CONTINUED FROM PART ONE: https://racheliliffe.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/angelfall-you-know-nothing-snow-white-part-i/
The next day the morning sun caresses Snow’s strands of mahogany and honey. Yay for purple prose!
After a few pages of describing the supply situation, Pen and Snow wander off and find some dead children hanging from trees, accompanied by a crying couple, the male half of whom she instantly knows was a loser in high school. Because he looks like one!
The couple argues about their son, who they’ve apparently been feeding children too, and Pen and Snow wander off again. I’m sure this will have a point later on, but right now I’m drumming my fingers against my desk.
Pen asks Snow if the couple were feeding the ‘low demons’—when they’d said outright it was their son. Maybe he’s a low demon? Snow, of course, knows nothing.
Then Pen asks him if he’s married. Seriously.
He isn’t, due to his Night’s Watch vows, and the fact that the love between humans and angels create monstrosities; like Hush, Hush, and A Beautiful Dark.
Anyway, after hiding from Obi-Wan and some angels, neither of whom notice them or each other, Pen and Snow resume their travels.
Our heroes make it to San Francisco thanks to a conveniently abandoned car (how long has this apocalypse been going on again?) and are close to Angel HQ (the ‘aerie’). Pen is upset by the destruction of the city, asking Snow ‘how could you do this’?
Does she really expect an answer at this point?
Anyway, they stop so Pen can change into a skimpy dress and Pen mentions that the apocalypse has now been going on for a couple of months.
A couple of months!?
‘Luckily, every girl knows how to change in public’.
Uh, we do, do we?
Anyway, Snow glues his wings back on (not really, but it makes as much sense) as a Cunning Disguise and they continue into the aerie.
Pen and Snow arrive at ‘the checkpoint’ to get into the city. Who’s running this checkpoint? Angel pimps. Well, I suppose there have been worse administrations in California.
The pimps have also hired Crazy Mum, not as a prostitute, but as a guard, who cattle-prods people through the fence along the checkpoint. I guess their diversity policy had a clause concerning the mentally ill.
So they reach the gate where the angels are deciding who’s fly enough to enter the city (lol—fly, geddit?) and when Pen asks why so many people have gathered around this spot Snow tells her it’s because people always gather places. In other words, he doesn’t know.
Well, these angels were obviously inspired by ‘The Wicked Woods’ (now there’s something I never thought I’d say) because they all wear old-timey clothes and stand around doing jack shit. Thus, Snow leads Pen into the aerie…
At the aerie there are female angels, because it always makes sense that female angels exist.
Also there are angels with swords, and to avoid attracting their attention, Snow gives Pen twu wuv’s first kiss. Hooray. Pen spends the rest of the chapter obsessing over it.
After much faffing about, Snow tells Pen to get the attention of the whitest angel ever and make him follow her to the men’s room. Pen is shocked, and I wonder why Snow didn’t try to plan anything out with her before now. Just thought they’d show up and the rest would sort itself out, I guess.
On her way to Whitey, Pen sees a guy she describes as a ‘politician’ because he makes nice with everyone, but he and the women attending him are clearly dead on the inside. The Big Bad? I suppose we’ll wait and see.
Then one of the twins shows up and offers her a drink. I guess they were less useless than I thought, if they too were able to infiltrate the angel’s clubhouse. Wonder how skimpy the dresses they had to wear were?
On getting closer to Whitey, Pen tells us that unlike all the other male models that comprise the angels in the room, this new character is Not Hot. Why? Because he has red eyes, a far more off-putting affliction than all the disabilities suffered by the kids Paige used to hang out with and organise parties for—wait, wasn’t she seven years old?
Pen knows instinctively that Whitey needs the magic of friendship to bring him out of his shell. She tries the oops-I-spilled-my-drink-on-you-totes-an-accident ploy, and it’s Super-Effective. She leads him into the men’s room to talk to Snow, whereupon it is revealed his name is Josiah, and Snow rescued him from being a slave.
Wait, angels have angel-slaves? What?
Anyway, Snow really is Raphael, big surprise (though Pen’s proverbial penny has yet to drop on that matter); and the pimp-parties have been organised by Uriel as bribes for electing him to Gabriel’s former position. None of the angels know what’s happening, Uriel might be in league with hell, the only person who can arrange for Snow’s wings to be sewn back on is someone called ‘Laylah’ and Josiah knows nothing about all the kidnappings, because no one knows anything in this book.
Snow and Pen take the elevator up to a room where the curtains have been left open by maids, which totes must be a political statement and not because they were lazy.
Pen showers, they argue, she eats, she ogles Snow… ah, Josiah comes back with… a Nazi woman? And Pen feels embarrassed that she’s eating and stuff? Well, she’s Laylah, and she’s here to talk about whether or not she should sew Snow’s wings back on until Twin1 brings them room service.
Then Pen and Laylah bitch at each other and Snow agrees to an unknown favour to get re-winged.
Welcome to the three-quarter mark, boys and girls!
Today we find out that Snow doesn’t believe in God, which makes perfect sense because—oh wait, no it doesn’t. Sorry, author, but just as Meyer could only take so many liberties with vampires, there are only so many liberties to be taken with angels too.
Pen torments a woman who’s come to bring more room service, and orders yet more until Twin1 shows up again. He decides to take her to where there might be some children, but has to be quick because La Resistance is about to assault the Death Star. Pen takes [steals] Snow’s magic sword along, which comes in handy when they’re randomly attacked by some guys…
… but then Crazy Mum shows up!
The random guys don’t want to get on Crazy’s bad side, so they get da fuk out and Crazy Mum joins their party. Twin1 leads them to where there might be some kids and then he gets da fuk out too, but after a few pages wandering around all they find are some deformed freaks of nature in giant tubes.
I was wondering when something like that would show up…
These freaks have dragonfly wings, which we all know from Inescapable means they’re fallen angels who want to steal souls. Or not. For some reason they also have scorpion tails.
Inside one of the tubes, one of the freaks is draining a woman of all her precious bodily fluids, because I guess vampire angels had to show up sometime. Soon Pen sees more of the same in other tubes.
Pen suddenly Takes a Level in Heroism and decides she can’t leave these people to their fate, then climbs a ladder to try to get to the top of the tank. What she finds instead is…
… a wall of dead children!
And it’s not even Christmas.
Then Paige comes crawling out of the dead bodies looking all Frankenstein-ish.
The sisters are immediately found by a Mad Scientist angel. Mortal Combat ensues!
Unfortunately, Mad Scientist angel is not as easily defeated as our buddy Boden, and strangles our Penny.
Pen is saved by Paige, who has apparently been turned into a super-strong flesh-eating demon by Mad Science experiments. She takes a few chunks out of the angel, and—
Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!
Mad-science by supernatural beings turning humans into cannibal-demons is what happens in one of MY novels!
NOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO THINK I WAS COPYING ANGELFALL!
Oh well, never mind.
Pen freaks out wondering whether or not she’ll still be able to feed Paige non-human meat. Don’t worry, Pen—I hear there’s a doctor in Baltimore who specialises in these kinds of cases. I doubt the apocalypse has finished him off. /Red Dragon.
Anyway, she finishes off the angel only for two more, including Laylah, to run in, but before that can have an effect on the plot, La Resistance begins their attack.
Hang on a minute, what happened to Crazy Mum?!
Well, some bombs are going off overhead, but Pen can’t leave without smashing up the tanks to try and free the tank-monsters’ lunches. Mum pops back up again and give’s Paige a big hug.
The trio make their escape, but then Snow White comes hurtling down the hallway, thrown by an angel whose had Snow’s wings sewn onto his back, so I guess we know how well the surgery turned out.
Shit, now I’ll have to call this angel Snow instead, and that means I might actually have to start referring to our Snow by his actual name!
Nah, screw that.
On Snow they’ve sewn a pair of bat wings, making him Batman, and the new Fake!Snow is the same guy who cut his wings off at the start. Snow asks Fake!Snow (called Belial, thus ‘Belle’ henceforth, for the Disney theme) why he didn’t just kill him. Belle’s answer?
He doesn’t know shit either, does he?
Pen gives Snow back his sword, but it doesn’t work for him anymore and Belle (who is apparently from Hell? What?) attacks him. But Pen comes to the rescue, now possessed with magic sword powers, Mortal Combat ensues, something grabs Pen’s ankle—
It was………………………………………………………………. A SCORPION FREAK!
It stings her in the neck, and Scorpion poison is Super Effective against YA dystopia heroines, but not against the Love Interests, so Snow picks it up and throws it away.
Sadly, Pen is now Dying in His Arms Tonight—it must have been something he said, and Snow is sad, because… they were in love or something. Hey, they knew each other almost a week! It counts!
Belle was apparently Not Dead Yet, and rises again to kill Snow White, but is stopped when the Politician-type angel randomly appears to tell him not to, because it would turn him into a martyr for all his men.
His name? Ariel.
Well, okay, it’s Uriel—but they’re one letter’s difference and I have a theme going here!
Belle points out that Snow’s men don’t really care all that much about him anymore, but Ariel says they have to wait until everyone knows he’s Batman, or else. Pen becomes completely paralysed, Snow thinks she’s dead and does a Darth Vader ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’. Belle does some epic taunting and then he and Ariel leave… kind of awkwardly.
Snow beats up their surroundings in grief, and then carries Pen off.
Outside the fighting is underway, La Resistance versus the angels who aren’t anything like angels. Snow White is able to make people Run Away with his Batman wings though, getting them as far as Obi-Wan’s people, who he leaves Pen with before flying away, never to be seen again. (for another chapter)
Obi-Wan wants to leave without Pen’s body, but Paige has super-strength now, so she lifts it into the truck herself, and they ride away just before the aerie explodes.
As they’re on their way Pen is happy to see Snow White, flying around again. The soldiers shoot at him… and miss.
What a pointless chapter.
Pen’s paralysis wears off. What another pointless chapter.
Oh, also it’s The End.
Dawn: No, freak! Don’t do it! You’ll never recover your reputation!
Uh, it’s just a rating system on a website, Dawn.
Anyway, Angelfall. It was… not bad.
Hmm. Now my world view has been thrown completely out of balance. It’s almost like an apocalypse.
*Explosions occur outside mediocre reviewer’s window*
Huh, what do you know. Looks like angels are coming to destroy the world, Dawn—who’d a thunk it?
Dawn: Oh, those aren’t angels, freak.
Dawn: Nope, this is the Disney Princess apocalypse. Abandon all hope, losers!
OH SHIT! EVERYBODY PANIC!
Okay, wait, it might be all right if I can just stay in my room and they won’t find me…
*Knocks occur on reviewer’s door*
Cinderella: Open up! This is the Disney Princess Gestapo, here to sell you into medical experiments!
NOOOOOOOOOO! How did they find us!?
Dawn: Simple. I sold you out, freak.
Dawn: You didn’t really think there’d be no consequences for giving a YA paranormal romance book more than one star, did you?
But… but we’ve been through so much together! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!
Dawn: Yeah, but didn’t you notice something strange? My name being Dawn and all. You know, ‘dawn’? Also known as ‘aurora’? As in PRINCESS AURORA!
Dawn: Dun, dun, dun, motherfuckers!
*Reviewer is dragged off screaming, never to be seen again—readers cheer loudly*