WINGS: PART TWO
Laurel argues with her mother for the sake of the land in the most boring manner possible, and Laurel’s mother agrees to wait a week to shut her up. This means Laurel can go back to berating herself for daring to make the acquaintance of more than one boy!
Then even though we’ve proved beyond a doubt that Laurel is, in fact, a plant, Laurel wants to do some more experiments—this time ones that involve kissing David! She exhales into David’s mouth to prove she exhales oxygen rather than CO2, and she was right—killing David instantly.
Nah, that would be something actually happening, and we can’t have that—this is ‘Wings’!
… which should really be called ‘Petals’! Also, turns out that pure oxygen doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger, so someone lied to me about that one.
Also Laurel tastes like honey—as all plants do! Go outside and eat one right now, you’ll see!
Chelsea phones Laurel the next day to ask if she can have any more page-time in the book, and since the plot has failed to really take off, Laurel has nothing better to do than to say ‘yes’. They have a nice long gossip with no bearing on anything.
Later that day, Laurel’s dad is sick. Oh noes!
Well, since judging by the description Laurel’s dad is practically dying, Laurel goes off to his book store to take up his shift, along with his employee Maddie. Maddie is even dumber than Laurel’s mother, and believes in the healing power of candles over alternative medicine.
Surprisingly, candles and liquorice root didn’t cure Laurel’s dad, even when they gave him paracetamol too, and Laurel’s mother decides calling an ambulance might be a good idea after he began vomiting blood. But it does mean something actually happened, so there’s that.
Laurel’s mother goes with him to the hospital, but Laurel doesn’t follow because…
Anyway, she calls up David and he pops over like a good Generic Love Interest. Laurel reveals she’s taught herself how to be a master guitar-player, and they watch Singing in the Rain. Without any Clockwork Orange rape. Bummer.
Boringness ensues when Laurel’s dad fails to get better and David volunteers at the bookstore. I can really feel the emotion in this part, the emotion of… DULL SURPRISE.
… without the ‘surprise’ part.
Laurel’s dad fails to get any better despite being strung out on the same morphine Vee Sky was blessed with in Hush, Hush. The doctors have found an unknown toxin in his blood, so they filter it with one of those filtration machines—ha ha, no, they just pump him full of drugs.
Surprisingly enough this does nothing. Oh, wait, that’s not a surprise at all. What is surprising is that he starts showing heart failure before the ‘throw everything against the wall’ method shuts down his liver and kidneys.
So he now has a week to live. Dun dun dun!
Oh, and Laurel’s mum signs the house over to Mr. Burns—er, Barnes. Excellent. Laurel fights with her mother over this, but apparently since they’re in massive debt due to medical bills hippie-mum never thought they’d need to pay, they have no choice. Bummer.
David and Laurel decide to go Scooby-Doo on Barnes’ ass and pop over to his office to look for clues, showing detective skills surpassing even Nina and Vee! (although Laurel’s cans of Sprite would probably make better detectives than that pair).
They find the building his office is supposed to be in is abandoned (DULL SURPRISE!) and what’s worse—ugly people are nearby! Along with a… blob… of some sort.
(I don’t know!)
The dynamic duo are discovered by Barnes and he throws them against the wall. Yeah! Woo! Revolution!
No, not like that; I mean he actually throws them against the wall. I sense a villain monologue!
First Barnes uses his mind-control powers to get David to tell him their cunning plan of playing amateur detective because ‘something wasn’t right’, which upsets Laurel because how dare David reveal the plan! It was so cunning!
Laurel punches him in the face to prevent him from saying anything else and Barnes decides he was bored anyway, and he’s going to throw them in the river, yay! We miss out on a villain monologue (aww), but we are treated to some evil laughter. Mwahahahaha.
The two ugly goons talk about their ugly goon insecurities and desire to tear people limb from limb as they drive our heroes up to be thrown in the river, and David and Laurel say their tearful, banter-y goodbyes with all the emotion of tORgO from Manos, the Hands of Fate.
But fortunately they’re able to survive being thrown in the river due to breathing into each other’s mouths, so I guess that useless experiment was actually some clunky foreshadowing!
Unfortunately it turns out you do die from pure oxygen if you’re underwater, due to pressure inequality or something, so now David is dead. Who will Laurel choose? Her Fairy Love Interest or her Zombie Love Interest!?
Just kidding. David doesn’t die. He still may as well be replaced by a zombie though.
Three quarters through, woo hoo!
Laurel is worried that David might get hypothermia from being in the river, but tells him not to worry about her getting it, because she’s not warm blooded.
Then she convinces him not to go to the cops, because there’s no way the cops could possibly deal with two strong ugly guys!
So instead our heroes go off to see Tamani, who is immediately a dick about David for no reason. No reason other than mindless jealousy, I guess. Laurel falls into his arms in tears, and having told him that they were attacked by UGLY people, Tamani immediately knows who she means.
The next day he informs her that trolls are trying to kill her father, by posting mean-spirited comments on his YouTube account, taking away his will to live. Or with poison, that works too, I guess. It’s a good thing the fairies are so well organised!
Oh, and Tamani’s friend Shar is introduced. I don’t know what the point of him is, maybe he’s planning a counter-attack?
[No one will get that joke].
For now all he’s doing is having Kriptik Konversayshuns with Tamani though, who complains about ‘the Queen’. It turns out the land is a gateway to Avalon, a perfect place where gold and diamonds spring up out of the ground, attracting trolls who want riches in order to make it big in the human world, though they mean nothing to fairies.
… so why don’t the fairies just give the diamonds to the trolls, if they’re not using them? Racists!
Anyway, a zillion years ago King Arthur, Merlin, and Oberon forged Excalibur so that one day the plot of Wings could have a MacGuffin when it was most needed. Excalibur banished the trolls from faerie and Oberon created some gates near where Laurel’s house was… on the other side of the world from Camelot—??? –and the fairies can’t be bothered to figure out why the trolls want the land now when before they didn’t give a shit.
Shar then decides that’s enough exposition for one day, and they have some troll-killing to do.
Tamani immediately tries to be more of a dick to David than Reed was to Russell in Inescapable. Very attractive. Then seeing as no one’s given any exposition this chapter, Tamani decides to tell the kiddies about trolls, with some really great science.
Apparently trolls are ‘a glitch in evolution’, human cells are ‘irregular’ and therefore they lack symmetry… as opposed to those oh-so symmetrical plants?
Of course! Don’t you know anything about science!?
Also, ugly=stupid, and if you’re ugly and stupid, then evolution has ‘given up on you’, though the misshapen gene hasn’t been thwarted by natural selection because of… I don’t know, twin clones of Hitler.
More ‘unique’ science later, Tamani says he’s going off to kill some trolls, and Laurel says she wants to come too, but Tamani says no, and they argue for a few pages. Then this happens:
David: I want to come too.
Tamani: No, you can’t.
Tamani: Oh, alright then.
And it was that easy.
The gang go back to the trolls lair and BREAK THEIR FRIKKIN’ NECKS!
Shit, man! Shit just got fucking real!
Then Tam kills the blob… thing… and they go off to find Barnes, but Barnes has a few villain monologues he needs to get off his chest (or so I hope) and does his signature move of throwing Tam against a wall.
A smatter of clichéd villainous dialogue later and Barnes pulls a gun out and shoots Tamani. OH NOES!
Wait, I can’t stand Tamani. Yay!
Aww, Barnsy only shotted him in the leg.
Laurel screams uselessly, but then Barnes realises he’s left his brain in his other pants and puts the gun down on the desk, allowing Laurel to pick it up and threaten him with it. She doesn’t shoot him because she doesn’t have a brain anywhere, until he attacks and she gets him in the shoulder.
Barnes runs away like a champ, and David shows up so they can steal the paperwork for the house and follow suit. There’s some hot driving action as Tamani is taken to Shar for a going through magic gates montage.
A guy called Jamison is introduced… not exactly sure what the point of his character is, he seems to be in charge of the whole changeling operation though, in which case he’s really doing a bang-up job! He gives Laurel a magic potion and a jewel because I don’t think Excalibur is going to be used in this book, and they need her to bribe her parents into giving her the land.
While Laurel tries to puzzle out how days are different to hours, she and David skip off to the hospital, to give the magic potion to her dad. Laurel also has to explain to her dim mother how she’s a fairy and everything, and her mother reacts with…
Then Laurel uses more of the potion on David’s minor cuts, because that’s not a waste at all! But it does result in the kiss of twu wuv… or possibly the kiss of meh.
Laurel goes back to the old house and meets up with Tamani, who’s a-okay now that he’s been healed off-page. He asks Laurel to live with him, because this is like their fifth conversation, that’s practically marriage!
It turns out Laurel’s parents were given constant memory potions to not realise that Laurel was a fairy, which was a MUCH better plan than just buying the land off them themselves with all those fucking diamonds they had lying around. Laurel says she wants to stay in the human world and protect her human entourage, but Tamani says they were destined to be together by destiny because before Laurel became a sleeper agent they were friends and stuff.
So why didn’t he tell her that sooner?
Anyway, he goes on and on and on about how he watched her grow up and she sang a lot and she was really pretty and he wanted a pony and to live in a castle and eat ice cream and go to the zoo, whine, whine, whine.
Twu wuv’s first kiss ensues here too, whoop-dee-shit.
And, that’s all, folks!
I probably shouldn’t be typing up my final thoughts right now, there’s a large growth on my back and I should really go to the doctor’s, but our doctor has this thing where you can only phone for an appointment before eight-thirty in the morning, and I just don’t get up that early.
It’s especially worrying considering how irregular my cells are. That and the fact that I don’t have a pulse…
Dawn: You don’t have a pulse because you’re dead, you freak! You got hit by a meteorite in that ‘Halo‘ review and that’s what’s sticking out of your back right now!
*Looks in mirror*
Huh. What do you know—evolution has failed me again!