or re-dying soldier-ghost’s death, of being shot by some guy who was ‘evil, she knew it’, because he went to stop a woman from being killed even though he knew he’d fail and be killed himself. S-M-R-T smart!
She goes to tell Holiday, but someone stops her…
It was……………………………………………….. VOLXEMORT!
No, it was just Sky. Remember her? I do, but only because she had such a stupid name. She takes Kylie to Holiday so she can say ‘I know what the ghost wants!’ and not reveal it. I mean, I’m guessing vengeance or whatever, but yeah…
So the next morning useless monster-camp gossip ensues. Then Lucas drops by to give Kylie a kitten, and reveal it wasn’t him who killed her cat, but his evil dad. Big surprise. Then he tells her they can never be together because it’s too dangerous. Even more of a surprise.
A while later Mulder and Scully drop by looking for Lucas, and Holiday accompanies them to complain about everything, and Kylie now believes Lucas is a misunderstood saint who can do no wrong.
I think Lucas’ disappearance might count as the plot starting, so I guess I can say Helen interrupts the plot to talk about boyfriends with Kylie, but I might be jumping the gun on that plot thing. We are only three quarters of the way through, after all, still plenty of time left.
Things that don’t seem to have any relevance happen, and then Derek gives up some more blood so he can spend time with Kylie, declaring his oh-so-bland love.
After love declarations, Derek and Kylie discuss soldier-ghost, and how stupid—uh, brave he was, marching into certain death for the sake of heroics that achieved nothing.
Kylie’s mom pops round for a visit and then leaves without giving Kylie a hug—the monster! Then her dad pops round and goes one worse—he flirts with Holiday! Burn in hell, flirty-dad!
In her misery, Kylie has an ice-cream day with Holiday, picks up some books on dyslexia, and then sees two people kissing…
Granny Goodness and the Death Dealers!
No, it’s her dad and some younger woman. And I’ll stop using that joke when ‘Born at Midnight’ stops using the same ‘it was…’ cliffhanger over and over again. Kylie immediately wonders whether murdering her dad would count as justifiable homicide.
Later, Kylie and Miranda try to read the books on dyslexia, but Miranda can’t read them because she’s dyslexic. So… no one ever tried to help her with this before, then?
Anyway, Kylie returns to her room to find someone left a lion on her bed—I hate it when that happens!
Turns out the lion isn’t Perry this time, as soldier-ghost helpfully informs her when he decides to show up and actually speak for once. No, this lion is for realz. Kylie asks the most important question—what is soldier-ghost’s name?
It’s Daniel. Whoop-dee-doo.
Then she asks some more great questions, like ‘is my grandmother in heaven?’
While the lion is still there.
Daniel tells the idiot that ‘they’ only allow one ghost near a person at a time until they’re ‘ready’.
Then the lion attacks.
Shit, it’s like reading a boring conversation scene spliced with a boring action scene to create some kind of literary freak of nature. Well, this is another Evermore-Twilight incest child.
Derek shows up so he can use his animal-empathy to save the day, and Holiday reveals that the reason the FBI are there is because someone’s been killing the animals in the local wildlife park, and the government thinks it’s someone from the camp. Holiday immediately begins complaining about supernatural racial profiling.
Well, yeah! I mean, the book’s made it very clear that the supernaturals are an elite, not an oppressed minority, they’ve caused untold death and destruction over the ages and even today a good number of them don’t give a shit about humans or human laws!
And then Holiday agrees that it’s probably someone from the camp doing it anyway! And really, the most of the characters in the book are supernaturals, so unless it’s Trey or Kylie’s parents, I’m guessing she’s going to be right!
My money’s on Socks the kitten, personally.
The next day suspicion is high in Camp Monster, but more important than that—Miranda figured out how to get her ephebophile piano-teacher to stop turning into a toad.
Another problem solved!
Kylie tries to get Derek to use his abilities to find out what’s going on, and decides to distract the FBI guy in order to sneak Derek and herself into the park. Derek is distracted in his task by Kylie having boobs, and therefore some random guys sneak up on them.
It’s vampires, surprise, surprise. A fight scene ensues, Della pops by to help, Kylie has an out-of-body experience, or possibly dies.
Hah. We should be so lucky.
No, the astral projection ends as quickly as it begins and the FBI show up to save the day. It turns out Sky was working for the bad guys because they kidnapped her sister.
Huh. I wonder if these guys have links with the Polish werewolf mafia from Verity?
Then after a bit more stupidity, they reveal that the camp is going to be turned into a school for more ridiculous adventures.
Derek and Kylie kiss, true love, I guess that whole ‘going to the zoo’ thing counted as the plot for this book…
The FBI guy becomes the replacement camp leader.
Kylie makes up with her mother. Yay.
And it turns out Kylie’s dad isn’t her real dad, it was soldier-ghost. What a twist.
Then just so we know there’s going to be another book, another ghost shows up.
And we end on that one consistency this book has kept up with strong will and determination throughout its entire run…
Okay you guys, this is really exciting, because as I said before, I was indeed born at midnight, and that means I have some kind of magical power, which in turn means I can get rich! Fantastic! Now, if I only knew what it was…
Dawn: I know what your magical power is.
Really, Dawn—you do? Tell me, what am I!?
Dawn: You’re a freak! Hahahahahahaha!
Oh, Dawn—I never know what you’re going to say next. I guess my power is to talk to characters from books, though it’s also possible I might just be one of the crazy ones. What do you think, Gollum?
Gollum: *Gollum! Gollum!*
That’s right, Gollum. I couldn’t agree more.
Dawn: What a freak.