Teardrop: The Magdalenian Conspiracy (Part II)

In the last post ( https://racheliliffe.wordpress.com/2015/12/08/teardrop-the-magdalenian-conspiracy-part-i/ ) I missed the perfect opportunity to make a reference to that periodic table-blaspheming YA dystopian novel, ‘Delirium‘–what with the heroine of that book’s name being ‘Magdalena’.

And now, the thrilling conclusion…

Chapter Sixteen

Our hero goes on a school trip to the local Science Museum with her friend Luke. Who’s Luke, you might ask? I have no idea. I’m almost certain he’s never been mentioned before, and I’m pretty sure he’s not at all important.

They’re looking at a bunch of crap that’s been dug up from a shipwreck that’s four thousand years old. The crap, I mean—presumably not the ship. Some guy heckles the tour guide as if he’s making some deep political statement by interrupting a lecture, and oh. What a surprise, it’s Ander. He’s such a rebel; he makes my heart throb. For realz.

No, wait—I’m just having another heart attack. Damn you, Disney Princess-mandated medical experiments!

Chapter Seventeen

Ander’s explanation of what the fuck is going on is delayed by pages of description of their surroundings, of course. Then:

“She did this.”

“Who?”

“No one.”

Great conversation! They meander off into the wilderness so Ander can, eventually, tell her that she’s in danger from Brooks. Because the wave that mildly injured him in Chapter 10 was magical and has turned him into… uh…

Anyway it’s the halfway mark. Yay!

Chapter Eighteen

Well, that explained everything, thanks Ander!

Somehow though, Eureka is less than impressed with the ‘explanation’ and reports Ander being a stalker to the police. No, wait—Cat has to practically force her to do it; not because she’s afraid for her, of course, but because she’s crushing on a guy who works at the station.

And he says Ander sounds like a swell guy and he hopes they don’t catch him. So they’re all idiots.

On Eureka’s way home she gets attacked by glowy-eyed people and saved by Ander. They shout cryptic bullshit at each other, and then we transition without warning into the next section of Madame Fraud’s translation.

In this section, Princess Author was almost forced to marry Prince Jock but randomly fell in love with Prince Mysterious for no reason. That’s about it.

Chapter Nineteen

The next day at school Eureka seems to not care at all about the attack of the glowy-eyed people and instead has a long boring conversation with Brooks in which he is creepy.

Chapter Twenty

It’s High School Party Time! Yay! Bring out the drugs!

Or in this case bring out the pointless padding, I guess—same thing really.

Also, Brooks is creepy again.

Chapter Twenty-One

Eureka has a dream flashing back to the accident in which Ander saved her, but is woken up by Madame Fraud’s stupid bird. Apparently, he’s a magic bird that leads her to a secret meeting with Her Kookiness, so she can say that she’s made a world-changing discovery in the book and it’s too dangerous to send translations via e-mail anymore.

It seems Generic Princess and Prince Dumbass had an obstacle to their twu wuv besides Prince Jock—Delphine, a character cursed with being much more interesting than anyone else in the book by way of her magic powers. She’s obsessed with the Prince although he’s in love with the Princess thanks to having seen her one time when he and Delphine were making out.

Delphine puts a curse on them that will destroy the world if Princess Author ever cries. As you do.

Or it will destroy Atlantis at least, because that’s where this book is from, and Madame Fraud says she’s too scared of what will happen to keep up her dumb translation—probably because she’s run out of shit to make up.

But Eureka says she wants more bullshit, so Madame Fraud tells her to go boating with Brooks next week—because that will turn out so well, I’m sure.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Ander shows up to be mysterious while Eureka’s on a run. He tells her to try getting the thunderstone wet, which kind of sounds like a euphemism to me…

Chapter Twenty-Three

Evil Stepmother is pointlessly petty and ridiculous at dinner that night, and Eureka hears ‘Hold on‘ in ‘the code of the rain‘.

Whatever that means.

After endless padding, she decides to test the ‘thunderstone can’t get wet’ hypothesis and finds that, not only can it not get wet, it also gives its holder magic water repelling powers.

Yay?

Chapter Twenty-Four

Madame Fraud’s bird shows up again.

“What’s that, birdie? Madame Fraud’s stuck down a well?!”

No, she’s not stuck down a well, but her lair has been ransacked and she’s MIA—likely arrested by the police after years of swindling unsuspecting YA heroines.

Well, she was MIA until Eureka found her bloodied corpse in the next room, at least. There was so much padding I suppose I just assumed she must have searched the whole house in that time. Eureka fails to call the police, of course, because…

Because she has too much internal monologue-ing to do!

Chapter Twenty-Five

For some reason Eureka is determined not to get involved with the police, so when they somehow fail to investigate a crime they know nothing about, Eureka fills in an anonymous report; and is then shocked when the police connect her to Madame Fraud.

Still, the police apparently decide investigating a murder isn’t that important, so Eureka doesn’t talk to them just yet. Instead she follows Madame Fraud’s advice to spend the day sailing with Brooks, and seeing as anyone with half a brain would realise that he’s become dangerous, she brings her younger half-siblings with her.

What a great sister!

Brooks has cleverly decided to name his boat ‘Ariel’ after that of the poet Shelley, seeing as he’d had such a great time on it, (in 1822 it sank in a storm and he drowned). Sure enough, there’s a storm and the twins are swept overboard, so Brooks and Eureka dive in to save them.

With the Power of the Thunderstone, Eureka finds the brats, but Brooks disappears, leaving only the words ‘BROOKS WAS HERE’ carved onto the Ariel.

No, not really, that was just a Shawshank joke I’d been waiting all book to make. Anyway, the survivors manage to swim to an island, and I think we can pretty much declare Madame Fraud a fraud. The clue was in the name.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Dad comes to pick up the kids and drive them back home, where Evil Stepmother is surprisingly not evil and Eureka wangsts until she decides to talk to Ander.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Fortunately Ander has decided to come to her—by sneaking in through the window without warning like a rapist. He also has the Macguffin Book, which I guess puts him at the top of the list of suspects for Madame Fraud’s murder—oh wait, Eureka doesn’t even consider it.

Anywho, the book speaks of a bullshit ‘chosen one’ prophecy that—wait for it, wait for it—happens to describe Eureka exactly. What a twist!

Also if she cries she’ll open up a fissure in reality or something. Who knew?

So this causes her and Ander to have twu wuv’s first kiss, which in turn causes Eureka to remember that he was the one who saved her from the opening-kill prologue. He also says more cryptic bullshit about Brooks that’s immediately forgotten as soon as he says he can open Plot Device #3, the necklace.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

As if we were reading the novelisation of ‘Young Frankenstein’, thunder claps in the distance as soon as Ander makes his announcement. Pathetic Fallacy FTW!

So there’s a bit of paper in the locket that says ‘Marais’, and Ander doesn’t know shit about it. He does confirm that the guys who attacked them a few chapters ago were the ones to do away with Madame Fraud; and that explanation is good enough for Eureka, so they go back to wuvvy duvvy-ness. Aww.

Unfortunately the wuvvy duvvy-ness is interrupted when Eureka feels the gills along Ander’s neck. Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

Eureka isn’t alarmed by this until he tells her that Brooks now has gills too—because that’s just weird. Ander explains how he’s descended from Atlanteans, and was raised by his aunts and uncles, one of the latter of whom supposedly murdered Madame Fraud. They descend from the Prince in the book, and Eureka’s descended from the Princess; who apparently got shipwrecked and never stopped looking for each other—although evidently they did stop to pork some other people during the search.

I’m now convinced Ander is the murderer, because we all know Madame Fraud made that shit up. He must have tortured it out of her before he struck the final blow!

Oh, and Brooks has been possessed by an Atlantean. Not a ‘Seedbearer’ like Ander; one who was still living in Atlantis when it sunk. Or something. The only way to save Eureka is to go to Turkey to meet the guy who was proto-Ander the last time this book happened and proto-Eureka (Dead-Mum’s great-aunt Byblis) was killed by plot-device.

Possibly after starting World War II. Somehow.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

After affirming their wuv the next morning, Ander and Eureka discuss Brooks again. Ander says ‘fuck him’, basically, (in the ‘then let him die!’ sense. Not the… other sense), since he’s been possessed by the King of Atlantis, but Eureka wants to save her bff. The argument lasts all of one page, before Ander convinces her to leave him to his horrible fate by saying—

‘Scary stuff is totes happening and I have no time to explain it!’

Even though he had all night to explain it. What a wanker.

They go downstairs to see Eureka’s dad, who at first is going to call the police on Ander, then immediately accepts him for no reason. Then Cat drops by to say her family is evacuating because of the massive storm that’s conveniently arrived.

While our heroes drink coffee, Dad takes Eureka into another room to say that Dead Mum used to spout crazy gibberish about seeing ‘the boy who would break Eureka’s heart’ hanging around. I guess that means Dead Mum knew Ander was stalking her daughter all her life… somehow. Is he supposed to be ageless? Or did his family just reject child labour laws?.

Anyway, one time Dead Mum drew a picture of the stalker and it looked like Ander (Dad knows because he… kept the picture in his closet for all these years. Uh………..) . It’s a good thing Mum never told Eureka jack shit about any of this, or this book wouldn’t have had a lick of suspense!

Oh wait, it was so predictable it already didn’t.

Also, Seedbearers kidnap the twins. Oh noes!

Chapter Thirty

Well, the bad guys apparently had the twins in their grasp for so long that they were able to chain them up in a complicated trap outside, and their Parents of the Year didn’t notice.

Ander tells Eureka that it’s way more important that she survives than anyone else because… uh, she’s the main character, and therefore she should let the twins and anyone else die to save her own life.

What a guy!

He then reveals that the Seedbearers actually have names, and supposedly characters to go along with them—since the author forgot to give them any development until now, I guess.

They exchange clichéd dialogue at each other until their leader, Albion, decides to engage in some child abuse in case we forgot he was the villain, and punches the twins. Evil Stepmother runs to save them and is immediately blown up and killed. Aww, she was my favourite character!

Ander then pulls out a  deus ex machina gun with magic Seedbearer-killing bullets that will kill all the Seedbearers if even one of them dies.

Where the fuck did that come from!?

Chapter Thirty-One

Eureka manages to get hold of the gun, but the Seedbearers are confident she won’t kill them because of her love for Ander, which is really powerful for… some reason. Seriously their love has no development. At all. They’re just in love ’cause destiny or something.

Instead Eureka uses her Princess Peach crying powers to flood the world, or possibly just her back yard. All the good guys take refuge in her stone-powered anti-water bubble, the entire bayou is practically underwater, and pointless conversation ensues, rounded off with Ander telling Eureka she must face Brooks in a Final Battle.

So… how many people did Eureka just sentence to a watery grave? I’ve got to admit, I can kind of see where the Seedbearers were coming from with the ‘kill Eureka’ plan…

Epilogue

Brooks falls about the place wangsting over being possessed and over how much he loves Eureka and she’s just the most special thing to ever exist in the whole world ever.

Bleugh.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

 

Well, since the Seedbearers failed to save the world by killing Eureka, I guess I’d better do it myself.

Dawn: No need, freak! As you already guessed while reading the book, Eu-freak-a is in fact Princess Peach; a heretic and traitor to the Disney Princess holocaust! Me and Elsa are going to take care of her later this afternoon.

Hmm, many a true word spoken in jest. Wait a minute, Princess Peach isn’t a Disney princess; she belongs to Nintendo or something, doesn’t she?

Dawn: Oh, we liberated all the major princess-supported franchises during our coup d’état. Which reminds me—you’re going back to the lab for another session with Mad-Scientist Princess Barbie!

NOOOOOO! Why do you do this to me, Dawn!? Haven’t I suffered enough for giving ‘Angelfall‘ two stars!? Must I be tormented forever more!?

Dawn: Not my call, freak—these are the orders of Princess Isabella.

Isabella? Who’s Princess Isabella?

Dawn: From your stupid book about elves and monsters, that’s who. Blame yourself for creating her to be such a bitch!

… I suppose I did bring that one on myself. Until next time, dear readers!

Dawn: Whatever. I’m off to meet with Madame Blavatsky—she’s got this great opportunity for funding the Disney Princess holocaust with the help of a Nigerian prince…

 

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Teardrop: The Magdalenian Conspiracy (Part I)

In my last review my fictional self was placed into medical experiments by Disney Princesses for giving a book more than one star on Goodreads, thanks to the (sudden and yet inevitable) treachery of my imaginary cohort Dawn Talbot. Fortunately for me, the wonder that is ‘Teardrop‘ is, shall we say, unlikely to entrap me into making the same mistake twice.

The blurb doesn’t make it clear exactly, but I’m betting mermaids, which would be new. Well, new for me. Mermaids or angels, because they follow me around everywhere and I’ll never escape! Never!

The condensed review on Goodreads is here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1064662197

*~*~*

Prologue

The subtitle tells us we are in ‘prehistory’, which must be why three sentence fragments later we’re in a prehistoric car heading to an airport.

A boy, ‘Ander’, part of a group called ‘Seedbearers’ (if you know what I mean, *wink, wink*) is waiting for some terrible disaster that he apparently knows is going to happen. They must have told him he was going to be in a YA paranormal romance novel…

The disaster is going to happen to a car containing his one twu wuv and her archaeologist mother; and needs to happen or the world will be destroyed. Of course. Ander and his buddies are going to use the power of ‘Zephyr’ (the west wind?) to craft a wave to…

Do something boring enough for the explanation to be interrupted by Ander’s reminiscing on how he’d been ordered to stalk this random girl and learn all the mindless minutiae of her life that no one cares about. Also, the wave is going to kill her and her mother, because they’re dangerous, and they know how to fix cars!

Ander’s aunt Chora is also mentioned—the closest thing to a mother Ander has, he loves but does not like her, and it’s important we get all this down here since there’s no other opportunity for it, seeing as she pretty much doesn’t appear in the novel.

Much more is revealed, through this wave (geddit? 😉 of exposition; for such horrors as ‘suspense’ and ‘mystery’ are not right for the glory that is Teardrop.  And even better than that—poorly structured exposition that reveals so much I’m not even going to type it all down here; that way at least this commentary will have some suspense!

Anyway the wave hits the car and Ander loses his nerve and saves the girl. What a guy. He’s my hero.

Chapter One

Our heroine with the stupid name of Eureka is off to great start in YA life, her mother murdered by a stalker twu wuv who also tried to kill her. Turns out she’d already seen a million therapists for the horrific trauma of her dad remarrying, and now that something’s happened that actually requires therapy, she has decided to become a Stoic.

Yep, I’m sure that’ll work out.

She had also decided to commit suicide, which doesn’t seem very stoic.

Anyway, exposition about Eureka’s life that I’m pretty sure will have no bearing on the plot follows, including the time her track Coach didn’t believe she wanted to give up track after her suicide attempt—giving us this gem.

‘Coach’s sad smile suggested that after a suicide attempt, a girl’s decisions weighed less, like bodies on the moon.’

I think that one’s almost as good as ‘sacrifice to gravity’.

Then there’s more exposition about Eureka’s character, so we don’t actually have to be shown her having a personality later, and also her hair, which is hair. She flashes back to waking up with her dad and half-siblings who ‘smelled liked they always did, of ivory soap and starry nights’.

*head-desk*

Anyway, the therapy session drones on as easy exposition for Eureka’s life. Ah, exposition. How Patch and I missed thee.

Chapter Two

Wangst, wangst, wangst, wangst… wangst, wangst, wangst, wangst.

Shit, I could spork every line of this prose bit by bit, but we’d be here all year. Eureka drives away until she gets into a car accident with Ander. And we have insta-hate! Ladies and gentlemen, take your bets on how long it takes before the insta-hate turns to love!

(Me, I’m going to be out £20 if it takes less than three or more than five conversations).

Unfortunately, neither her stepmother nor her father are picking up their phone, so she starts crying. Ander wipes her tears away like a creeper. Aww.

Chapter Three

Eureka flashes back to a long time ago when her parents were arguing during a hurricane and her mother started smashing her dad’s stuff up and slapped her, telling her to Never Cry Again. What a terrible loss to the world dear Mummy must have been!

(I’m betting the tears have some kind of magic world-destroying power, but we’ll see how it goes)

Chapter Four

The sky goes dark, ‘maybe some kind of eclipse’, suggests Ander. Because those random eclipses happen all the time, don’t ya know? Anyway, magic tear powers; called it.

After a long passage about Eureka’s name, the local pervert rides up to see what’s happening, followed by a guy called Big Jean, who tows the car. Eureka decides to get a ride with Ander, rather than Local Pervert. I’m honestly not sure which would have been the dumber option.

They ride along, Ander brakes to avoid hitting a squirrel and acts like a weirdo, but they reach their destination intact until Ander reveals he’s on a rival track team! It’s Romeo and Juliet all over again!

Chapter Five

We meet Cat, Eureka’s Black Best Friend with Curves in All the Right Places. (okay, it says ‘curves in places Eureka didn’t [have them]’ but still). She’s a sassy matchmaker character, so… black Vee Sky then? They have a Boring Conversation until a girl called Maya Cayce shows up; a girl who hates Eureka—a Dawn character? Ooh, I shouldn’t get my hopes up!

She’s in love with Eureka’s guy-friend Brooks, and used to be friends with Eureka when they were small. I’m sure she’ll have a huge effect on the plot.

Then a random storm starts up, helping Eureka get out of having a photograph taken of her. Yay?

And she sees Ander across the field, notes that he’s apparently impervious to water, and then he reaches out to catch her… tear…

Wait, what?

Chapter Six

Eureka goes home to exposit useless shit about her dad and siblings until her buddy Brooks drops by to borrow a cup of exposition about his character. In summation, he’s an absurdly perfect friend, and has hypoglycaemia.

Then there’s a knock at the door.

It was………………………………………………….

Chapter Seven

Ander!

She asks him how he knows where she lives, and he replies by… insta-hating Brooks? He’s going to be one of those awful clingy jealous types, isn’t he.

Ugh. Teardrop, I was willing to accept him stalking Eureka, crashing his car into her and being part of the conspiracy to kill her and her mother, but now you’re starting to make him distasteful!

Anyway, he’s come to return her wallet (which I’m guessing he probably stole), but not before he starts screaming insanely at Brooks, asking ‘how long have you been with her’? Shouldn’t he already know about Brooks’ existence? What kind of a stalker is he?!

Eureka meanwhile angsts that he might have seen her embarrassing student ID photos, delves off into an inner-monologue about a neighbour, and then berates Brooks for not being nicer to Ander.

Yes, really.

After that Eureka’s evil stepmother comes home to make sure Eureka didn’t ’embarrass’ her at the therapist’s office.

Yes, really.

Chapter Eight

In this chapter we read Dead Mum’s will, in which it was specified that flashbacks to her and her own mother’s funeral would contain at least two pages of exposition. Also Eureka’s aunt is there, whom Eureka describes as a ‘cruel parody’ of her mother, because she commits the ultimate sin of being Not Hot, and wearing low-cut tops! The monster!

Also there’s an uncle. Soon the lawyer starts bequeathing stuff; Dead Mum leaves all the money in her account to the uncle (I’m assuming there’s a trust for Eureka, otherwise wtf?) and a mysterious letter. To Aunt Ho, she leaves some jewellery, the car that’s now under the ocean, and a mysterious letter.

Eureka gets a bag of Macguffins; a Very Important necklace, (maybe it means she has a soul mate?), a Very Important book (that ‘didn’t even register on the scale’ of carbon dating, so I suppose it’s billions of years old) and a ‘thunderstone’ (so she can turn her Eevee into a Voltreon, no doubt). Also a mysterious letter.

Which isn’t that mysterious really, just useless and sappy.

Chapter Nine

25% done already, what a breath of fresh air!

Well, the only way to respond to such a touching letter is with flashbacks, exposition and boring conversations. Eureka then notices a postscript to the letter with a mysterious instruction to not open the thunderstone until Christmas. Or ‘the right time’, at any rate.

Uncle character tells Eureka that the ancient language the book is written in is not indecipherable, as he saw Dead Mum taking notes on it one time. Cat suggests they go to her convenient polyglot boyfriend for more help, but first they try to find Ander, only to be told that, like all Paranormal Love Interests, he doesn’t really exist.

This probably could have taken about five pages, if not for Cat’s constant annoying blabber about nothing.

Chapter Ten

Eureka, Brooks and the twins go to the beach, where Eureka observes how Ander is probably a crazed sociopath, but for some reason she’s falling in love with him anyway. Guess those two meetings they’ve had, one in which he crashed into her car, the other in which he acted like a psycho, really turned her on.

Then another tidal wave strikes the beach and Brooks is mildly injured. Oh noes!

(I’m betting Ander was behind it somehow)

Chapter Eleven

Eureka has a boring conversation with Brooks, interspersed as so many things are in this book with excruciating details about her room, Brooks, her feelings, her stepmother’s favourite meteorologist, everything I’ve come to expect from Teardrop really.

They take a look at Plot Device #2, which has some illustrations that look vaguely like Brooks, and he acts strangely enough that it becomes immediately obvious he’s connected to the whole… whatever is going on. Oh my. I am so shocked.

Then somehow they have twu wuv’s kiss? And Eureka has now always liked him in that way even though she’d made a point of saying she didn’t before?

And then suddenly they start arguing and Brooks gives her a Reason You Suck speech; and there are a lot of reasons, sure, but not the ones he gives—such as the not taking the Macguffins seriously enough!

Then he flounces.

Good riddance.

Chapter Twelve

In this chapter, Eureka fails to understand metaphor and analogy, saying she doesn’t need to find her way out of a foxhole because foxes can live in foxholes, and they do alright for themselves!

She calls Cat up so Cat can remind her about her Plot Device boyfriend Rodney. They go to see him, during which time Eureka spends more time flashback-ing, describing the furniture and wangsting than she does listening to Rodney.

Though that probably isn’t too bad—after failing to recognise the writing the book is written in, he tells them about an expert in dead languages he knows.

Instead of, you know—a cryptographer. I mean, I somehow doubt this book is the Voynich Manuscript or anything. And if you don’t know what that is, look it up, because it’s much more interesting than Teardrop.

Chapter Thirteen

The master of linguistics in question calls herself ‘Madame Blavatsky’—either she’s a kooky pseudo-academic fortune-teller, or this book is about to get very interesting!

(Spoilers: This book does not get interesting.)

Madame B fawns over her pet exotic birds, smokes, and says things like ‘There is no death, no life either. Only congregation and dispersal’. She then takes out her crazy-wise-old-person-character checklist to make sure she hasn’t missed anything.

Anyway, because she’s psychic, she’s able to immediately know exposition about the Plot Device; like how it wasn’t bought at a flea market and had actually been in Eureka’s family forever. You know, I think we may have just found out the eventual fate of Ever from Evermore

Old Ever proclaims the language to be a cousin of ‘Magdalenian’, the people of ancient southern Europe who a minute’s search on Wikipedia reveals did not have a written language, nor even any language we can reliably reconstruct. Now, Wikipedia isn’t exactly the world’s bastion of accuracy, but in this case and combined with my own learnings, I think we can safely call bull-shite.

So Madame Fraud charges them $7.50 a page for her ‘translation’ of what we now ‘know’ is called ‘The Book of Love’ (issued by the Ministry of Love?). Incidentally, she also tells Eureka that Ander’s been stalking her for ages. I guess Eureka can trust her on that one—not because she’s psychic, but because she’s a character in YA paranormal romance, and by this time they probably just accept that that kind of thing is happening.

Then with no kind of lead in we are suddenly treated to Madame Fraud’s translation of the first bit of the book, written by a woman almost as boring as Eureka about her love for a prince or some such crap.

Chapter Fourteen

In this chapter, Evil Stepmother says, ‘As long as you live in my house, you follow my rules’. Eureka calls the line ‘soul-chilling’, which hardly makes her the epitome of Stoicism, to put it mildly.

She goes back to the Therapist, who manages not to be the worst therapist in YA (despite being mostly useless) by pointing out that Eureka is close to developing narcissism. However, as that’s practically a pre-requisite for YA heroines, Eureka responds by whining that no one understands her.

Then he pretty much tells her she’s going to die in a gutter, which is absurd for a therapist but pretty funny to me, so Eureka flounces, wishing Madame Fraud could be her therapist instead.

Chapter Fifteen

Eureka and Cat have a boring conversation, until Brooks shows up so they can have a boring reconciliation.

Then Maya drops by to give Brooks an ‘X-rated hug’.

What does that mean? Did she jump on his dick in the middle of the school hallway?

Well, on that exciting note we leave things until tomorrow, where Part Two of the ‘Teardrop‘ commentary continues.

Angelfall: You Know Nothing, Snow White (Part II)

CONTINUED FROM PART ONE: https://racheliliffe.wordpress.com/2015/09/28/angelfall-you-know-nothing-snow-white-part-i/

*~*~*

Chapter Twenty-Four

The next day the morning sun caresses Snow’s strands of mahogany and honey. Yay for purple prose!

After a few pages of describing the supply situation, Pen and Snow wander off and find some dead children hanging from trees, accompanied by a crying couple, the male half of whom she instantly knows was a loser in high school. Because he looks like one!

The couple argues about their son, who they’ve apparently been feeding children too, and Pen and Snow wander off again. I’m sure this will have a point later on, but right now I’m drumming my fingers against my desk.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Pen asks Snow if the couple were feeding the ‘low demons’—when they’d said outright it was their son. Maybe he’s a low demon? Snow, of course, knows nothing.

Then Pen asks him if he’s married. Seriously.

He isn’t, due to his Night’s Watch vows, and the fact that the love between humans and angels create monstrosities; like Hush, Hush, and A Beautiful Dark.

Anyway, after hiding from Obi-Wan and some angels, neither of whom notice them or each other, Pen and Snow resume their travels.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Our heroes make it to San Francisco thanks to a conveniently abandoned car (how long has this apocalypse been going on again?) and are close to Angel HQ (the ‘aerie’). Pen is upset by the destruction of the city, asking Snow ‘how could you do this’?

Does she really expect an answer at this point?

Anyway, they stop so Pen can change into a skimpy dress and Pen mentions that the apocalypse has now been going on for a couple of months.

A couple of months!?

‘Luckily, every girl knows how to change in public’.

Uh, we do, do we?

Anyway, Snow glues his wings back on (not really, but it makes as much sense) as a Cunning Disguise and they continue into the aerie.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Pen and Snow arrive at ‘the checkpoint’ to get into the city. Who’s running this checkpoint? Angel pimps. Well, I suppose there have been worse administrations in California.

The pimps have also hired Crazy Mum, not as a prostitute, but as a guard, who cattle-prods people through the fence along the checkpoint. I guess their diversity policy had a clause concerning the mentally ill.

So they reach the gate where the angels are deciding who’s fly enough to enter the city (lol—fly, geddit?) and when Pen asks why so many people have gathered around this spot Snow tells her it’s because people always gather places. In other words, he doesn’t know.

Well, these angels were obviously inspired by ‘The Wicked Woods’ (now there’s something I never thought I’d say) because they all wear old-timey clothes and stand around doing jack shit. Thus, Snow leads Pen into the aerie…

Chapter Twenty-Eight

At the aerie there are female angels, because it always makes sense that female angels exist.

Also there are angels with swords, and to avoid attracting their attention, Snow gives Pen twu wuv’s first kiss. Hooray. Pen spends the rest of the chapter obsessing over it.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

After much faffing about, Snow tells Pen to get the attention of the whitest angel ever and make him follow her to the men’s room. Pen is shocked, and I wonder why Snow didn’t try to plan anything out with her before now. Just thought they’d show up and the rest would sort itself out, I guess.

Chapter Thirty

On her way to Whitey, Pen sees a guy she describes as a ‘politician’ because he makes nice with everyone, but he and the women attending him are clearly dead on the inside. The Big Bad? I suppose we’ll wait and see.

Then one of the twins shows up and offers her a drink. I guess they were less useless than I thought, if they too were able to infiltrate the angel’s clubhouse. Wonder how skimpy the dresses they had to wear were?

Chapter Thirty-One

On getting closer to Whitey, Pen tells us that unlike all the other male models that comprise the angels in the room, this new character is Not Hot. Why? Because he has red eyes, a far more off-putting affliction than all the disabilities suffered by the kids Paige used to hang out with and organise parties for—wait, wasn’t she seven years old?

Pen knows instinctively that Whitey needs the magic of friendship to bring him out of his shell. She tries the oops-I-spilled-my-drink-on-you-totes-an-accident ploy, and it’s Super-Effective. She leads him into the men’s room to talk to Snow, whereupon it is revealed his name is Josiah, and Snow rescued him from being a slave.

Wait, angels have angel-slaves? What?

Anyway, Snow really is Raphael, big surprise (though Pen’s proverbial penny has yet to drop on that matter); and the pimp-parties have been organised by Uriel as bribes for electing him to Gabriel’s former position. None of the angels know what’s happening, Uriel might be in league with hell, the only person who can arrange for Snow’s wings to be sewn back on is someone called ‘Laylah’ and Josiah knows nothing about all the kidnappings, because no one knows anything in this book.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Snow and Pen take the elevator up to a room where the curtains have been left open by maids, which totes must be a political statement and not because they were lazy.

Pen showers, they argue, she eats, she ogles Snow… ah, Josiah comes back with… a Nazi woman? And Pen feels embarrassed that she’s eating and stuff? Well, she’s Laylah, and she’s here to talk about whether or not she should sew Snow’s wings back on until Twin1 brings them room service.

Then Pen and Laylah bitch at each other and Snow agrees to an unknown favour to get re-winged.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Welcome to the three-quarter mark, boys and girls!

Today we find out that Snow doesn’t believe in God, which makes perfect sense because—oh wait, no it doesn’t. Sorry, author, but just as Meyer could only take so many liberties with vampires, there are only so many liberties to be taken with angels too.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Pen torments a woman who’s come to bring more room service, and orders yet more until Twin1 shows up again. He decides to take her to where there might be some children, but has to be quick because La Resistance is about to assault the Death Star. Pen takes [steals] Snow’s magic sword along, which comes in handy when they’re randomly attacked by some guys…

Chapter Thirty-Five

… but then Crazy Mum shows up!

The random guys don’t want to get on Crazy’s bad side, so they get da fuk out and Crazy Mum joins their party. Twin1 leads them to where there might be some kids and then he gets da fuk out too, but after a few pages wandering around all they find are some deformed freaks of nature in giant tubes.

I was wondering when something like that would show up…

Chapter Thirty-Six

These freaks have dragonfly wings, which we all know from Inescapable means they’re fallen angels who want to steal souls. Or not. For some reason they also have scorpion tails.

Inside one of the tubes, one of the freaks is draining a woman of all her precious bodily fluids, because I guess vampire angels had to show up sometime. Soon Pen sees more of the same in other tubes.

Pen suddenly Takes a Level in Heroism and decides she can’t leave these people to their fate, then climbs a ladder to try to get to the top of the tank. What she finds instead is…

Chapter Thirty-Seven

… a wall of dead children!

And it’s not even Christmas.

Then Paige comes crawling out of the dead bodies looking all Frankenstein-ish.

Yay?

Chapter Thirty-Eight

The sisters are immediately found by a Mad Scientist angel. Mortal Combat ensues!

Unfortunately, Mad Scientist angel is not as easily defeated as our buddy Boden, and strangles our Penny.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Pen is saved by Paige, who has apparently been turned into a super-strong flesh-eating demon by Mad Science experiments. She takes a few chunks out of the angel, and—

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!

Mad-science by supernatural beings turning humans into cannibal-demons is what happens in one of MY novels!

NOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO THINK I WAS COPYING ANGELFALL!

AAAAARRRRRRRRGH!

Oh well, never mind.

Pen freaks out wondering whether or not she’ll still be able to feed Paige non-human meat. Don’t worry, Pen—I hear there’s a doctor in Baltimore who specialises in these kinds of cases. I doubt the apocalypse has finished him off. /Red Dragon.

Anyway, she finishes off the angel only for two more, including Laylah, to run in, but before that can have an effect on the plot, La Resistance begins their attack.

Hang on a minute, what happened to Crazy Mum?!

Chapter Forty

Well, some bombs are going off overhead, but Pen can’t leave without smashing up the tanks to try and free the tank-monsters’ lunches. Mum pops back up again and give’s Paige a big hug.

Aww.

Chapter Forty-One

The trio make their escape, but then Snow White comes hurtling down the hallway, thrown by an angel whose had Snow’s wings sewn onto his back, so I guess we know how well the surgery turned out.

Thanks, Laylah!

Shit, now I’ll have to call this angel Snow instead, and that means I might actually have to start referring to our Snow by his actual name!

Nah, screw that.

On Snow they’ve sewn a pair of bat wings, making him Batman, and the new Fake!Snow is the same guy who cut his wings off at the start. Snow asks Fake!Snow (called Belial, thus ‘Belle’ henceforth, for the Disney theme) why he didn’t just kill him. Belle’s answer?

Politics.

He doesn’t know shit either, does he?

Pen gives Snow back his sword, but it doesn’t work for him anymore and Belle (who is apparently from Hell? What?) attacks him. But Pen comes to the rescue, now possessed with magic sword powers, Mortal Combat ensues, something grabs Pen’s ankle—

Chapter Forty-Two

It was………………………………………………………………. A SCORPION FREAK!

It stings her in the neck, and Scorpion poison is Super Effective against YA dystopia heroines, but not against the Love Interests, so Snow picks it up and throws it away.

Sadly, Pen is now Dying in His Arms Tonight—it must have been something he said, and Snow is sad, because… they were in love or something. Hey, they knew each other almost a week! It counts!

Chapter Forty-Three

Belle was apparently Not Dead Yet, and rises again to kill Snow White, but is stopped when the Politician-type angel randomly appears to tell him not to, because it would turn him into a martyr for all his men.

His name? Ariel.

Well, okay, it’s Uriel—but they’re one letter’s difference and I have a theme going here!

Belle points out that Snow’s men don’t really care all that much about him anymore, but Ariel says they have to wait until everyone knows he’s Batman, or else. Pen becomes completely paralysed, Snow thinks she’s dead and does a Darth Vader ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’. Belle does some epic taunting and then he and Ariel leave… kind of awkwardly.

Snow beats up their surroundings in grief, and then carries Pen off.

Chapter Forty-Four

Outside the fighting is underway, La Resistance versus the angels who aren’t anything like angels. Snow White is able to make people Run Away with his Batman wings though, getting them as far as Obi-Wan’s people, who he leaves Pen with before flying away, never to be seen again. (for another chapter)

Chapter Forty-Five

Obi-Wan wants to leave without Pen’s body, but Paige has super-strength now, so she lifts it into the truck herself, and they ride away just before the aerie explodes.

Somehow.

Yay?

Chapter Forty-Six

As they’re on their way Pen is happy to see Snow White, flying around again. The soldiers shoot at him… and miss.

What a pointless chapter.

Chapter Forty-Seven

Pen’s paralysis wears off. What another pointless chapter.

Oh, also it’s The End.

*~*~*

FINAL THOUGHTS

Dawn: No, freak! Don’t do it! You’ll never recover your reputation!

Uh, it’s just a rating system on a website, Dawn.

Anyway, Angelfall. It was… not bad.

Hmm. Now my world view has been thrown completely out of balance. It’s almost like an apocalypse.

*Explosions occur outside mediocre reviewer’s window*

Huh, what do you know. Looks like angels are coming to destroy the world, Dawn—who’d a thunk it?

Dawn: Oh, those aren’t angels, freak.

They aren’t?

Dawn: Nope, this is the Disney Princess apocalypse. Abandon all hope, losers!

OH SHIT! EVERYBODY PANIC!

Okay, wait, it might be all right if I can just stay in my room and they won’t find me…

*Knocks occur on reviewer’s door*

Cinderella: Open up! This is the Disney Princess Gestapo, here to sell you into medical experiments!

NOOOOOOOOOO! How did they find us!?

Dawn: Simple. I sold you out, freak.

Bzuh?

Dawn: You didn’t really think there’d be no consequences for giving a YA paranormal romance book more than one star, did you?

But… but we’ve been through so much together! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL!

Dawn: Yeah, but didn’t you notice something strange? My name being Dawn and all. You know, ‘dawn’? Also known as ‘aurora’? As in PRINCESS AURORA!

What!?

Dawn: Dun, dun, dun, motherfuckers!

*Reviewer is dragged off screaming, never to be seen again—readers cheer loudly*

Angelfall: You Know Nothing, Snow White (Part I)

Finally it has happened. The two things I love most in the world, YA Paranormal Romance and YA Dystopia, have been merged together in a book I am reviewing. Oh, frabjuous day!

And yes, it’s angels again. Evil angels who cause the apocalypse, because that’s never been done—Cough!Evangelion!Cough!Dominion!Cough!—before.

But I’m sure this will be a masterpiece to rival even the likes of Eva. Then again, I don’t like Eva that much anyway, so I suppose it wouldn’t be too hard.

(The Condensed Goodreads review is here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1054600302 )

*~*~*

Chapter One

We begin with the knowledge that the angel apocalypse has made the sunsets prettier because… irony?

Well, if aesthetics for aesthetics sake isn’t a good indicator of how this book will turn out, we meet our tough heroine Katniss, the only person who can protect her little sister Prim in a dangerous world, since her father isn’t around and her mother is crazy.

Yeah, I used that joke again. In actuality we meet our tough heroine Penryn (?!?), the only person who can protect her little sister Paige in a dangerous world, since her father isn’t around and her mother is crazy. And for added bonus, Paige is in a wheelchair. This chapter involves them getting ready to leave the house… and that’s it.

Chapter Two

This terrific trio step out into post-apocalyptic wherever they are, and let us know that when people aren’t running from evil angels in this world, they’re spraying graffiti evil angels on the sides of walls and forming gangs who nail fake angel feathers to doors.

Also, the apocalypse has caused the people of Silicon Valley (I guess that’s where they are) to throw their smartphones into the streets, because they were infected with the SYMBOLISM! virus. After some wandering around, Prim—uh, Paige, finds a feather that apparently comes from a real angel this time.

And a real angel swoops down to give Penryn an opportunity to explain how angels have been killing everyone for… some reason.

Chapter Three

More angels follow, and fortunately for our heroes, they seem to be more interested in killing each other than in Penryn. These angels all have different-coloured wings, designed to give me Inescapable flashbacks, no doubt. Also they look like ‘the type to be heavily scarred’, but aren’t, whatever that means.

A fight ensues between five crazy-winged angels and one with normal white wings, described in such terms that I’m guessing he’s the paranormal love interest. Yay. Then they cut his wings off. Take that, Patch!

At this point Pen refers to two of the other angels as ‘bullies’, despite having no idea what’s going on.

One of them expresses his regret that he has to cut ‘Snowy-Wings’ snowy wings off, making me suspect his story would be far more interesting than the one I’m reading, and Paige falls for the old, making-a-noise-that-gives-away-your-location-when-trying-to-hide cliché.

Chapter Four

Pen tries to distract the angels so her family can get away, instead of just… trying to get away while they were already distracted by carving up some wings, but mommy dearest runs off without Paige, leaving her wide open for a kidnapping plot. Meanwhile Pen, an untrained teenage girl, manages to get a sword from the ground and throw it to Snow White before the fearsome angels can do shit.

With Snow White armed, the others RUN AWAY. Unfortunately, one of the other angels decides that spiting Pen is more important than running away, and abducts Paige on his way out, laughing maniacally. Well, not really, but he may as well have been.

Chapter Five

Man, these are some short chapters. Anyway, Penny then looks for mommy, although their relationship is ‘complicated’, and her ‘rosy love’ for her mother is ‘slashed with black’ and ‘spattered with grey’, and inked ravens of despair claw holes in the arse of the world’s mind.

No one will get that reference.

But poor old mum is nowhere to be found, hopefully she will avoid the supermarkets which we are told the gangs have turned into ‘torture stations’. As you would. (given the many stations I’ve been to, I think perhaps the ‘torture’ part is redundant).

So, Pen decides to grab herself a slice of Snow White, as angel wings go for big bucks on the black market. And also to see if he knows where the other angels took Paige. She applies first aid and tosses him into Paige’s wheelchair, making sure to act as though it’s really difficult for her to lift him as that will mean anyone watching will think she’s strong.

Wait, what?

Chapter Six

Pen holes up in an office with a corpse outside to ward people off. Luckily there’s still running water and intermittent electricity (why did everyone throw away their smartphones again?) so the apocalypse isn’t that bad.

Two days later Snow White wakes up to inform Pen that her sister is totes ded. Pen doesn’t believe him, because she’s read the blurb for this book. So she shows him his severed wings to prove… that she has his wings? She claims doctors could sew them back on, but I wouldn’t think Snow was stupid enough to—oh wait, he is.

Chapter Seven

Apparently Buffalo Bill’s come by to put make-up on the corpse outside the office; no, wait, it was Crazy Old Mum, who now vandalises corpses because… she’s crazy, and that’s what crazy people do. Also they have radar powers because how else could she have found Pen?

Well, according to her a ‘demon’ told her. Sounds legit. Meanwhile we get some backstory which tells us no one knows how Paige got ‘crippled’, she was in the house with Crazy Mum and there was an ‘accident’ that was apparently never investigated, so Mum made Pen get a bazillion different types of self-defence lessons even though they had no money to pay for them. Also she kept a scrapbook of stories about mothers who killed their children.

I have so many questions I can’t even list them all.

Chapter Eight

Pen duct-tapes up Snow White for safe-keeping, they exchange ‘witty banter’ then fight. Then more banter, then more bondage. And we get this line:

“When I was little, I always thought I’d be Cinderella, but I guess this makes me the wicked witch.”

You thought you’d be Cinderella, huh?

And wait—there was no wicked witch in Cinderella!

Chapter Nine

Crazy Mum leaves the lights on, attracting one of those evil gangs. A fairly written action scene ensues, although Snow White does leap to her defence for no reason. Guess he has Schlockholm Syndrome. Mummy knifes up some guy while Snow White takes on the rest of them.

Then Pen decides to lend him a hand, seeing as he’s her only link to poor Paige, and they fight and they fight and they fight and they fight… and they win. Deciding to leave, Snow White realises that Pen has his super-special-awesome sword, and Pen doesn’t give it back to him, because I guess she’s not an idiot.

Chapter Ten

I’m beginning to fear this book might be worth more than one star. I hate books like that!

Anyway, Snow White is in bad shape after some walking, leading me to wonder how exactly angels work in this world, because they seem to be slightly stronger humans with wings. This one’s name is ‘Raffe’. Short for Raphael? Who knows, I’m still going to call him Snow White.

Pen lets us know that Snow is totes gorgeous, claims she isn’t afraid of him, or god, then moves onto another subject. Why have angels decided to destroy humanity?

Well, I could make several jokes about why humanity deserves to be destroyed, but Snow’s answer is, word for word:

“Beats me.”

That sounds legit to Pen, and they have lunch. And they talk and they talk and they talk and they talk… we find out the angels have been collecting children, but Snow doesn’t know why because it appears Snow knows fuck all, really. When Pen asks him why the others were attacking him, he tells her not to be a victim-blamer, and nothing of interest happens.

Then there’s a dream sequence that lets you know Pen watched Titanic one too many times before the apocalypse and when she wakes up Snow agrees to take her to… somewhere. Her sister might be there, I guess.

Chapter Eleven

Now we learn that angels take longer to heal from wounds inflicted by angel swords, and Snow’s sword had to give Pen permission to use it because I guess it works by Excalibur rules.

Snow and Pen eat some cat food and set off on their journey.

Oh, and we’re at the quarter-way mark. Exciting.

Chapter Twelve.

Our heroes begin by finding some dead bodies, dead bodies that were apparently gnawed on by zombies, or possibly just crazy people. Or a pack of feral children. Or Mummy.

Who cares, next chapter!

Chapter Thirteen

In the woods, Paige’s wheelchair gets stuck in the mud and Snow White banters at Pen for a bit. Then they go to a place called Skyline, where the local people don’t like outsiders and set the hounds on them.

Chapter Fourteen

Snow White stuffs Pen in a tree and leads the doggies away just before a group of organised guys appear and find him. Pen is aggrieved that they are taking her captive captive, and goes after them.

Chapter Fifteen

It’s much easier to summarise chapters when stuff happens, rather than mindless bullshit. That’s another mark against you, Angelfall—I’m starting to get annoyed with your lack of badness!

The random guys take Snow White back to their base, and Pen follows along, waiting ’til night to perform a daring rescue… that gets her immediately captured. Yay.

Chapter Sixteen

So the thing about this book, I think, is that it has no… je ne sais quoi. I know that sounds super-vague, and I’m sorry, but I’m just… underwhelmed. Ever since chapter nine there’s been nothing wrong with the story and at the same time there’s been nothing compelling about it either.

Like now, when the random guys shoot the shit with Pen and Snow as they’re tied to chairs. There’s not even anything to say about it, it’s just talking. Then their leader comes in and feeds them. His name is Obadiah, and he excels in Boring Conversations.

Once both sides have reassured each other that they’re not living off Soylent Green, Obi confides in them his plan to find the crazy cannibals and train them to fight angels. There, that’s the kind of awesomely stupid idea I read books for! For once, I’m happy our heroes have found La Resistance!

Chapter Seventeen

Obi-Wan lets them know that he’s not deluded enough to think the local cannibals will be able to defeat the evil angels, (I don’t know—if they’re the Inbreds from the Wrong Turn franchise I think they could pull it off), but he does hope that it will at least inspire the people—and I for one find it very inspiring.

He leaves them to their escape attempt, and Snow breaks his bonds, because angel-powers. Pen mentions how the angels might have started killing humans because Gabriel got shot and killed, so apparently angels are weak against bullets?

Anyway, they’re immediately re-captured.

Chapter Eighteen

La Resistance tells our heroes they have to stay until the camp moves, because otherwise they might give away their location. If this was good old Ember, she would have been whining indignantly about it. Pen is actually reasonable.

I’m Very Disappointed, Angelfall!

Obi-Wan wants to recruit them though, and his guard Boden calls them ‘dildos’. Time will tell if he becomes my favourite character or not…

Anyway, they stay in the camp, where the men build walls out of computers instead of any of the hundreds of things that would make better walls than computers because SYMBOLISM! Pen goes to talk to Obi-Wan to see if he’ll let them go since they’ve been there a whole day, but runs into Boden who tells her to get back in the kitchen before he orally sodomises her.

Perhaps not my favourite character then.

Pen punches him in the face, he punches her back, she breaks his finger, he punches her in the boob, the onlookers take bets.

Yes, really.

Chapter Nineteen

About this time Pen decides to ‘get serious’ about this fight and turns the tables, right before Obi-Wan shows up to break it up, and Pen feels bad that Snow White didn’t bet on her winning. Because his opinion of her is so important to her now, apparently.

Obi-Wan tells her that brawling and gambling are cornerstones of their resistance movement, which is why no one tried to stop the fight. Great policy! Somehow, Pen doesn’t decide to join La Resistance after this, though she is tempted. She has to find Prim, after all. Uh, Paige.

But she wants to live in a world where her biggest worries are the PROOOOM, and pretending she does will obviously make it so!

(Hey, maybe Angelfall takes place in the same universe as Halo? Guess Bethany’s mission backfired big-time, maybe she should have actually paid attention to it rather than mooning over Xavier all the time)

Then Fred and George Weasley show up (called Tweedledum and Tweedledee in this book, though the character models match), seemingly to become Pen’s annoying cheerleading-squad. They gush over how awesome she is for a bit and try to recruit her into more fighting, saying if she throws a fight for them, they’ll help her escape.

She accepts, but not before interrogating them as to what Snow bet in regards to her fight.

Chapter Twenty

After a day of hard work Pen worries because Snow will be expected to take his shirt off, revealing the bandages with bloodstains in the shape of wing joints; and there’s just no possible explanation for those, except wings. Derp.

Luckily the woman the Hitachi twins (Hitachi doesn’t get a red line? Are Microsoft Ouran fans? Well, Ouran got one, so probably not) wanted Pen to fight; Anita (I’m saying nothing), sidles up to flirt with Snow and Pen pretends to be a jealous bitch to distract everyone.

Anita, it seems, is a Dawn character—yay! I hadn’t dared hope!

They mud-wrestle, but are interrupted by men with gnus.

(If you’re in my NaNo group, ‘gnus’ is a joke. If not, sucks to be you!)

Chapter Twenty-One

Panic ensues, people RUN AWAY, and Snow and Pen take the opportunity to escape. They come across some of the soldiers fighting… something, they don’t see what it was, but it was scary and some of the soldiers have been disarmed. In the sense that I’m putting my Horatio Cane sunglasses on.

Anyway, the soldiers leave, and our heroes go back to where Pen stashed Snow’s wings. They collect them, and Snow leads Pen back to camp Fight Club before telling her her sister’s in San Francisco. Then he gives some incredibly vague lines about how the whole massacre thing happened because of him, Pen is safer on her own, and then he buggers off.

Pen, of course, still has that Millstone to rescue, so instead of going back to Fight Club, she wanders off into the forest.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Pen wanders around in the woods and is attacked by things.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Snow shows up to save her. The two of them fight the… things (I don’t know, they’re little shadow demons or something) until they leave. Snow apparently doesn’t know what they are, and doesn’t recognise the term ‘Bizzaro-ville’ either, despite having no problems speaking colloquial English up ’til now.

Wait a minute, I just realised. I’ve been calling him ‘Snow’ all this time… and he knows nothing…

Aha. Ahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I crack myself up.

Moving on, we’re halfway through the book, let’s celebrate with another dream sequence!

*~*~*

CONTINUED TOMORROW IN PART TWO

Die For Me: Numa, Numa, Numa, Yay! (Part II)

DIE FOR ME COMMENTARY

PART DEUX

(First part here: https://racheliliffe.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/die-for-me-numa-numa-numa-yay-part-i/ )

Chapter Twenty

Kate and Georgia are fighting because Georgia got ditched at the restaurant. Maybe they should tell her what’s going on, then she’d understand why they had to get out of enemy territory that–hah, no, that would ruin the whole plot of the book, such as it is.

Anyway, Grandpa French Guy decides to show Kate some of his prized plot devices, including some little statues of naked guys called Numina, which Kate points out sounds kind of like ‘numa’. Her mentioning that word gets an EXTREMELY NATURAL REACTION from Gramps.

Which Kate immediately forgets all about. She then has another info-dumping date with Vince, in which nothing of significance is revealed. Their info-dump is interrupted when Charlotte calls to tell them her brother just died again, and at the scene of the ‘crime’, so to speak, Vince sends Charlotte home with Kate.

Charlotte explains that some little kids fell in the river, and her brother dived in to save them. He brought the first one to shore so Charlotte could give him CPR, but then he and the other one both got boat-propellered to death, because the guy running the boat was too dumb to turn it off, and the twins were too dumb to BOTH jump in to save the children.

Chapter Twenty-One

This sorry sequence of events gives Kate dead parent flashbacks, wherein she tore strands of her hair out and braided them with the hair on her mother’s corpse.

Uh… is that like, a thing people do?

Meanwhile, Jean-Baptiste pays off the ambulance driver to get their guy’s body back. I’m guessing the driver probably thinks he’s a necrophiliac or something, and I just can’t believe Word 2007 doesn’t have the word ‘necrophiliac’ in its dictionary. Who doesn’t end up having to use that word every once in a while, amirite?

Kate decides an infodump is just the thing to cheer her up and asks Vince for some more boring backstory. He reveals what year he was born in and what year he died. It’s very important.

Dawn: Unimportant, your freakiness means.

Yes, unimportant. This leads to angsting over the pain of being a revenant, Vince apologising for his being a revenant causing Kate pain, and Kate flouncing in angst.

Chapter Twenty-Two

It occurs to Kate that if she keeps hanging around Vincent her life will turn out exactly the same way every other YA paranormal heroine’s life turns out, in twu wuv with a hundred year old dead guy. And she can’t stand to be with a guy who keeps dying all the time, due to dead parent angst.

Huh. I’d have thought the guy who can’t die properly would have been a perfect match for the girl who can’t stand that death exists…

Sometime later she runs into Charlotte, who’s been following her around like a creepy stalker, and her brother Charles, who really hates her because the writer is struggling to find some kind of conflict to keep the readers interested, even though these revenants supposedly had those internet-meme enemies hanging around stabbing them.

Charlotte still wants to be friends, but Kate says no, because obviously she doesn’t want to see her die all the time either—no, that’s not it at all, she just doesn’t want to risk running into Vince, apparently she doesn’t care if Charlotte dies.

But Charlotte starts crying and so Kate says they can hang out for a while; Charlotte tells Kate her backstory of being murdered by the Nazis during WW2 for helping out some Jews, and how nice it is to hang out with a girl for once since the revenants suffer from the Smurfette Principle and all.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Kate sees Vincent out with some crying blonde girl, and once again immediately assumes she’s his girlfriend because she’s dumb. Then she runs away like an idiot.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Georgia takes Kate out clubbing in an effort to curb her emo, along with a bunch of multi-national European guys. One of them is British, and therefore has a British accent. A ‘buttery’ accent. I’m not entirely sure which part of the nation speaks in butter, but I’m going to guess West Country since they’re all farmers, arr!

Then Kate meets Lucien, the owner of the bar they’re at, and Alex, who’s in a band. I’m sure none of them are secretly villains or anything. They flirt with her, but Kate is as bored as I am by this point and decides to go home.

And then, as she leaves, she sees Lucien talking to someone.

It was……………………………………………. Charles!

Dun dun dun!

Wait, why is that worthy of a cliffhanger?

Chapter Twenty-Five

Oh, it wasn’t. Nothing happens. Nothing at all.

The next day Kate runs into Jules again, but for some reason is happy about this, even though she didn’t want to hang around Vincent’s friends for fear of seeing Vincent.

They flirt, and Jules reveals the shock twist that the blonde girl Kate saw Vince with wasn’t his girlfriend either. Dun. Dun. Dun.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Granny gets a painting from a guy who happens to be Jean-Baptiste, who continues to be my favourite character with his monotone greeting to Kate.

Apparently Granny does painting restoration, and this painting of Jean-Baptiste from ye olde days was knifed up by Charlie-boy before he randomly disappeared. Jean wants to know where Kate saw him, and also ‘where she came from’, which Kate assumes means he’s… checking out her social status?

Why would anyone think that!?

Then he suddenly goes all nice and asks Kate to come back for Vincent’s sake. What?

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Kate wonders what’s better: to be safe and suffer alone, or risk pain and actually live.

That’s an interesting question, or it would be if it had anything to do with the problem Kate is actually facing: the fact that she doesn’t like looking at dead people. Actually, no, it wouldn’t—if you’re already suffering alone then wouldn’t risking pain be a moot point?

Well, never mind. Vincent’s standing outside Kate’s house because he’s stalking her, and seems to be coping about as well with their separation as Bella coped in New Moon. What a pussy.

Anyway, he feels it’s about time he gave his backstory of his girlfriend being raped and murdered by the Nazis and him joining the French Resistance and dying. Jean picked him up right after—he already knew Vincent was a revenant because he can see people’s auras.

Oh, fuck! Jean is Ever from Evermore! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Meanwhile, blonde-girl from the restaurant was actually another revenant named Genevieve, and she’s married to a human who’s really old, which for some reason that means Vince and Kate can be together so he asks her to be with him again.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Kate says yes.

That’s it. I’m serious, this chapter is eight words long.

EIGHT WORDS LONG!

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Well, that was dumb.

Our heroine goes over to Vincent’s for the night so he can give some exposition about Charles’ flouncing. It seems Charles decided that since that random little girl died, life is totes unfair, and Jean sucks for… looking after all the other revenants, and not letting them die ‘as nature intended’.

So, I guess Charles wants Jean to go around setting the other revenants on fire?

Anyway, he’s bummed off somewhere, probably to listen to Simple Plan, and now’s as good a time as any for our couple to have a womantic dance.

The next morning, Jeanne the maid tells Kate she really missed her, and I can see why, since they were so close and all. I mean, they met like a whole one time!

And then there’s a massive sword-training montage.

Chapter Thirty

Kate finds a painting of Vincent’s dead girlfriend and he tells her that even though he killed loads of people to avenge her (including those who had nothing to do with her death) he was still never satisfied. This causes Kate to become jealous of a girl who’s been dead for 70 years. What a lovely pair they make!

Chapter Thirty-One

Vincent pops over to meet Kate’s boring grandparents, and it’s lucky that ‘meals in France can last for hours’, because it gives Vince a chance to give them some boring fake exposition.

Sigh. This is why you French people keep losing wars—you spend so many hours eating that by the time you’re done your enemies have installed an entire new government in your capitol. You should take a leaf out of our British Book, and make your meals practically inedible so you can race through them and get back to invading other nations.

But then Georgia reveals that her boyfriend is Lucien Poitevin, and Vincent disapproves because I’m guessing he’s a numa? This disapproval causes Georgia to flounce like a moron, and Vince to speak like he’s from the nineteenth century.

Vince reveals that Lucien is indeed a numa, and the villain of this story (yes, apparently this book does have a story), and I mean literally. He literally says Lucien is ‘the bad guy of [his] story’. And when Kate informs him that she saw him talking with Charlie-boy shit gets real, because it means Charles is going to try and kill himself via them. I don’t know why he can’t just set himself on fire or something, maybe he’s not allowed to handle matches.

It turns out Lucien was a collaborator who worked for the Nazis and was practically Satan himself from the way Vince describes him, and Vince was part of the crack team who originally killed him and then were all killed by him in turn when he came back as a zombie, making them arch-enemies 4-evah. Mmm, that’s some good info-dumping, yum!

Kate then goes to see Georgia, who doesn’t believe her boyfriend who runs all sorts of bars and clubs could possibly be involved in illegal activities, because bars and clubs are where you find the epitome of lawful behaviour.

Sigh. You’re going to end up like Sandy from XVI, Georgia. Or at the very least, the dumb friend from Halo.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Nothing happens.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Kate finds out that Vince can communicate psychically with her when he’s in hibernate mode.

… and nothing happens.

Chapter Thirty-Four

We’re 4/5ths through. I guess I can’t say there’s no story, but it can barely be called a story so I’m still waiting for the real plot to start, but I have high hopes for this chapter, let’s see it through…

Okay, so, after Kate uses ‘respect’ in place of ‘cool’ non-ironically, the bad guys phone her up to stop her from ever doing it again, and also to kill Charlie-boy over the phone at her and get her to tell JB to come and get the body before they fry it up with a side of bacon.

After Kate intuitively knows that Charlotte is in love with Ambrose… somehow… (wait, who’s Ambrose again?) the gang figure out that Lucien must be in his extremely stupidly-named Club Judas, which used to be called ‘Hell’s Square’, because Lucien has all the subtlety of the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Kate is told that since she’s useless she has to stay at home, where she watches Charlotte strip down to her underwear and suit up for battle.

Are we sure Kate isn’t secretly actually in love with Charlotte?

Chapter Thirty-Six

While the other characters go off to actually do stuff and take Vince’s astral projection with them, Kate sits in for the much more exciting task of listening to Jeanne give more exposition about Vincent, and how before he met Kate he was just an ‘avenging robot’.

I guess he was just waiting for the right Generic Protagonist to come along and heal his wounded soul through her generic-ness.

But then Georgia shows up as a hostage to Lucien; it seems that while he knew nothing of subtlety, he did have at least two brain cells to rub together, while the Vince crew was too stupid to figure out that leaving Georgia with Lucien was a massive security leak.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

The one guy they’d left at the house emerges to do battle with Lucien.

Well, first he does banter with Lucien, and then he gets shot in the head. Lucien takes the opportunity to threaten to kill Georgia if Kate doesn’t take him to Vincent, when he could just kill them both and burn the house down, but Kate figures now’s the best time to try giving some exposition of her own to bring Georgia up to speed.

Meanwhile Lucien gives some generic evil monologues, and reveals that he knew all along that Vincent was in love with Kate and that’s why he went out with Georgia—I guess it was the best plan he could come up with.

But the best plan Vincent can come up with is the one he got from reading Hush, Hush, and he possesses Kate in order to fight Lucien. IMMORTAL COMBAT!

… which Vincent swiftly wins and then they set Lucien’s body on fire. Happy anti-climactic ending, everyone!

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Vincent gives some exposition about the big battle, where we learn that the numa stupidly followed Lucien’s orders to not kill any of their enemy until he returned with Vincent’s head. What. An. Idiot.

JB then delivers some exposition of his own—that Kate should have gone insane because of the possession, but didn’t, because of… true love, or something.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

JB tells Charlotte and Charles to get da fuk out and go to one of his other houses, and Boring Conversations ensue.

Chapter Forty

Jesus, why doesn’t this thing just end?

Ugh, Kate has a boring birthday party and a bazillion expensive presents, and ice cream, and a pony, and she gets to stay up late, and it’s the bestest birthday evah!

The End.

Finally.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Oh my god, that was a tough one; definitely ‘so bad it’s really boring’, and it’s run a thousand words over my usual limit even though as usual nothing happened.

Well, there was about five percent of the book wherein stuff happened. But it wasn’t very interesting stuff, and besides—

Hang on, there’s a knock at my door.

Hello?

G: Hey. It’s me, Georgia.

Georgia from the book?

G: Yep.

… why are you black?

G: Because that’s how you created me.

What!? I didn’t write ‘Die For Me’! What the hell are you talking about!?

G: I’m not Georgia from ‘Die For Me’. I’m Georgia from ‘518′.

Oh, right, I did name a character Georgia in 518—but she’s been named since I wrote the prologue back in June 2013; that was months before I even bought ‘Die For Me’, it’s not like I took the name from that, so what are you doing here?

G: Oh really? But you’ve been writing a scene with my character while reading ‘Die For Me’, haven’t you? A chapter you only started a few days ago. Take a look at it, why don’t you?

Huh? Uh… let me see, 518… FLASHBACK 1… Main Character being smug… ” “You’re disgusting,” Georgia’s friend Kate had said, while monkey-boy continued giggling. “

Georgia’s friend Kate…

Georgia’s friend Kate…

Kate…

OH SNAP!

G: It just seemed like the right name, didn’t it?

But… but…. it’s not like I was in any way influenced by ‘Die For Me’! No one could possibly ever think that!

G: Then why are you writing this stupid ending?

Touché, Georgia. Touché.

(see, I know French words too, Die For Me!)

Die For Me: Numa, Numa, Numa, Yay! (Part I)

Happy September everyone, hopefully there’ll be more frequent blog posts now summer’s almost at an end. Sure, we only had about a week of proper summer here in Blighty, and that was late June/early July, but there was still barometric pressure screwing with me, and I’m sticking to that story!

Today our paranormal romance centres around a revenant, a kind of zombie-ghost featured mostly in British folklore, though they’re present in much of Western Europe in general, and this book takes place in France. I actually knew most of that before I re-checked it on Wikipedia, having done some research on vampires several years ago when studying Dracula.

The More You Know!

DIE FOR ME

(Condensed reveiw on Goodreads here: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/892315814)

Prologue

Another one of these pointless one-page prologues that featured so beautifully in The Selection and A Beautiful Dark. Maybe it means this one will give me Schlockholm too?

Chapter One

Then again, maybe not.

We meet our heroine, whose parents recently died in a car crash. Even though her sister is still alive and she doesn’t have any psychic powers, she is somehow even more emo than Ever from Evermore. Friends, this is Kate.

Yes, I know, it’s reasonable to be emo when your parents die in a car crash, but it still annoys me. Kate enjoys wangsting over having ‘almond-shaped’ eyes, and gushing over how awesome Paris is even though she’s too emo to go outside.

Chapter Two

Convinced by her older sister Georgia, Kate leaves her grandparents’ house for the wonders of Paris, probably so she can escape her grandmother’s random dropping of French words into their conversation.

You know, in case we forgot she was French.

Kate goes off to find a cafe; rejects the first due to all the old people inside, and finds a suitable location to meet her Paranormal Love Interest—I say paranormal rather than Generic, because the last few haven’t actually been quite so generic. Although I admit I don’t hold out much hope.

He shows up right on cue and they stare into each other’s eyes, Kate only taking a break so she can describe his friends in such a way the reader will immediately forget them.

Chapter Three

There is more mourning of the loss of Kate’s perfect French father and a mother who was apparently her soul mate (!?!). Maybe the love interest, who we know from the prologue is called Vincent, did away with the mother himself? There can be only one!

Then Kate and Georgia decide to go out, and end up watching a girl try to kill herself by jumping off a bridge, ‘as if she was offering herself up as a sacrifice to gravity’.

Sacrifice to gravity.

Yeah, I got nothing.

Anyway, Vincent tries to save her by spreading his arms out in the shape of a cross and diving into the water, then a sword fight breaks out… somehow, and one of Vincent’s friends pops up to say he’s the police, and there’s gang fighting in the area, so the girls should get da fuk out.

Vincent then reappears with the girl, both alive, and Kate and Georgia wonder if they should call the real police, but the conversation goes off on a tangent and they laugh the whole thing off like all sensible people would.

Chapter Four

Well, Kate goes back to her miserable life, sits in the cafe and cries over passages in ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ that she’s read a million times before, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that she was so emo over her parents’ deaths.

Vincent shows up to steal her bag and holds it hostage in exchange for Kate’s name that he actually already knows. Unfortunately the bag is really shittily made and breaks open—the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened! Like, ever!

Kate sees Vincent stalking her a few times over the next few days and is torn between annoyance and twu wuv. Then she sees some random people who beckon her over, which results in her not getting killed when the building randomly starts falling apart, and then the random people vanish.

Well, things happening is supposedly a staple of a novel, so I guess this book has that going for it. I don’t know if they might want to inject some meaning into those things, but…

Chapter Five

Kate goes home so Granny can yell ‘Katya!’ at her. Was she supposed to be Russian?

Anyway, later on Kate and Georgia go to an art museum. Yay. And one of Vincent’s bazillion generic friends is there. Yay. And Vincent’s image is ‘burned indelibly’ into her mind. Yay?

Well, Vincent shows up for a Boring Conversation. It takes up most of the chapter, and they arrange a date, and why not after all their meaningful interaction so far?

Chapter Six

Bella spends some time wondering why a guy as gorgeous as Edward would ever be interested in her. Wait…

Yeah, you all know where that joke was going.

Anyway, our heroes go on the underground and stare at people, a ‘French national pastime’. Hmm, they must recognise us horrible English on sight then, because they’ve never stared at me in Paris, and you’d think they’d at least have been entranced by my hideousness, but no…

Vince steadies Kate on the subway, causing her to tell him she’s ‘not a damsel in distress’. I’m sure this will turn out to be true!

(Spoilers: It doesn’t).

Their boring date continues, and Vincent asks Kate what a girl like her would like as a gift. Kate assumes this means he has a girlfriend—WANGST! But he doesn’t, so there were a few pages we could have done without.

Actually, that’s the end of the chapter, so we could have done without it entirely.

Chapter Seven

Vince sees someone in the street, and from his reaction it’s likely a generic antagonist, but since Kate doesn’t see them I have no idea—it could have just been a Jehovah’s Witness.

He decides they have to find Jules, who seems to be making a booty-call somewhere in one the more stereo-typical areas of Paris. Kate overhears them talking cryptically about the encounter, but apparently the most interesting thing to her is that Vince describes their outing as a ‘date’.

Jules says Kate has to get da fuk out, and Vince agrees, which Kate thinks makes him ‘cowardly’, despite the fact that she has no idea what’s going on, except that it might be police business—but why would Vince ever want to break off a date with a girl he barely knows, just to see to important police business?!

Well, she ends up following him to a scene of a man trying to kill himself by jumping onto train tracks—no doubt as a sacrifice to trains. Jules jumps onto the tracks too, and then the train hits them.

Good.

Chapter Eight

Okay, not so good, people jumping in front of trains is bad. I almost missed a play once because of someone jumping in front of a train; the ensuing railway delays were that terrible!

Anyway, Vince whisks Kate back to chateau Vince for coffee and apparently doesn’t give a shit that Jules just died. What a coincidence—neither do I.

Though given the blurb of the book, I somehow doubt we’ve seen the last of Julie-wulie. Kate does some boring wangsting and demands an explanation. Vince responds by being mysterious. Kate decides that he’s a terrible person and she never wants to see him again, then flounces.

I wonder how long before twu wuv ensues?

Chapter Nine

Kate thinks that Vince and Jules were probably part of some underground gang, because that would make perfect sense. All the gangs in Paris carry swords and go around preventing suicides, don’t you know?

After a conversation with her sister wastes a few pages, Kate goes on to talk about the American School of Paris, a place full of lost souls trying to pretend they’re back home…

… IN AMERICA!

The school makes her do a project on a strike that happened in 1968, and while researching the strike she finds an old newspaper about some firemen who died and, le gasp! It’s Vince and one of the Vince-friends!

Are newspaper photos from 1968 really that good as conclusive evidence? Apparently so.

And then she sees Jules randomly hanging around. I think we know what that means.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Chapter Ten

Rather than assuming Jules has a twin or a lookalike, Kate tries to convince him that he’s dead, but we all know Jules has been Dead All Along, so he just pretends not to know her. Or maybe he has amnesia, either way my cliché-ometer is going off.

Then Kate goes to Vince’s house to leave him a message, apologising for calling him a terrible person since it seems there was a supernatural explanation all along.

As I’m sure you would, rather than writing, “WTF IS GOING ON, DEAD-BOY!?”

While at the house she remembers she’s a heroine in a pseudo-gothic romance, and decides to do some exploring—because that always ends well. She finds Vince’s corpse lying next to a framed photograph of herself, and Jules bursts in to say that ‘the game’s up’.

Well… that’s interesting.

Chapter Eleven

I sense that something exposition-y this way comes.

First Jules takes Kate to ‘Charlotte’s Room’ while talking to himself, or probably a ghost or something. Kate freaks out about Vince being dead, even though Jules is dead too and he seems all right.

Anyway, he locks her in with Charlotte, one of the random people who saved Kate from the random building collapsing, and Kate goes on and on about how beautiful she is. I guess Kate swings both ways? That’d be a twist…

Charlotte calms Kate down by having a boring conversation that doesn’t explain anything. The best kind of exposition by far!

Chapter Twelve

Charlotte takes Kate back to Vincent, which explains why Jules had to lock them in a room together, oh wait, no it doesn’t, and Vincent is alive again. However, Kate knows that he was dead a few minutes ago because apparently she’s a qualified Medical Examiner.

Jules turns up again, along with some more characters I can’t be sure will have anything to do with the plot. One of them is the owner of the house, Jean-Baptiste, who insta-hates Kate and wants her to get da fuk out, making him my new favourite character.

He flounces, heralding the end of another chapter in which nothing happened except some guys being introduced.

Chapter Thirteen

Well, here it is, the exposition-dump everyone’s been waiting for!

And… they really are zombies! I knew it! Dawn, get the shot gun!

Dawn: We live in the UK, freak. We don’t have any guns.

Well in that case I suppose a cricket bat will have to do, and—

Oh wait, it was a joke. But they are revenants, and those are kind of like zombies, so I’m still hanging on to that bat. Anyway, in this universe revenants are dead people who have come back to life, and every time they die they come back as the same age they were when they first died, then age normally until they die again. So far, so good.

The reason they keep dying is…

Not going to be explained in this chapter, except that it has something to do with saving people. Too much space was taken up already by Vince’s friends babbling nonsense.

Chapter Fourteen

In this chapter we meet Jeanne, a housekeeper whose family has worked for Jean-Baptiste since Napoleonic France when her ancestor was saved from death-by-cannonball thanks to Jean’s sacrifice. The ancestor then brought Jean’s body back to France…

… after he’d been killed by a cannonball? Those things kind of tear you to pieces. Did he carry him around in a bucket or something?

Anyway, I’m sure she’s integral to the plot.

Also, Vince tells us that revenants have stayed under the radar all these years, because Kate’s heard of vampires and werewolves but not revenants and that means that no one’s heard of them, even though during the middle ages they were the most common creature to find in English paranormal literature.

I guess you’ve stayed under the radar so long as Lon Cheney, Claude Raines and Bela Lugosi never went near you!

Oh, and we passed the third-way mark.

Chapter Fifteen

Vince and Kate have a date in which twu wuv is imminent. Kate ponders whether being involved with an unholy walking corpse is a good idea, but then remembers her dead mother once told her she had good intuition, which I suppose is going to be this book’s explanation for how its heroine’s dumbassery is justified.

Chapter Sixteen

Vince opts for telling Kate how he first died later in the book to keep some semblance of suspense—uh, I mean because he wants her to know him for who he is now before she knows who he used to be. Yeah.

Instead, he explains how he told Charlotte to save Kate from the random building collapsing via astral projection (called ‘volant’) because he felt it would happen.

And then Vince tells Kate he’s in love with her because of… reasons. I mean, who wouldn’t be in love with Kate and her… Kate-ness?

Chapter Seventeen

Kate compliments Vince on his English skills for the day. Was he supposed to have trouble speaking English? Their conversation is boring until Vince mentions the enemies the revenants have. Damn it, it’s those Jehovah’s Witnesses, I just knew it!

No, actually it’s the ‘numa’, and their evil goal is to spread internet memes everywhere until I have no choice but to reference them in my commentary, the bastards!

Also, they become immortal by killing people to make up for the fact that the revenants become immortal by saving them. Unless the revenants kill them, in which case they die for realz.

Well, now that that’s sorted we can get back to the boring date, and Vince and Kate’s boring and schmaltzy first kiss. Yuck.

Chapter Eighteen

Kate’s sister texts her incessantly about her new boyfriend, and Vince texts her as well even though she never gave him her number, because he’s a stalker.

Wait, why did he still not have her frikken’ phone number before apparently stealing it in the restaurant last chapter?! They’ve been hanging around each other for months at this point!

Chapter Nineteen

Georgia now also has a boyfriend, what do you want to bet he’s secretly a numa and possibly the main antagonist?

(Spoilers: Georgia’s boyfriend is a numa and also the main antagonist).

For now Georgia flirts with one of the Vince-friends because I guess she’s not that into her new boyfriend, and Jules’ astral projection goes with them on their date so Vince can pass on flirty remarks from him to Kate, because that’s attractive.

Georgia wants to go to a restaurant in the territory of the bad guys, and instead of asking to go somewhere else, they just go to that restaurant and, surprise, surprise, run into the bad guys.

What a bunch of idiots.

The Vince-friend gets stabbed to death off-page, so they have to take him home in a taxi, and they tell the driver that he’s just drunk because that worked in the Clue movie. And he’ll reanimate in three days, so it’s no biggie.

Wait, I thought you had to die saving someone’s life in order to be reanimated?

We also learn that Vince was born sometime in the 1920s and in order to kill a revenant for realz you have to Burn The Witch!

Dawn, go get the accelerant I keep in the basement!

(CONTINUED IN PART TWO)

Article 5: Are You Going To Scarborough Fair? (Part II)

PART TWO of my Article 5 Commentary. Part One is here: https://racheliliffe.wordpress.com/2015/05/28/article-5-are-you-going-to-scarborough-fair-part-i/

Chapter Nine

Half way through!

Chase believes the ratter-outer to be a guy called Tucker Morris, one of the arrester-Embers from Chapter One who she scratched in the face. He explains their history together, how they met in basic training and Tucker was rebellious and a troublemaker; which makes Ember immediately think that she may have had the wrong opinion of him, and start to form a more favourable one of him than she has of Chase!

That’s gratitude for you!

Anyway, Tucker gradually got crazier and crazier, taking his sexual frustrations of not being allowed to see his girlfriend out on everyone else in fighting matches (well, that’s what I inferred anyway) and Scarborough Fair’s administration thought this made him a BRILLIANT prospect for leadership.

No, really.

And so they started torturing him in the hopes that this would help his leadership skills. GREAT PLAN GUYS!

Ember immediately comes to the conclusion that Tucker and Chase were jealous of each other (?!?), weirdness ensues, Chase gets da fuk out, and Ember has another flashback to them talking about how his family got killed in a car accident. She mills about wondering if he’s been faithful to her while being a soldier, and then he returns with some baddies in hot pursuit, of him and their contact!

The contact gets killed while Chase and Ember hide in the closet (symbolism? Chase does get weird when talking about Tucker…) until the baddies leave and Ember blames herself for… existing. What an egomaniac! Chase tells her they may need to consider the reality of the situation, causing Ember to flip out, which apparently makes it the best time for Chase to whine about his problems. Ember is filled with shame—she hadn’t considered that Chase might have problems!

… except for all the times she did…

Then Ember finally remembers Rebecca and Sean, and Chase tells her that Sean’s probably screwed. Maybe Ember forgot about Rebecca after all, because she doesn’t bother asking about her.

Then there’s a huddling together for warmth scene, yay.

Chapter Ten

Chase has a nightmare, which makes Ember feel so sorry for him that she immediately forgives and trusts him completely. What. An. Idiot.

Especially since a second later she wakes him and he tries to strangle her. Like I want to.

Tender moments ensue, and Chase and Ember meander about for a few more days then come across a farmer facing off with some thieves. Ember continues her streak of stupid by getting herself and Chase involved and almost getting a bunch of people shot. She tries to get Chase to stop beating up the thief, until the thief hurts his arm, and then decides to root for Chase instead.

What. An. Idiot.

Anyway, the thieves RUN AWAY, and the farmer invites them inside and Ember complains about the fake name Chase gives because apparently only redheads can be called Elizabeth. I don’t know…

Ember then assumes the family are super-rich because they have a generator. Generators must be the sports cars of Article 5-Land, even though loads of people have them these days and Scarborough Fair is supposedly only like ten years away. Anyway, the farmers say they’ll drive them to where they’re going in the morning, and Ember decides to celebrate her newfound trust in Chase by rifling through his things.

She finds he’s got a ton of cash and a copy of ‘Frankenstein’, which was her favourite novel or something, prompting a flashback to Chase saying ‘Frankenstein’ isn’t girly enough for girls to be reading it. I’d point out that Frankenstein was written by a girl… but I have to agree with Chase’s skepticism in regards to Ember having read it. Or being able to read.

However, instead of the pages of Frankenstein, the book is filled with the deed to Chase’s house and a bunch of love letters from Ember. Wangsting ensues.

Chapter Eleven

Ember gets the feeling that the farmers aren’t as nice as they seem, and we all know how great her intuition is, so she steals some food from them. On the radio they hear about La Resistance, and Ember thinks about how EVIL the government is and how they’d be better off without curfews, and statutes, and no-go zones, and reform schools.

Uh, maybe not without those things entirely, Ember. Just not the ones you have now.

Chase angsts over how if Ember hadn’t gotten them involved he could have just let the farmer’s child get killed, and tells Ember he’s afraid that she’s the only thing keeping him human.

She responds to his soulful confession by saying she’s ‘sorry she’s ruining his fun’.

Ember… just never speak again, okay?

But never mind that, the farmers are turning them into to da fuzz because they heard a random story on the radio that could have been about anyone. Chase tells Ember to go on ahead, giving her the kiss of twu wuv, and Ember decides to turn the generator off to cause a distraction, and they steal the farmer’s bike and escape.

Yay.

Chapter Twelve

The escape doesn’t last long though, because da fuzz is on their tail (or at least I assume they are, because the last time this happened… well, nothing actually happened).

And sure enough… nothing happens.

Anyway, Chase tells Ember he hit a soldier on his way out, and Ember is worried that this might get them in trouble!

WHY NO BRAIN, EMBER?

That’s it. I’m coming up with a new shelf for you—we’ve had personality free protagonists in spades, but you are a brain free protagonist. New shelf; make it so!

Anyway, Ember then slaps Chase for no reason, leading to a discussion of their wuv. Chase had been under the impression that Ember had a thing for Sean the soldier, and Ember refuses to tell him otherwise. Chase then thanks her for saving his life by causing that distraction at the farm. What a doormat.

They then come across a pair who Ember knows with her stunning intuition are twins, and the girl twin is ‘at least six months pregnant’ because Ember is apparently also a long-range midwife. Ember immediately dislikes her for looking at Chase, but they kindly point them in the direction of Knoxville; so there’s more of Ember’s intuition at work.

Apparently La Resistance is hanging out in Knoxville, where we learn that Scarborough Fair also hates poor people, because even though he feeds them he makes volunteers distribute the food so he and his boyz don’t have to get too close.

Then there’s a riot and Ember is separated from Chase, and gets picked up by a soldier who knows her name!

(My moneys on the soldier secretly being with La Resistance).

Chapter Thirteen

… and the soldier is Sean!

Huh, didn’t think we’d see him again. Also he’s part of La Resistance now, so I won that bet. He’s in town because it’s where they hold prisoners like Rebecca before trial… right in the middle of the rebels’ stronghold? Wow, they’re dumb.

Sean takes them to a secret hideout, run by a guy called Wallace, so Ember can feel ‘violated’ when she’s patted down for weapons. Wallace has a ‘head shaped like a can’, apparently, so how he hasn’t been caught by now with such distinguishing features I have no idea.

Wallace doesn’t trust them, which bothers Ember, because how dare someone not trust her! She snipes for a few pages and eventually Wallace agrees to send them on to South Carolina, probably just glad to be rid of them. Sean asks after Rebecca and Ember proclaims her a friend, which is rich coming from her, but Sean doesn’t blame Ember for what happened because I guess he’s an idiot too.

Ember feels it’s about time she has a stupid freakout so she and Chase can have a wuvvy duvvy moment, and then she can tell him to piss off as soon as done protecting her. What a bitch!

And somehow this leads to twu wuv again! WTF!?

Then Sean and Wallace reveal that anyone who violates Article 5 is executed, which doesn’t surprise me, but for some reason does surprise Ember, even though she should be used to Scarborough Fair’s crazy ideas.

Chapter Fourteen

Ember throws a hissy fit, and yet it’s only after that that Chase reveals poor old mum has been Dead All Along. What a twist.

It turns out the Scarborough Fair troops graduated from the School of Dumb, and train their men by making them murder their former friends. They wanted to break Chase by bringing him along to the arrest (break him from what I don’t know) and then they ordered him to kill mummy because they didn’t like how he reacted, and said they’d kill Ember if he didn’t.

And even then it was his CO who killed mum, not Chase. Sad tiems.

As you might have guessed, Ember beats Chase up for this, but then realises it’s just what her mother’s abusive boyfriend would have done and stops. Wow—that’s actually a fair comparison in a way. But she still blames him for her mother’s death, what a surprise.

Then Ember leaves the safety of the compound and gets immediately picked up by da real fuzz, who take her off to prison.

What. An. Idiot. I mean, I know she’s in breakdown mode and all, but still, what an idiot.

Tucker randomly shows up to say he’s going to make her clean some floors before they execute her, (the bastard!), and Ember proclaims him ‘even worse than Chase’. Seriously, Ember, after everything Chase has done… you know what, fuck it, this’ll just be a straight recap until the end of the chapter.

Ember and a woman called Delilah clean stuff, until Ember realises part of the prison has adopted the Delirium-Land method of security by way of not having any security, and she may as well leave and give Wallace some info about the prison.

But she’ll need to come up with a cunning plan…

Chapter Fifteen

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ember and Cunning in the same sentence!

Okay, Tucker has been tortured into insanity and he belongs to the crack troops of Scarborough Fair, so perhaps they’re evenly matched. She asks Tucker if Rebecca’s been executed yet, and he says that under Article 7 of the badly written villains code, that information can only be given if accompanied by sexual assault, and Ember decides she doesn’t care about Rebecca that much.

Then when he locks her in her cell for the night, she realises for no apparent reason that Chase actually isn’t responsible for all the evil in the world, and that she does care about Rebecca that much after all, so Tucker gets a kiss and tells her that Rebecca’s in Chicago, while Ember accuses him of having a thing for Chase, so maybe my earlier remarks were more accurate than I’d intended.

Also, since Tucker’s a moron, he doesn’t notice Ember steal a handgun. But sadly, Ember’s master plan is thwarted by the fact that Chase has now been captured too. Oh noes!

Chapter Sixteen

Well, Chase has been beaten to a pulp, and done so on purpose, ready to sacrifice his life to atone for his many sins of rescuing Ember and protecting her from harm, but since Ember loves him again they can’t do that.

So she pulls her gun out on Delilah, ties her up and walks out the door with Chase. And it was that easy.

Until Tucker comes running up the hill after his one true love, of course. I guess he’s supposed to be the main villain of the book, so that makes this The Final Battle.

Then Tucker reveals it was actually him who shot Ember’s mother, because why not? Are these the shades of Drina and Raven I see before me? Anyway, Ember threatens him with the gun and Tucker caves, letting them go free to join La Resistance without any Battle, what a dumb conclusion.

Chapter Seventeen

An entirely pointless chapter, tacked on to the conclusion for no apparent reason. The End.

Final Thoughts

Well, I’m tallying up the results and it looks like King Dumbass from ToG is still the most competent evil dictator on the show. Scarborough Fair comes in at a close second though, which shouldn’t be all that surprising, given his competition.

Actually, come to think of it, the morons from XIV, while having some really stupid ideas, didn’t do anything that would sabotage themselves nearly as much as Article 5 does, so I guess that puts Scarborough Fair in third. Oh well, at least he can still lord it over the Delirium-landers and ‘Our Saviour Greg’!