Starcrossed: Off-Page Exposition (Part II)

PART TWO

Chapter Eleven.

Halfway mark at last!

We start the second half of the book with some good old misunderstanding!Wangst, and then Helen suddenly realises that Cassandra can tell the future—Cassandra Cullen, not the mythical Cassandra because that’s too obvious even for Helen.

Remember Cassandra? She’s… a character in the book. Helen is now apparently afraid of her because of reasons, and it seems these are actually good reasons, as Cassandra abruptly tries to kill her; during which time Helen takes the Evie-from-Inescapable approach to oncoming death and does sod all.

Unfortunately it seems that Cassandra was just testing a theory she had that Helen would be un-killable, and her theory was correct. Yay.

The Cullens take turns trying to kill Helen and sadly they all fail. Lucas sees Hector make his attempt and attacks him because misunderstandings are the best, and everyone complains to Cassandra for not telling them about this before hand, to which Cassandra tells them to get da fuk out.

Except Helen, who she calls ‘the bravest thing I’ve ever seen’. Bleugh.

Also Helen has lightning powers people forgot to tell her about. She just gets more special every day!

Then Helen and Lucas fight, she has a weird dream, more HIGH SCHOOL bullshit… and Creon has a POV to remind everyone that he’s the villain.

Chapter Twelve

Helen figures that writing on mirrors will help with her visions of stuff. It doesn’t.

Then she figures that training is pointless, since she’s un-killable and all, so she tells Hector to get da fuk out, but Hector tells her that all those training montages need to actually have a point in the story, and they fight. She breaks his arm, he somehow catches her anyway and drags her off under the sea.

It turns out being a sea monster is another of the super special powers the Cullens have, and almost drowning convinces Helen to go back to training. It seems she can be killed by water, then.

Helen decides to fly to Claire’s house to let her know about all the magic powers and shit. Claire reacts with no surprise whatsoever and a bunch of bad vampire jokes. What a tense moment! Claire also reveals that she’s known Helen could fly since they were kids and she pushed Helen off a roof.

Okay…

Then Creon attacks her. Ooh, something actually happening! But it goes nowhere of course; Lucas shows up and saves her. Yay.

Then Claire reveals she knew about Helen being unkillable too, because of all the other times she tried to kill her!

I think Claire is my new favourite character…

Also, Helen killed a supposed child molester when she was young and no one noticed except Claire, because they were all morons. Claire remained friends with her though, because apparently Claire is Japanese, and all the other people on the island they live on are racist. Or something?

Claire gets taken into Cullen protective custody, and Twu Wuv ensues between Lucas and Helen…

Chapter Thirteen

Well, Creon has been waiting outside the whole time, and is now in lust with Helen because of how super-special-awesome she is. His mum calls him up to ask how things are going, and on being told of Helen, and her super-special-awesomeness, says Creon must come back now to talk to Uncle Tantalus! OMG! Wot cood dis meen?!

The rest of the chapter is boring and pointless.

Chapter Fourteen

Wow, this book has really long chapters… Anyway, more boring pointlessness ensues, such as Lucas being jealous for no reason, Helen being worried about Zach (remember him? I don’t.) telling everyone she can fly even though he has no evidence, more lightning powers and the terrible fact that Helen may have to quit track!

Then we find out that Helen’s mother put a perception filter on her special necklace of specialness, so everyone sees something different when they look at it. It turns out this is some special gadget of Aphrodite’s, called a ‘cestus’, and that’s what makes Helen unkillable.

Also Cassandra will never fall in love because of the Fates, what a drag. Those Fates, huh? They suck and stuff. Who’s Cassandra again?

Anyway, Noel finds out about the cestus (who’s she again? Oh, right, Lucas’ mother. May as well call her Esme) and warns everyone that this could restart the Trojan war… somehow. And Lucas’ name should have been Paris. What a twist.

Chapter Fifteen

Ah, three quarters done, whoop dee shit.

Well, after another boring vision Helen stops to wangst about the girls at school who want to know whether she and Lucas are over or not—”vultures… circling… hoping to be the first to land on one or the other of the carcasses.”

One or the other? Does that mean that the local girls don’t really care whether its Lucas or Helen they get? Hmm. Wouldn’t have thought so many of them were out, what with the island’s apparently low tolerance of other races.

Meanwhile, Creon dumps some exposition about his meeting with his father—not like we would have wanted to see that for ourselves or anything—and he’s plotting to…

Enough of that! Time for more boring training montages!

Then Helen and Lucas decide they don’t care about that whole re-starting the Trojan war thing—they’re in WUV! Not that I’d care either, the whole thing is ridiculous, but these dumbasses actually do believe in it and are willing to run away together anyway so yeah.

Helen asks hypothetically whether Lucas would still want her if she wasn’t a virgin, and he says sure he would—but he’d have to go out and murder her previous lover(s). What a guy!

Then Helen’s mum shows up and kidnaps her.

The Cullens figure out that whoever took her wasn’t working for Creon due to Cassandra’s visions, and Hector feels like it’s all his fault for dumb reasons. This makes Lucas want ‘to rip Hector’s face off’. What a guy! He spends the rest of the day looking for Helen, even though there’s a massive storm out, and unfortunately doesn’t die.

Meanwhile, Helen’s mother Daphne does some shape-shifting, and promises to explain everything.

Ooh, I hope this results in lots of exposition!

Chapter Sixteen

Before exposition, we must get through some padding! The Cullens wander around aimlessly. That’s about it.

Then Helen calls them up to say she and Daphne are getting da fuk out because of reasons. It seems the exposition I was expecting happened off-page.

Off-page exposition, people.

OFF-PAGE EXPOSITION!

Because Lucas has lie-detector abilities, he knows she’s telling the truth when she says she’s not being coerced. Pallas wants to go out and avenge Ajax, but Cassandra gets possessed by the Fates, who tell him he’s not an important enough character to actually do anything in the story, and it’ll have to be Lucas. Sorry, Pallas!

Wait, isn’t Pallas a girl’s name?

Chapter Seventeen

Wow, that was a brief chapter. Relatively speaking.

Creon’s back to doing what he does best and spying on people, he overhears the entire conversation and …

Apparently that’s enough of Creon. We rejoin Helen and Daphne to find that Helen has now gained shape-shifting abilities as well. Super. More padding ensues, pad, pad, pad… Helen’s father isn’t really her father—yeah, saw that one coming, nice that it was revealed off-page.

Anyway Lucas shows up and can see through Helen’s disguise because of the power of wuv. Exposition explodes exponentially, exactly as I expected. Daphne says the young wuvvers must be parted, but is then told that Cassandra made a prophecy that they wouldn’t be parted, and is like ‘oh, okay, brah. Whatevs.’

Then Creon shows up and the wackiness begins; the useless friend characters are injured, shit gets real. Real boring. They run away and nothing happens, basically. Oh, then Daphne reveals that it was Uncle Tantalus who killed Ajax, not her, because of the whole dumb Furies/Trojan War shit that makes no sense.

Stupid prophecies ensue, it turns out none of the other Houses are really extinct, because they need to show up in the sequels, it was all just a big misunderstanding, blah, blah, blah. Helen and Lucas can’t be together because they’re cousins, so sad. Yawn. Wait, they wanted to be together even when they thought it might destroy the world, but now they find out they’re related it’s no dice? What a pair of assholes!

Nice how Helen is expositing stuff she heard earlier in an off-page exposition dump! There’s a new one.

Chapter Eighteen

Creon has a POV to show that he still exists, and is so the ineffectual villain for this book, damn it! Then he flashbacks to his own off-page exposition, in which Daddy Tantalus gave him a mission to kill Daphne, whoop-dee-doo, Creon, I’m rooting for you—if only because the main characters are all so annoying.

Meanwhile, there’s some more filler for us, Helen writes a note to her dad to explain that he’s no longer important enough to be a character in the book, and Daphne gets kidnapped!

Well, it looks like Pandora is evil.

Wait, who’s Pandora again?

Daphne tells Pandora that Helen really isn’t Ajax’s kid after all, because cousin incest is icky. Luckily, Daphne is able to use her power to get Creon to kill Pandora, though she says she didn’t. Hector shows up to go after him, and Helen’s followed him. Then Hector kills Creon, how exciting, only it really isn’t.

Lucas shows up to kill Hector for being a kinslayer, (wouldn’t that make him a kinslayer too?) but Helen and Daphne protect him and the incredibly lacklustre conclusion to ‘Starcrossed’ is at an end.

Chapter Nineteen

Well, it’s time for the wrap-up. Some bullshit is spoken, Daphne acts offended when as far as I can tell, she’s the cause of all this, and then it’s revealed that Helen is the super-special chosen one ring of power, and all her visions were real.

You know, those visions that were too boring for me to recount?

Daphne says she caused all the pain she has to protect Helen, and it worked, except for how it obviously didn’t, so too bad about that. Lucas realises that Creon had planned to meet someone, so Daphne’s still in danger, but Helen takes some time out to have a boring goodbye with her fake dad, because I guess like me she really hates her mother.

I hate Helen’s mother, I mean—not mine, I swear, Mum; don’t call the Furies down on me!

FINAL THOUGHTS

No time for much of a write up today—me, Aphrodite (from ‘Marked’), Aphrodite (the real one), Dawn, Marcie, Gretchen and the rest are all hanging out inside this wooden horse thing. We knocked on the Cullen’s—uh, Delos’s door a while ago so we could jump out and kill them, but for now we’re still waiting.

So.

………..

Anyone read any good books lately?

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