DIE FOR ME COMMENTARY
Kate and Georgia are fighting because Georgia got ditched at the restaurant. Maybe they should tell her what’s going on, then she’d understand why they had to get out of enemy territory that–hah, no, that would ruin the whole plot of the book, such as it is.
Anyway, Grandpa French Guy decides to show Kate some of his prized plot devices, including some little statues of naked guys called Numina, which Kate points out sounds kind of like ‘numa’. Her mentioning that word gets an EXTREMELY NATURAL REACTION from Gramps.
Which Kate immediately forgets all about. She then has another info-dumping date with Vince, in which nothing of significance is revealed. Their info-dump is interrupted when Charlotte calls to tell them her brother just died again, and at the scene of the ‘crime’, so to speak, Vince sends Charlotte home with Kate.
Charlotte explains that some little kids fell in the river, and her brother dived in to save them. He brought the first one to shore so Charlotte could give him CPR, but then he and the other one both got boat-propellered to death, because the guy running the boat was too dumb to turn it off, and the twins were too dumb to BOTH jump in to save the children.
This sorry sequence of events gives Kate dead parent flashbacks, wherein she tore strands of her hair out and braided them with the hair on her mother’s corpse.
Uh… is that like, a thing people do?
Meanwhile, Jean-Baptiste pays off the ambulance driver to get their guy’s body back. I’m guessing the driver probably thinks he’s a necrophiliac or something, and I just can’t believe Word 2007 doesn’t have the word ‘necrophiliac’ in its dictionary. Who doesn’t end up having to use that word every once in a while, amirite?
Kate decides an infodump is just the thing to cheer her up and asks Vince for some more boring backstory. He reveals what year he was born in and what year he died. It’s very important.
Dawn: Unimportant, your freakiness means.
Yes, unimportant. This leads to angsting over the pain of being a revenant, Vince apologising for his being a revenant causing Kate pain, and Kate flouncing in angst.
It occurs to Kate that if she keeps hanging around Vincent her life will turn out exactly the same way every other YA paranormal heroine’s life turns out, in twu wuv with a hundred year old dead guy. And she can’t stand to be with a guy who keeps dying all the time, due to dead parent angst.
Huh. I’d have thought the guy who can’t die properly would have been a perfect match for the girl who can’t stand that death exists…
Sometime later she runs into Charlotte, who’s been following her around like a creepy stalker, and her brother Charles, who really hates her because the writer is struggling to find some kind of conflict to keep the readers interested, even though these revenants supposedly had those internet-meme enemies hanging around stabbing them.
Charlotte still wants to be friends, but Kate says no, because obviously she doesn’t want to see her die all the time either—no, that’s not it at all, she just doesn’t want to risk running into Vince, apparently she doesn’t care if Charlotte dies.
But Charlotte starts crying and so Kate says they can hang out for a while; Charlotte tells Kate her backstory of being murdered by the Nazis during WW2 for helping out some Jews, and how nice it is to hang out with a girl for once since the revenants suffer from the Smurfette Principle and all.
Kate sees Vincent out with some crying blonde girl, and once again immediately assumes she’s his girlfriend because she’s dumb. Then she runs away like an idiot.
Georgia takes Kate out clubbing in an effort to curb her emo, along with a bunch of multi-national European guys. One of them is British, and therefore has a British accent. A ‘buttery’ accent. I’m not entirely sure which part of the nation speaks in butter, but I’m going to guess West Country since they’re all farmers, arr!
Then Kate meets Lucien, the owner of the bar they’re at, and Alex, who’s in a band. I’m sure none of them are secretly villains or anything. They flirt with her, but Kate is as bored as I am by this point and decides to go home.
And then, as she leaves, she sees Lucien talking to someone.
It was……………………………………………. Charles!
Dun dun dun!
Wait, why is that worthy of a cliffhanger?
Oh, it wasn’t. Nothing happens. Nothing at all.
The next day Kate runs into Jules again, but for some reason is happy about this, even though she didn’t want to hang around Vincent’s friends for fear of seeing Vincent.
They flirt, and Jules reveals the shock twist that the blonde girl Kate saw Vince with wasn’t his girlfriend either. Dun. Dun. Dun.
Granny gets a painting from a guy who happens to be Jean-Baptiste, who continues to be my favourite character with his monotone greeting to Kate.
Apparently Granny does painting restoration, and this painting of Jean-Baptiste from ye olde days was knifed up by Charlie-boy before he randomly disappeared. Jean wants to know where Kate saw him, and also ‘where she came from’, which Kate assumes means he’s… checking out her social status?
Why would anyone think that!?
Then he suddenly goes all nice and asks Kate to come back for Vincent’s sake. What?
Kate wonders what’s better: to be safe and suffer alone, or risk pain and actually live.
That’s an interesting question, or it would be if it had anything to do with the problem Kate is actually facing: the fact that she doesn’t like looking at dead people. Actually, no, it wouldn’t—if you’re already suffering alone then wouldn’t risking pain be a moot point?
Well, never mind. Vincent’s standing outside Kate’s house because he’s stalking her, and seems to be coping about as well with their separation as Bella coped in New Moon. What a pussy.
Anyway, he feels it’s about time he gave his backstory of his girlfriend being raped and murdered by the Nazis and him joining the French Resistance and dying. Jean picked him up right after—he already knew Vincent was a revenant because he can see people’s auras.
Oh, fuck! Jean is Ever from Evermore! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Meanwhile, blonde-girl from the restaurant was actually another revenant named Genevieve, and she’s married to a human who’s really old, which for some reason that means Vince and Kate can be together so he asks her to be with him again.
Kate says yes.
That’s it. I’m serious, this chapter is eight words long.
EIGHT WORDS LONG!
Well, that was dumb.
Our heroine goes over to Vincent’s for the night so he can give some exposition about Charles’ flouncing. It seems Charles decided that since that random little girl died, life is totes unfair, and Jean sucks for… looking after all the other revenants, and not letting them die ‘as nature intended’.
So, I guess Charles wants Jean to go around setting the other revenants on fire?
Anyway, he’s bummed off somewhere, probably to listen to Simple Plan, and now’s as good a time as any for our couple to have a womantic dance.
The next morning, Jeanne the maid tells Kate she really missed her, and I can see why, since they were so close and all. I mean, they met like a whole one time!
And then there’s a massive sword-training montage.
Kate finds a painting of Vincent’s dead girlfriend and he tells her that even though he killed loads of people to avenge her (including those who had nothing to do with her death) he was still never satisfied. This causes Kate to become jealous of a girl who’s been dead for 70 years. What a lovely pair they make!
Vincent pops over to meet Kate’s boring grandparents, and it’s lucky that ‘meals in France can last for hours’, because it gives Vince a chance to give them some boring fake exposition.
Sigh. This is why you French people keep losing wars—you spend so many hours eating that by the time you’re done your enemies have installed an entire new government in your capitol. You should take a leaf out of our British Book, and make your meals practically inedible so you can race through them and get back to invading other nations.
But then Georgia reveals that her boyfriend is Lucien Poitevin, and Vincent disapproves because I’m guessing he’s a numa? This disapproval causes Georgia to flounce like a moron, and Vince to speak like he’s from the nineteenth century.
Vince reveals that Lucien is indeed a numa, and the villain of this story (yes, apparently this book does have a story), and I mean literally. He literally says Lucien is ‘the bad guy of [his] story’. And when Kate informs him that she saw him talking with Charlie-boy shit gets real, because it means Charles is going to try and kill himself via them. I don’t know why he can’t just set himself on fire or something, maybe he’s not allowed to handle matches.
It turns out Lucien was a collaborator who worked for the Nazis and was practically Satan himself from the way Vince describes him, and Vince was part of the crack team who originally killed him and then were all killed by him in turn when he came back as a zombie, making them arch-enemies 4-evah. Mmm, that’s some good info-dumping, yum!
Kate then goes to see Georgia, who doesn’t believe her boyfriend who runs all sorts of bars and clubs could possibly be involved in illegal activities, because bars and clubs are where you find the epitome of lawful behaviour.
Sigh. You’re going to end up like Sandy from XVI, Georgia. Or at the very least, the dumb friend from Halo.
Kate finds out that Vince can communicate psychically with her when he’s in hibernate mode.
… and nothing happens.
We’re 4/5ths through. I guess I can’t say there’s no story, but it can barely be called a story so I’m still waiting for the real plot to start, but I have high hopes for this chapter, let’s see it through…
Okay, so, after Kate uses ‘respect’ in place of ‘cool’ non-ironically, the bad guys phone her up to stop her from ever doing it again, and also to kill Charlie-boy over the phone at her and get her to tell JB to come and get the body before they fry it up with a side of bacon.
After Kate intuitively knows that Charlotte is in love with Ambrose… somehow… (wait, who’s Ambrose again?) the gang figure out that Lucien must be in his extremely stupidly-named Club Judas, which used to be called ‘Hell’s Square’, because Lucien has all the subtlety of the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs.
Kate is told that since she’s useless she has to stay at home, where she watches Charlotte strip down to her underwear and suit up for battle.
Are we sure Kate isn’t secretly actually in love with Charlotte?
While the other characters go off to actually do stuff and take Vince’s astral projection with them, Kate sits in for the much more exciting task of listening to Jeanne give more exposition about Vincent, and how before he met Kate he was just an ‘avenging robot’.
I guess he was just waiting for the right Generic Protagonist to come along and heal his wounded soul through her generic-ness.
But then Georgia shows up as a hostage to Lucien; it seems that while he knew nothing of subtlety, he did have at least two brain cells to rub together, while the Vince crew was too stupid to figure out that leaving Georgia with Lucien was a massive security leak.
The one guy they’d left at the house emerges to do battle with Lucien.
Well, first he does banter with Lucien, and then he gets shot in the head. Lucien takes the opportunity to threaten to kill Georgia if Kate doesn’t take him to Vincent, when he could just kill them both and burn the house down, but Kate figures now’s the best time to try giving some exposition of her own to bring Georgia up to speed.
Meanwhile Lucien gives some generic evil monologues, and reveals that he knew all along that Vincent was in love with Kate and that’s why he went out with Georgia—I guess it was the best plan he could come up with.
But the best plan Vincent can come up with is the one he got from reading Hush, Hush, and he possesses Kate in order to fight Lucien. IMMORTAL COMBAT!
… which Vincent swiftly wins and then they set Lucien’s body on fire. Happy anti-climactic ending, everyone!
Vincent gives some exposition about the big battle, where we learn that the numa stupidly followed Lucien’s orders to not kill any of their enemy until he returned with Vincent’s head. What. An. Idiot.
JB then delivers some exposition of his own—that Kate should have gone insane because of the possession, but didn’t, because of… true love, or something.
JB tells Charlotte and Charles to get da fuk out and go to one of his other houses, and Boring Conversations ensue.
Jesus, why doesn’t this thing just end?
Ugh, Kate has a boring birthday party and a bazillion expensive presents, and ice cream, and a pony, and she gets to stay up late, and it’s the bestest birthday evah!
Oh my god, that was a tough one; definitely ‘so bad it’s really boring’, and it’s run a thousand words over my usual limit even though as usual nothing happened.
Well, there was about five percent of the book wherein stuff happened. But it wasn’t very interesting stuff, and besides—
Hang on, there’s a knock at my door.
G: Hey. It’s me, Georgia.
Georgia from the book?
… why are you black?
G: Because that’s how you created me.
What!? I didn’t write ‘Die For Me’! What the hell are you talking about!?
G: I’m not Georgia from ‘Die For Me’. I’m Georgia from ‘518′.
Oh, right, I did name a character Georgia in 518—but she’s been named since I wrote the prologue back in June 2013; that was months before I even bought ‘Die For Me’, it’s not like I took the name from that, so what are you doing here?
G: Oh really? But you’ve been writing a scene with my character while reading ‘Die For Me’, haven’t you? A chapter you only started a few days ago. Take a look at it, why don’t you?
Huh? Uh… let me see, 518… FLASHBACK 1… Main Character being smug… ” “You’re disgusting,” Georgia’s friend Kate had said, while monkey-boy continued giggling. “
Georgia’s friend Kate…
Georgia’s friend Kate…
G: It just seemed like the right name, didn’t it?
But… but…. it’s not like I was in any way influenced by ‘Die For Me’! No one could possibly ever think that!
G: Then why are you writing this stupid ending?
Touché, Georgia. Touché.
(see, I know French words too, Die For Me!)