Now it’s fencing class, taught by a guy with tattoos, (Shh! Don’t tell Kylie from Born at Midnight!) who is really boring. Then it’s lunch, wherein everyone has a conversation about Erik… that is really boring. Then it’s horse-riding class, which is, you guessed it, boring.
Oh, and Zoey is really special and everything.
On the way to the Full Moon Ritual, Stevie tells Zoey that a girl just died, as some vampires do when they reject ‘the change’, so sad…
Well, forget that, it’s time for a conversation about pentagrams, and how they’re not evil.
The whole ritual starts, apparently by quoting Byron (let me guess—he was a vampire too?) and then worshipping Avatar: The Last Airbender by doing the Hokey-Cokey, shuffling around in a circle, and praying to the four elements.
Zoey is truly moved by this mumbo jumbo, which is apparently much more moving that the mumbo jumbo of Christianity.
Now it’s time for Aphrodite’s super secret club ritual. Yay!
Zoey goes to the clubhouse and sees Erik there, gushes a bit, then goes on about the furniture, Aphrodite, the other girls who she hates because… uh…
Then the ritual starts, apparently by smoking pot. Hmm, good ritual. Some of the girls talk like insane radical feminists and then Aphrodite does a sexy dance, which prompts Zoey to assure the reader that she’s not gay. Well thank goodness for that, Aphrodite—you should be safe!
Then Aphrodite goes all vampire supremacist, (and also cat supremacist?) and really, with the way humans and vampires are portrayed in this book, why not?
Finally, Zoey downs some booze and the whole thing ends. Then she learns that the booze was spiked with epic homophobia guy’s blood, which results in vomiting. Yay!
Ah, the halfway point. Excellent. /Mr Burns.
Zoey tries to ignore her first taste of blood by talking to a random cat, and by random I mean it’s her destined cat-partner of destiny. She also mentions that in this universe, vampires don’t have fangs. Wow, that’s kind of stupid.
She’s distracted from the cat, however, by the dead girl that passes by (the same one Stevie was talking about earlier, who Zoey had met in passing previously). Nothing comes of this. But her dumb friends Kayla and Heath also show up, so that’s something.
Kayla is apparently making a move for Heath, which annoys Zoey because Heath is her boyfriend… who she seemingly can’t stand, constantly belittles, and is glad she never actually went out with. Yeah. I’d be mad too.
They smoke now, so Zoey gives them a lecture about the evils of smoking, reminiscent of her lecture on the evils of oral sex. It’s almost as if her character was a poorly written author mouthpiece! This makes Kayla flounce, but Heath doesn’t care because the only thing that goes through his mind is:
So Zoey scratches him, gets some bloodlust and sucks his nummy blood. Kayla the killjoy stops her before she can make his body as equally empty of blood as it is of brains, and even though he really liked getting snacked on the dolorous duo make their exit.
Generic Love Interest Erik shows up to comfort Zoey, telling her that normally vampires don’t like blood until their fourth year of being ‘marked’, but Zoey does because she’s special. Yay. Zoey has the old, ‘I just want to be normal!’ whine, and thinks about kissing Erik, then scolds herself for the terrible crime of wanting to kiss boys!
They talk about drinking blood for the whole chapter.
Zoey tells Stevie everything that happened over the past few chapters—just in case there were those of us who skipped over them, I guess. They berate Kayla for going after the ‘boyfriend’ Zoey doesn’t even want, and call Aphrodite a ho. Literally.
Then it’s revealed that Aphrodite has visions of future tragedies, which she doesn’t tell anyone about because she’s EVIL! And Neferet doesn’t notice because… she’s an idiot.
Zoey then reveals she felt some special affinity for the elements during the rituals, and this means she’s the most super-duper special awesome vampire who ever lived ever. Which somehow prompts Stevie to tell her wangsty tale of how Aphrodite was really mean to her one time.
This makes Zoey realise that Aphrodite wanted her to not join them, and gave her some blood to drink in the hopes that she’d be scared off, and this means Zoey has to join them, to change them from within or something.
Uh… let’s see. Zoey and Stevie have a boring conversation and Zoe begins her plan to infiltrate the clubhouse and stop Aphrodite. Then she goes to see Neferet and begins complaining about her family instead of, you know, the actual reason she went to see her. But Neferet thankfully shuts her up with her own wangsty backstory and they get down to business.
Boring business. Zoey once again goes over everything that happened in the past few chapters, and Neferet whines about how Bram Stoker was a big meanie poo poo-head for saying bad things about vampires.
Also Zoey possibly ‘imprinted’ on Heath. I really hope this isn’t like the Twilight version of ‘imprinting’, poor old Heath is far too dumb to have to deal with that.
Zoey calls up Grandma Stereotype for some good old Native American wisdom, and she gives her a veritable feast of useless platitudes.
Later on Erik pops by for a nice boring conversation about—you guessed it—everything that just happened over the last few chapters. Also he asks her out, but she says no in favour of spending time with Aphrodite.
And now she goes over what happened previously with her other dumb friends, wow—this is a real page turner!
Then Aphrodite pops up to tell Zoey to stay away from Erik, and tries to hit her, but Zoey is just so cool that she catches her hand and tells her to get da fuk out!
The three-quarter way mark! And unless Zoey ousting Aphrodite from power in the clubhouse is the plot, (and I wouldn’t be too surprised if it was), then we’re blissfully free from plot right now.
To continue this ‘plot’, Zoey and her super best friends have a dumb ritual.
After the ritual of endless boredom that took up a whole chapter, Zoey’s friends go on about how awesome the ritual was, and how awesome Zoey is.
Then Zoey meets up with Erik so they can do some Generic Loving, and Zoey thinks about Aphrodite the whole time.
Okay, so she’s focussing on Erik’s relationship with her, but still. Apparently she doesn’t trust his feelings, because he used to go out with Aphrodite, and that means he’s bad because Aphrodite’s bad and Zoey is dirty and wrong for kissing him like Aphrodite once did.
Yep, in Zoey’s eyes Erik is pretty much damaged goods.
Epic-apathy randomly dies the next day, and is less than apathetic about it, though everyone else is. Apparently vampires have 10% mortality rate in the first four years—sucks to be them.
Neferet consoles them by not being at all consoling, and Zoey is distracted by Aphrodite still existing, and by braindead Heath leaving her whiny messages on her mobile, which means she has indeed imprinted on him.
On her way to see Neferet about Braindead, Zoey finds Aphrodite having a vision of death in an alcove and complains about her not telling people about her visions. She brings her to Neferet’s office where she goes on about blood and death some more, then Zoey leaves.
Huh. I think something may have actually just happened there.
Later, Zoey runs into her dream team who tell her they want to go with her to the clubhouse, but Zoey says this is ‘sumthing I haf 2 do on mai own!’ and flounces.
But I’m sure she regrets it when she runs into zombie!Epic-Apathy in the hallway. Oh NOES!
Well, it’s only ghost!Epic-Apathy, that’s not so bad. He does sod all and then buggers off, and Zoey doesn’t tell Neferet about this because… otherwise the story won’t make any sense.
Zoey goes to the clubhouse to see Aphrodite, whose taunts now seem less like bullying, and more like the crazed ramblings of a diseased mind. But she calls Zoey a ‘freak’ just like Dawn would have, so I’m still smitten.
Aphrodite takes all the club members out clubbing, and Zoey meets up with Erik as they go through a secret passageway into the most exciting place ever…
Zoey is aghast at this desecration of a public monument, having thought they were going to break into ‘some rich guy’s house’. It’s always okay to break into rich people’s houses!
Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway…
Guards are drugged, a circle is formed, stuff is described, and Aphrodite begins another boring ritual. Well, these rituals aren’t badly written or anything—that’s kind of the problem, they’re the only things that aren’t. I skip over them to get back to the glorious badness.
And then Braindead bursts in on them! Yay, he’s my favourite character!
Zoey tells Heath to get da fuk out, but Aphrodite says he can stay, and does a strip-tease, to entice him towards her.
If Heath survives, I just know he’s going to grow up to become a guard for some bad guys who constantly fails in his duty whenever he sees boobs.
Then the dream team show up to save Heath (?) from Aphrodite apparently killing him via ritual-ghosts or something. The ghosts attack Heath and Zoey has to become the Avatar to save him, using all the elements, plus the strongest element of them all—friendship.
Sorry, my eyes started bleeding there. Ahem, the ghosts are driven away and Zoey gets some super special awesome tattoos of power, which make that ho Aphrodite totes jealous.
Aww, don’t worry, Aphrodite. You can join the much cooler club of me, Dawn, Marcie, Celeste, Stacia and Pepper! It’ll be all right!
Zoey gives Aphrodite some boring lectures and Neferet conveniently shows up at the last minute to declare her the new leader of the clubhouse.
Neferet goes on and on about how awesome Zoey is, and then her friends talk about their amazing friendship of… what, five days? I’m crying here, guys—it’s just so beautiful.
Aphrodite says, ‘I’ll get you next time, Gadget! Next tiiiiiiime!’ and buggers off so Zoey can wonder about her vision, and all those other plot threads that I suppose will be resolved in the next book.
PREVIEW OF THE NEXT BOOK
Zoey and her friends have a boring conversation.
I’m glad to see we can count on the same old quality writing further down the line—one can never be too careful when it comes to sequelitis!
I don’t have that much time to talk this week—Aphrodite is crying on the settee right now, and there’s only so much comfort the other girls can give her, seeing as they hate everyone who isn’t them.
Still, I broke into some rich guy’s house to maybe find something to cheer her up—he was from the Fire Nation, so deserved to get his stuff stolen anyway. All that’s left to do now is to find the Imperial Silver Crystal so we can save Crystal Tokyo from the evil vampire ghosts that Zoey couldn’t be bothered to destroy in this instalment of—
What’s that? A knock on the door?
Oh, snap—it’s the fuzz! Quick, girls, hide the weed!