Halo: The Suburban Angel Apocalypse (Part II)

PART TWO

Chapter Sixteen

Gabriel decides to invite Xavier over for dinner so he can re-enact that famous scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Well, I hope that’s why he’s inviting him anyway. Xavier’s response to being invited to dinner with the Archangel Gabriel is pretty much ‘Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh… okay.’

Unfortunately dinner is mostly just really boring, and Gabriel seems to have as low an opinion of Beth as I do, as he pretty much says that Xavier is going to be her babysitter. After some dumb conversations, Xavier leaves, having apparently impressed the angels with his extreme generic-ness.

Then there’s a filler scene where the angels go flying.

Chapter Seventeen

The half-way mark! My amusement with this one is beginning to fade—I hope something really stupid happens soon!

But so far it’s just some really boring conversations and Beth mentioning that Molly is becoming jealous of the time she spends with Xavier. Come on, Beth—chicks before dicks!

Then some guy I don’t think we’ve heard of before tries to ask Ivy out…

Why?

And Xavier starts becoming friends for all the angels, helping them with modern technology that for some reason they didn’t already know about (how were they getting by before him?) and making sure Beth only hangs out with people he approves of. What a catch!

So more stuff happens, there’s a clichéd attempted sexual assault, blah blah blah…

And then a ‘bump’ from England with the stupid name of ‘Jake Thorn’ is introduced. (surprise pregnancy?)

Could this be… a Generic Love Triangle?

Chapter Eighteen

The English teacher tells Beth that she’ll need to work on creating a love poem with a partner in preparation for their work on the Romantics, in order to let that class know she doesn’t understand the term ‘Romantic’ when used in that context.

Jake Thorn, PI, (not really, but he sounds like it) steps up to read his poem first. Since he’s apparently a fan of The Following, he chooses some Poe to read out. Oww! Just bumped my head on the pop culture reference limit bar!

The women in the room all go gaga over him, and surprise, surprise, he ends up with Beth as his partner, where they discuss mindless nothing, but this is one of those five-minute classes so they part ways soon enough.

Xavier and Beth drive home and although some brave soul on a motorbike tries to put an end to their sappiness, they survive the journey and proceed to do some boring homework.

Chapter Nineteen

Things are getting really exciting now, as Beth is invited to meet Xavier’s family! What if his sisters think her clothes are unfashionable!? (this is actually a concern she has). Oh the suspense!

Beth is also worried that they’ll compare her to dead!girlfriend, but Xavier says dead!girlfriend couldn’t really have been his One True Love because her parents were divorced, or something.

Fortunately Xavier’s family are reassuringly boring, religious, and the kind of people who ‘pile your plate high with baked potatoes’. That says it all about them really.

Chapter Twenty

Beth goes to English class to find Jake trying to seduce their teacher. The teacher points out that it would be illegal, but Jake’s been to the Wise Woman and has picked up a Cunning Plan so no one else will ever know. The dumb teacher therefore is completely fine with their relationship, and the pop culture references in this review are now over 9000.

Beth disapproves, because the English teacher ‘deserves more respect’, even though she’s a complete tool. But Jake just twirls his moustache a bit and the lesson continues. Meanwhile Gabriel and Ivy are actually trying to achieve their mission, and have succeeded in getting more students involved in extra-curricular activities, which will apparently somehow save the world.

Anyway, who cares about that?—the PROM is approaching! Shopping montage! But, oh no! They don’t find a dress that suits Beth!

Then Ivy says she has nothing better to do than to make Beth a dress, problem solved. Yay.

Later, Beth runs into Jake Thorn, PI, and has a conversation with him where he reveals he’s hardcore, because he lives above a tattoo parlour. Also he practically spells out that he’s a demon/fallen angel/evil guy/villain/thingamy-bob. Will Beth get it?

Chapter Twenty-One

No.

She does flip out about him implying he knows she’s an angel, but only because she thinks he might have figured it out even though he’s a human, which he obviously isn’t. He feigns ignorance, because apparently he has more than two brain cells to rub together.

Bethany doesn’t, because even though Jake’s touch burns her skin she brushes it off as nothing.

Then she and Xavier have a discussion about nothing, she and Molly talk about Xavier’s penis, and Jake uses his powers to burn a woman’s legs.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Molly comes over to Beth’s house to admire a painting Beth thinks is too deep for poor dumb Molly to understand—or any human for that matter, but she explains it anyway, and it’s about as hard to understand as the plot of Hush, Hush.

In other news, Molly wants to become a good citizen now, as maybe then Gabriel would be interested in her; because what’s the point in doing good if you’re not rewarded for it!?

Beth tries to warn her away from him, but Molly doesn’t listen, and Gabriel drives her home because there’s no more dangerous a place than the suburban near-paradise they live in.

The next day, Jake has written some poetry which basically amounts to ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I am a demon, and I will kill you.’ Then he name-drops Wuthering Heights, because that’s what you do when you’re a ‘Badboy’ Love Interest in YA paranormal romance.

He proceeds to be even creepier, and Beth tells him to get da fuk out, so he backs off. Then she goes to talk to Xavier about… *giggle*… you know, things Tee hee hee!

Sex, basically. Their conversation is boring, but later on Ivy tells Beth that if a human and an angel have sex, the angel will fall and the human will be permanently damaged.

Too good for ’em, I say!

Chapter Twenty-Three

Shit, this is going to be longer than I’d hoped. Oh well, never mind.

Ah, let’s see… bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, the group goes to visit old people and one of them dies of oldness. I’m sure this chapter really needed to be here…

Chapter Twenty-Four

Beth tries to do some worldbuilding, but Xavier tells her to stop because this is paranormal romance, not dystopia, so worldbuilding isn’t allowed—even in infodumps.

Then Xavier injures himself playing rugby. Oh noes! Beth flips out, they go to the hospital, a man in a fedora drops by in the villains-from-Verity manner, and the home team wins the game, yay!

But the worst part is that now Xavier will MISS THE PROM!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

He reads the Bible instead… and to be fair, that’s what I’d rather do. Beth goes to English class to do some more bad poetry with Jake, and surprise, surprise, he asks her to the Prom.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Ah, three quarters done. At this point the book forgets about angels entirely to write down every clichéd prepping-for-prom scene from every teen movie that was ever made, complete with girl-walking-downstairs but sadly not including the prom night slasher-killer.

Xavier and Jake take some time out to measure their penises, then PROM ensues.

Chapter Twenty-Six

By this point I think Jake could be wearing nothing but a balloon tied to his dangly bits that said ‘I AM THE VILLAIN’ in huge red letters and Bethany wouldn’t notice.

Oh yeah, and PROOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Beth and Jake get crowned king and queen of Prom. All shall bow before them! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then Jake does some non-consensual kissing, Beth tells him to get da fuk out, and Jake finally reveals that he is, indeed, the villain.

What a twist.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Beth tells Gabriel and Ivy that Jake is the villain and they’re like ‘yeah, we thought he might be’, but apparently they didn’t tell Beth because it wasn’t dramatically convenient at the time. Guys, you’re losing to Aunt Sophie from The Wicked Woods; I mean, her outing Fallon as a vampire was anti-climactic as hell, but at least it made sense. Maybe they prefer the Nina from XVI approach?

Anyway, Xavier sees a picture of the kissing and flips out, accusing Beth of cheating on him because… he’s a moron. So much for their loving lovers’ love, I guess!

Beth pulls a Bella-in-New-Moon wangst, so Gabriel goes over to explain things to Xavier, and Xavier believes him instead of Beth because… well, I guess he has more respect for him.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Xavier tries to convince the angels that Jake being the villain is a big deal, but the angels have read YA paranormal romance before, so they know the villains are invariably ineffectual and don’t really care. In fact they’re probably hoping this will take Bethany’s stupidity off their hands.

Jake begins a TERRIFYING campaign of… minor vandalism! And possibly food poisoning?

Then one of Beth’s dumb friends kills herself so she doesn’t have to be in the story any—I mean because of Jake’s evil mind control powers. Xavier thinks he can defeat Jake because he’s ‘just a boy’ and the apathetic angels have to point out that he has evil mind control powers and then reveal that Jake… is a DEMON!

Dun dun dun!

I’m serious—they say it like it’s supposed to be a surprise at this point.

Jake sends a death threat to Xavier but Gabriel still won’t do anything about it, probably hoping that Xavier’s stupidity will be taken off his hands too.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Jake asks Molly out on a date, and though Beth tries to warn her that he’s ‘bad news’, Molly doesn’t listen because she’s a Best Friend character and is therefore not allowed to have a brain.

Team Angel use the logic of people wearing black always hanging out in cemeteries to realise that the Final Battle will take place in the cemetery.

Chapter Thirty

Beth and Xavier tell Gabriel they’re going to the grocery store, but really they’re going to the cemetery to face off against Jake. Gabriel believes them because either he’s an idiot or he just hates them as much as I do.

Jake is trying to fit as many clichés as he possibly can in by standing in front of an angel, wearing a pentacle (to symbolise the five wounds of Christ, like all Satanists would want!), and a fedora hat and trench coat like a mafia goon.

He monologues to his Deth Dealers, and some students are brought before him so he can use a grimoire to raise the dead and speak terrible Latin. I pretty much failed Latin, and I know it’s terrible, but it does get his followers possessed by evil spirits.

Beth and Xavier let all this happen until he brings Molly forward to be possessed, and then they have to do something, because unlike the others, she’s their friend!

Jake is as unimpressed with them as I am and says that Beth must take Molly’s place, and also that he killed Xavier’s not!true love… years before they even met? Why?! Well, no great loss—I mean, her parents were divorced and everything.

And then Beth blacks out.

Chapter Thirty-One

Jake takes Beth to his evil villain lair of clichéd-ness, and psychically gives her some bad memories which almost kill her… somehow, but then Gabriel, Ivy and Xavier pop up to save the day.

Gabriel attacks Jake but only way to defeat someone with that many clichés on their side is with the even bigger cliché of the power of love. Yes, even the fedora and trench coat can’t stand up to that—I almost died laughing just reading about it, and would have if that meteor hadn’t got me earlier.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Well, that was an anti-climax.

The angels mind-rape everyone so they forget about Jake’s existence and they all live happily ever after. Or in Beth’s case, whining-ly ever after.

Epilogue

After a boring conversation, Jake leaves behind another death threat—or hell-threat, rather. Aww. What a guy.

Final Thoughts

Well, it’s the end of the world as we know it and as you see I died halfway through this review so I guess I’d better go over my options—heaven, hell, annoying-dead-sister-ghost, the possibilities go on.

Dawn: But you can’t die! What about Prom!?

I’m English, Dawn. We don’t have Prom, and neither do you or the rest of the people stuck in the village of Ireland.

Anyway, I’m off to the cemetery to hang out with all the other people who wear black so we can raise evil spirits, as you do.

Aphrodite: Ooh, can I come?! Provided you don’t bring any of those pentacles, I mean—I don’t hold with that shitty Christian superstition!

Only if you don’t mind a Green Knight cutting your head off, Aphrodite.

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