The Twelve Days of Conquest

Two weeks after my last post, allow me to begin this one by saying–

“Shit! Shit, stupid fucking piece of shit crap printer never fucking works! Fuck this stupid shitty thing, never should have wasted my fucking money–”

You get the picture. It should not be so hard to scan a stupid drawing onto my computer so I can write a stupid blog post talking about the drawing I did! And yes, technically the drawing was a tiny doodle in the corner, and the actual focus of this post are the words I wrote on the page while I was at work, which I could have just typed up here, and in the correct order since the order I originally had the lines in is now plagued with arrows that have switched the places of about half the words, but how could I deny you, my dear readers, the majesty of my artwork when it is second to none but Leonardo de Angelo himself!

At least, I’m pretty sure that’s his name. Like, sixty percent.

Anyway, I finally defeated the evil printer and have scanned this from an A6 notebook with owls on it for your enjoyment, as part of a series I wanted to do this month about ‘518’, since it’s my Camp NaNo novel. Behold, ‘The Twelve Days of Conquest’!

The Days of Conquest

So the idea behind this one is, in the book Earth is taken over by aliens. Of course, there’s a resistance to the aliens, but it’s not all doom and gloom at La Resistance–sometimes they take the piss out of themselves by putting resisting-alien-invasion themed words to traditional Christmas carols!

As you do.

Well, it’s what I’d do! Indeed, I got the idea going through some old notebooks and finding the words I wrote to the very same tune in ‘celebration’ of the Iraq War back when I was like, twelve or something.

The idea behind these particular words needs some explanation. First of all, ‘Bambi’ is the derogatory term used by the humans for the alien invaders–as you can see from the doodle, they have antlers. Hence Bambi. As for the gifts of Bambi, some of them are references to popular alien-invasion movies (2, 3, 4, 8, 12), some refer to things that were happening in-universe, (6, 9, 10, 11), and the rest are in-jokes for the resistance.

1, for example, refers to the snake one member found in the bathroom one day that caused much mischief and mayhem for that entire cell, for the entire day. (I never said they were a particularly competent resistance). 5 refers to the multiple ant infestations their base had, and 7 to an aid package they received from the U.S. Army, who had received it in turn from the British Government. The American Resistance members did not know what ‘Marmite’ was before this precious gift was thus bestowed upon them, and as you can see, it made quite an impression.

Of course, being me, I later decided to switch most of the numbers around, so finally the song has ended up something like this:

On the Twelfth day of Conquest, Bambi gave to me…
Twelve Jars of Marmite,
Eleven Annoying Hashtags,
Ten Doomsday Prophets,
Nine Pretentious Speeches
Eight Charity Concerts
Seven Blown-up Landmarks
Six Killer Robots
Five! Ants’! Nests!
Four Chest-Bursters
Three Brain Slugs
Two Pod People
And a Snake in the Lavatory!

I don’t know if the whole song will make an appearance in the book, but I had fun coming up with it instead of doing work, and that’s the main thing.

So Merry Christmas, everyone!


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