This article appeared on my twitter-feed today, and it’s a Buzzfeed article, so you know it’s going to be comedy gold. A good one, I thought, to really start showing my fee-fees for those plucky little SJW darlings.
Oh wait, calling them ‘darling’ is sexist. And since I am also a woman, I have also now lost HP. Curse my dastardly internalised misogyny!
Anyway, the article is here: https://archive.today/zRB16
Let’s see what it’s about… without taking it too seriously, of course…
“23 Writers with Messages for Straight White Male Publishing”
Do they mean ‘publishers’? Or is there a particular technique that only straight white males use in publishing? Your average SJW is probably poised to jump in and answer ‘Yeah, it’s the one where they only publish other straight white males’, or at least they would if my voice carried any weight… anywhere. But firstly, that would be a preference, not a technique, and secondly, it wouldn’t be true.
‘We asked attendees at the annual Association of Writers & Writing Programs conference if they had any messages for the predominantly white publishing industry. Here are their answers.’
What follows being a series of pictures of non straight-white-cis-male-scum holding up their messages for all to behold. Let’s see what deep and meaningful statements they come up with…
‘1. Diversity is NOT publishing ‘the one story’. It’s publishing multiple stories from people of diverse backgrounds’
‘Diversity is not publishing’? Learn how to use words, mate. Though I suppose that’s difficult with your only literary references being that ‘one story’ the shitlords keep republishing. Is it ‘Twilight‘? Because I read a lot of teen fantasy, and I’m guessing it’s ‘Twilight’.
‘2. My main characters are NOT always black.’
Okay… it’s a black woman in the photo, so I guess she’s saying that shitlord publishers aren’t looking at her work because they think all her characters are black, when they’re not. So basically, she’s willing to write about white people if it means someone in the big leagues will publish her? What a sell-out. Unless she’s writing about, like, Asians or Native Americans or something… but I don’t know why the shitlords would care about that.
‘3. Read less straight white men.’
Straight white man Stannis Baratheon would like to inform you that your message should read ‘Read fewer straight white men’. And probably have a ‘works of’ or ‘works from’ stuck in there somewhere. Also, you should be telling them to read more minority works, not less of what they’re already reading–assuming you want more minority voices heard.
‘4. We read. (And buy books.)’
‘We’ being who, Social Justice Warriors? Because I’ll admit that one is new to me, I thought you guys only read poorly researched online articles and agenda-pushing web-comics.
‘5. Get over it.’
No! Aethelstan is dead! I’ll never get over it! Fucking Floki and his fucking jealousy, Grrr! ‘Vikings’ is RUINED!
… that’s pretty much the only thing I’m upset about right now, I mean, I don’t know what you were talking about.
‘6. Be Honest.’
Thanks, Barney the Dinosaur, why don’t you tell them to do their recycling and eat their five-a-day while you’re at it?
To what? You? The Mary-Sue? The voices in your head? Oh wait, I know–you forgot to add the ‘and Believe’ to the message, didn’t you? It’s understandable, I mean, you only had the whole page to write on.
‘8. We owe you nothing.’
No, I suppose you don’t… unless you took some of their books without paying, I guess. Or feel the slightest bit of gratitude for the hours of entertainment, thought and discussion traditional publishers have brought the world over the years. I mean, it’s definitely not like they owe you anything.
‘9. Grow up.’
Your mum. XP
’10. Look out the window.’
… why? *Looks outside window* I mean, there’s nothing out there–
*Meteorite falls on house; kills unrepentant shitlord*
’11. Sit down and let us abolish you.’
Wait, you want to literally ban straight white men from being in the publishing industry? Or did you just mean ‘demolish’? Either way, you’re an idiot.
’12. Ain’t nobody got time for THAT!?!’
Sigh. That’s the way of these things, just devolving into tired old internet memes/catchphrases.
’13. It’s over 9000!’
This time it’s the real one. No, really. That’s this woman’s only message to the white male publishing industry. Chill. And I don’t see how they can with Miss 11 up there coming to abolish them.
’14. [arrow pointing towards messenger] Asian American author w/an Asian American editor.’
That’s great, I’m sure the shitlords needed to know that–you’ll totally blow their minds–for realz. Things will never be the same again.
’15. She’s coming for you. [arrow]’
In this picture, a woman holds the message up so that the arrow points at her friend, another woman, who gives the camera a middle finger. No doubt those shitlord publishers are quaking in their leather boots.
’16. Plz stop.’
Is this an example of that ‘disemvowelling’ I’ve been hearing about? Or is it just dumb all on its own?
Anyway, in answer to your question: No.
’17. We are not tokens.’
Written by a woman wearing a t-shirt saying ‘I am not a token’. You’d think she could have thought of something else to say and given them two messages at the same time–or just pointed at her t-shirt and saved the ink and paper. And I’m assuming she’s not a character in a book, so I don’t know how she could be a token.
Unless she’s saying her local publishing house has a ‘token’ policy for including minorities, and she didn’t make the cut. And I can see why she might be upset about that. Still, I hope the page goes in the recycling.
’18. You have not doomed us, you’ve doomed yourselves.’
Heh heh. Every time someone say ‘doom’ I think of that Doom fanfic; ‘Repercussions of Evil’. I guess the shitlords have failed to include minority voices in their publishing and now it’s too late…
… far too late for now, anyway.
’19. Pay attention to the world!’
What was that? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. Okay, next!
’20. Hire women. Diversity makes you strong.’
And hiring people based on their gender makes you super-strong! Wait, no, it makes you… what’s that other word? Oh yes, a moron.
’21. We don’t need you. XO’
Then why are you even talking to them?
’22. Take a vacation. A long one.’
Aww, the SJWs are thinking about the shitlords’ well-being, wanting them to have a good time, be rested, and come back stronger than ever before, revitalised and ready to give valuable publishing deals to the next generation of shitlord authors. You guys!
’23. Don’t assume that you are at the center.’
Of… the publishing world? Because if this list is supposed to be addressed to ‘the predominantly white publishing industry’, the term ‘predominant’ kind of suggests they are.
So there you have it; SJWs had this opportunity to deliver a message to the evil shitlord publishers, and this is the best they could come up with. And the best use of my time I could think of was to spend an hour mocking them, so who’s the real loser here? Ah, there’s plenty of loss to go around. Now back to NaNo, and all the many joys therein… ¬_¬
And then Rachelloon… was a ZOMBIE!